Replaced By Everyday
by Gig in the Sky
Summary: Meredith and Derek cope with the challenges of marriage and family. Season 4 future fic.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Not mine, in any way, shape, or form. Copyright remains in the hands of its respective owners: ABC, Touchstone Television, and Shonda Rhimes. May they start treating it well again. Title comes from the beautiful "Nightswimming" by R.E.M. _

* * *

**Replaced by Everyday**_  
_

Meredith clutched the file tightly in her hands and hurried after the lab coat she saw disappearing around the corner on the way down to the clinic. Derek moved quickly and was far ahead of her by the time she rounded the same corner and she saw him vanish into the elevator at the end of the hall.

"Derek!" she called after him, hoping that he'd hear her and hold the elevator. She broke into a run and was breathless when she reached the doors, where he was standing, holding them open with a grin.

"Hello," he greeted her cheerfully. Several other staff members already on the elevator exchanged knowing glances and shuffled to make room for her. She got on beside Derek and he released the doors and pressed the button for their floor.

"Derek?" he teased her, speaking softly so that only she could hear him. He was pressed against her in the crowded elevator and his warm breath fanned against the skin on the back of her neck, making her shiver.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Dr. Shepherd," she corrected herself.

"What can I do for you, Dr. Shepherd?" he asked her, his eyes twinkling.

"Grey!"

"Mmm," he hummed.

The elevator reached the next floor and there was yet another reshuffling as half of the elevator emptied out. They continued their descent.

The second time the elevator came to a stop, Meredith stepped out, followed by her husband.

"How'd you end up on clinic duty?" she asked him, following him down the hall to the Denny Duquette Memorial Clinic. She paused outside the doors and turned to him.

He shrugged. "We all agreed that we'd volunteer hours."

Meredith smirked. "Volunteered? Or were afraid to say no to Bailey?"

"What's that?" Derek asked, pointing to the chart in her arms – and very obviously avoiding her question.

"Nothing," Meredith said casually, pulling the file away from him. "It's just something that I was wondering if you could take a look at, but clinic duty calls. You wouldn't want to piss off Bailey."

"I have a minute."

"I think it might take longer than that," Meredith told him, holding the chart firmly against her chest.

"Meredith, you're carrying it around with you and you followed me down here for a reason. Just let me take a look."

"Not here," Meredith said, glancing around nervously.

Derek shook his head, confused by her strange behaviour, but he didn't protest when she took his hand and led him into an out-of-use on-call room.

Derek raised his eyebrows and grinned at her lecherously when she closed and locked the door behind them.

"Is the chart empty?" he teased her.

"What?" Meredith asked. She caught on. "No! I just didn't want the grapevine getting wind of this yet."

"Getting wind of what?" Derek asked with a frown.

Meredith handed him the chart and then stood back, chewing on her bottom lip as she watched him study it.

"Thirty year old female," he read out loud. "Elevated hCG in the blood…" He looked up at her. "She's pregnant." He started to hand the chart back to Meredith, looking confused. "Am I missing something?"

"Patient's name," Meredith breathed.

Derek glanced at the chart again. "Meredith Shep…Mer?" He looked up from the chart again, his eyes wide.

Meredith just nodded.

"Y-y-you?" he sputtered.

She nodded again. "Yes."

Derek blinked. Once. Once more. And again.

"Derek?" Meredith questioned. "Derek, breathe."

He inhaled and exhaled on command, the respiration loosening a laugh that bubbled up from inside, spilling out over his lips in a joyous rush. He laughed and laughed, until tears were leaking from his eyes.

Meredith was quiet, watching him, unsure about how to gauge his reaction.

Finally, he gasped for air and the laughter died away, leaving him staring at her in wonder.

"You're pregnant."

"Yes."

"You're sure?" he asked, reason taking over.

Meredith gestured to the test results still in his hands.

"Right," he laughed. He shook his head. "Wow."

"Wow, good?" Meredith asked nervously.

"What?" Derek asked. "Yes! Oh my God, yes, Meredith! You're… wow. You're pregnant. We're going to have a baby."

She smiled for the first time since she'd handed him the results. "Yeah?"

"Oh, Mer," he sighed. He took a step, and then another, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against him. "Meredith," he said into her hair, against her earlobe. "Mer…"

She sighed, tightening her arms around him.

"I was worried," she admitted.

He pulled back, the joyful expression he wore giving way to one that expressed worry and regret.

"What?" he asked. "Oh, God. I'm sorry, Meredith. I'm just a little awestruck here. This is just… amazing."

"Yeah?" Meredith asked. She smiled and it grew and grew until she was beaming. "Yeah."

"Yes," he said firmly. He cupped her chin with his fingers and brought their mouths together, kissing her softly. Meredith melted against him, feeling his amazement and joy in the kiss. Finally, she broke away, needing to catch her breath.

"I'm going to be a father," Derek whispered, sounding awed.

Meredith nodded. "I know that we weren't planning this, at least not yet. But I think it's okay. I think it's good."

"It's good," Derek confirmed, beaming at her. He took her hand in his and led them to the bottom bunk bed, then motioned for her to sit. He took a seat beside her.

"How long have you known?" he asked.

Meredith shrugged. "I've suspected for a while, but I wanted to be sure before I told you. I didn't want to upset you for nothing."

"Upset me?" Derek asked. "Meredith, you thought that I would be upset?"

She shrugged again. "We've only been married for a couple of months. We're living in your trailer most of the time. And… I don't know. I know we've talked about it, and we said that we'd start trying in a few months, once we're settled in the new house, but…" she trailed off, looking at him helplessly. "It happened so quickly. I thought I'd just stop taking the pill and it would take some time before it happened."

"You stopped?" Derek asked, frowning.

"I'm sorry," Meredith apologized, looking anguished. "I should have told you. Of course I should have told you. It was stupid of me not to. I just thought, you know, we'd agreed to start trying, and I figured that if it happened, it happened."

"Meredith," he interrupted her. "It's okay."

She chewed her bottom lip. "Are you sure?"

"Do I look at all unhappy?" he asked her, beaming. "I want this baby, Meredith. That's what it comes down to for me."

She was silent and he turned to her, something dawning on him.

"Do you?" he asked, his heart nearly stopping while he waited for her response. "Because it's one thing for you to stop taking the pill, but it's another thing entirely to actually be pregnant. It's real."

"I've had a couple of weeks to think about this," she confessed. "At first, I was terrified, and I didn't think I could do this, but then I started thinking about everything that has happened in the last year, and I think that if I could survive this – if we could survive it – then maybe we can have a baby. Maybe we won't completely ruin our child."

Derek shook his head.

"We can, Meredith. We're stronger than either of us thought."

"Yeah," she smiled. He reached for her hand and laced their fingers together.

"So we're going to do this?" he asked. "We're going to have a baby?"

Meredith smiled and it turned into a laugh, an infectious giggle that made Derek feel like he would burst with excitement and pride and love for her.

Of course, his pager chose just that moment to beep. Derek almost didn't hear it, over the strumming beat of his heart and Meredith's laughter. He finally glanced down at it, his smile fading.

"Crap."

"That's my line," Meredith teased him, feeling light and buoyant and happy.

"Bailey," he said.

"Oh."

"Well, maybe this is a good reason for me to be late?" he wondered.

Meredith's eyes grew wide. "You want to tell her?"

"Meredith, I want to tell everybody."

"Now?" she asked, looking alarmed. "So soon?"

Derek shrugged. "Why not?"

"Well, I don't know. I thought that maybe we could take some time to get used to it first. Maybe go for our first ultrasound, find out how far along I am, make sure that things are going the way that they're supposed to be going…" she trailed off.

"Meredith," he said calmly. "I'm sure they are. You're young, you're in good health…"

"I eat pizza and grilled cheese for breakfast," she reminded him.

"Okay, so you could stand to learn what breakfast is," he teased her. "But aside from that, there's no reason why you shouldn't have a perfectly normal pregnancy and a healthy baby."

"It's so early, Derek. There will be so many questions, and we don't have answers to any of them."

"You really want to wait?" he asked with a frown.

Meredith hesitated. "Are you going to burst?"

He laughed. "Yes."

"Just Bailey?"

"What, you're not going to tell Cristina?" he returned.

"Just Bailey and Cristina?"

Derek pulled her into a hug and pressed a kiss against her crown. "We don't have to tell anybody," he assured her.

"Right," Meredith laughed. "You won't make it five minutes. But if we tell Bailey, we should probably tell Chief Webber."

"Are we going to keep adding people?" he teased her.

"After we see the doctor," she promised him, standing up and holding her hand out to him.

He took it, and together they went off in search of Bailey.

It didn't take long to find her. She was issuing commands in a clipped tone from where she stood at the entrance to the clinic. Around her, Seattle Grace staff and patients alike moved like worker bees.

"You're late," she snapped, spotting Derek and Meredith as they approached her. "Do you think that I page you for my amusement?"

"No, Dr. Bailey," Meredith answered breathlessly. "We're sorry." She nudged her husband in the ribs.

"Do not," Bailey began, not bothering to look up from her paperwork. "Apologize for your husband. He has a mouth; he can use it."

"Sorry, Dr. Bailey," Derek apologized.

"You may be my boss, but you agreed to volunteer your services in this clinic, and I would appreciate it if you would show it as much respect as you show to any of your surgeries."

"Certainly," Derek agreed. He hesitated. "Uh, Dr. Bailey?"

She looked up.

"Can Mer… can Dr. Grey and I have a moment of your time?"

"You've already wasted twenty minutes of my time," she reminded him.

"Yes. And again, I apologize. But if we could just…"

"Work now, play later," she said shortly. She handed each of them a stack of charts. "When you get through those, I will consider your request."

She stalked off to attend to a man behind the nearest curtain and Derek turned to Meredith helplessly.

She shook her head. "She's not going to change her mind, so we may as well get through these as quickly as possible."

He sighed. "She talks about respect. What about the respect I should get as her boss?"

"Respect has to be earned!" came Bailey's voice from behind the curtain. "Get to work!"

Meredith fought the urge to laugh and turned away from Derek to find her first patient.

Hours later, they finished with the charts and found Bailey again. This time, she grudgingly gave them a moment of her time.

"Walk and talk," she ordered, moving towards the elevator.

"What?"

"Three words," she sighed. "And they're all monosyllabic. Walk. And. Talk. Move it."

They raced after her and squeezed into the elevator with her just before the doors closed. Derek reached for the stop button and Bailey narrowed her eyes at him.

"Walk and talk means that I have somewhere to be."

"We just need a minute."

"A minute is how long it would take me if the damned elevator was moving."

"I'm pregnant," Meredith blurted out without warning.

Derek beamed.

"Excuse me?" Bailey asked, shaking her head.

"Me," Meredith repeated. "I'm … well, we're going to have a baby." She gestured between herself and Derek.

"Yes," Bailey said. "I am aware what pregnant means."

"Of course," Meredith laughed nervously. "It's just… you said that you only have a minute, and so I just said it. There. Now you know."

"Now I know."

Derek cleared his throat. "Dr. Bailey, you're the first person we've told. We respect you so much, and …"

"Stop," she demanded. "You didn't tell me because of any damned respect. You told me because you think that I am going to be hard on you if I find out from one of your friends."

"Well, a little," Meredith admitted.

Bailey shook her head. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." She narrowed her eyes at Meredith. "How far along are you?"

Meredith hesitated. "Uh, well… I don't know, exactly. I mean, I haven't seen anyone yet."

"Excuse me?" Bailey asked, putting her hands on her hips. She scowled at both of them. "When did you find out that you were pregnant?"

"For sure?" Meredith asked. "Uh, about an hour before we got to the clinic. I suspected, but I just got the test results back. I told Derek right before you paged him." She chewed on her bottom lip nervously.

"And you're telling people?"

"We're telling you," Derek corrected her. "You're not just anybody."

Bailey rolled her eyes at him, not falling for the flattery.

"Damn fools," she muttered.

"There's no good reason for us to not tell people," Meredith reasoned, recalling Derek's earlier optimism. "I'm young and healthy and there's no reason why this shouldn't be a normal pregnancy."

"You're a doctor, Grey."

Meredith licked her lips. "Yes."

"Then you know that there's no such thing as guarantees."

Meredith shifted on the balls of her feet, her gaze darting to her husband, who was frowning.

"Miranda," he started to object.

She held up her hand, effectively cutting him off before he even began. "You know that, too."

"We're excited."

"Yes," she said. "I understand. But that's no reason for you to be acting like fools."

"We were only going to tell you and Cristina for now," Meredith said softly, her gaze drifting to the floor. She toed the linoleum with her sneaker.

"And Richard," Derek added.

Bailey pursed her lips.

"Fine," she said. "I'm just advising you to wait until you've at least seen your OB-GYN."

Meredith nodded. "Right. You're right."

Bailey shook her head. "Not that any of you fools ever listen to me. It'll be all over this hospital before I leave tonight."

"Probably," Meredith laughed.

"Definitely," Derek agreed.

Bailey chuckled softly, then swivelled to face them.

"Congratulations," she said sincerely. Her gaze travelled to Meredith's still-flat abdomen. "Might do you some good to put a little meat on those bones."

She turned back to the elevator doors and reached forward to push the button that would put them back in motion.

Once Bailey had exited the elevator, Derek stopped it again, trapping them between floors. He gathered Meredith close to him and inhaled the scent of her hair.

"That wasn't so bad," he reflected.

Meredith sighed against his shoulder. "Maybe she was right. Maybe we shouldn't be telling people yet."

Derek pulled back to study her. "You know that's an old wives tale, right?"

Meredith sighed again. "I know. But I can't help thinking that we're going to jinx it."

"We don't have to tell anybody else," he told her, stroking her hair.

"Really?"

"Really," Derek confirmed.

"Well, Bailey already knows," Meredith reasoned.

"She does."

"And we really should tell Chief Webber."

"I'm not saying a word, Mer. Whatever you want."

"We should," she said firmly.

"Okay," he agreed. "And Cristina?"

"I have to tell Cristina. She's Cristina. She won't gush or anything, but I want to tell her."

"I know," Derek said, kissing her forehead. "So, Richard's office?"

She nodded and waited for him to start the elevator again.

Richard Webber's office door was open, and they found him behind his desk, signing paperwork as his assistant Patricia hovered nearby.

"Richard," Derek said warmly, not waiting for an invitation to enter the office. Meredith followed her husband, hovering behind him as they moved towards the rich leather chairs that sat in front of the desk.

"Derek," Richard responded. He smiled when he saw Meredith. "Meredith. Hello."

"Hi," she said nervously.

"Sit, sit," he said to both of them, gesturing towards the chairs. Derek pulled Meredith's back for her and waited for her to be seated before he took the one beside hers.

"I'm sorry, was I expecting you?" Richard asked, sitting down again.

"No," they answered simultaneously. Meredith blushed.

Richard chuckled. "Well, what brings you up here?"

Derek cleared his throat. "Actually, we have some news."

Meredith glanced nervously at Patricia, not wanting to ask the woman to leave, but wishing that she'd voluntarily do so.

Patricia smiled. "Can I get anyone something to drink?"

"No," Meredith replied, even though her throat was suddenly dry and scratchy. "Thank you."

"No thank you," Derek repeated, beaming at the woman. He couldn't stop smiling.

Richard lifted the mug on his desk. "I'm good. Thank you, Patricia."

She nodded and left the room, closing the heavy door behind her.

"So," Richard began, steepling his fingers and leaning back in this chair. "You have news?"

"Yes," Meredith breathed, feeling like she was going to jump out of her skin.

She glanced at Derek, who sat silently, a grin from ear to ear.

"Well, uh," Meredith began, wishing that her husband would jump in again, as he'd done earlier with Bailey. "See, the thing is that… uh…"

Richard nodded.

"You're pregnant."

Meredith blinked.

"Yes," she whispered, wondering why she felt so afraid of his reaction. People on staff had babies all the time, even second year residents. She almost smiled to herself, but bit on her lip to restrain it. She knew why she was so nervous. She didn't consider Richard Webber to be her surrogate father or anything, but he had been good to her – partly because of a promise he'd made to her mother, but also because it seemed that he had a genuine affection for Meredith, and she didn't want to disappoint him. She wanted him to be as happy about her pregnancy as she and Derek were.

He didn't disappoint. His face lit up and he stood again, rounding the desk to pull Meredith to her feet and envelop her in a hug. She stood frozen against him for a moment, shocked by the development and a little wary of it, but Richard chuckled and congratulated her and she melted a little.

Finally, Richard released her and turned his attention to Derek. Her husband stood and he and Richard shook hands, before Richard pulled him forward to hug him as well.

"How far along are you?" Richard asked once they'd all returned to their seats.

Meredith sighed. "Well, I don't know that yet."

Richard frowned. "You mean that you haven't seen an OB-GYN yet?"

Meredith shook her head. "I'm going to schedule an appointment as soon as I can."

"I can make a few calls if you'd like. I'm sure somebody can free up their schedule a bit."

"It's fine," Meredith assured him. "I can wait like everybody else."

"Absolutely not," Richard said firmly.

"Dr. Webber…"

"Meredith, everyone who has the opportunity takes advantage of their connections," he said. "You will be no different. I'll pull some strings." He shrugged as though it were no big deal.

She sighed, knowing that it was useless to protest. "Okay," she finally agreed. "Thank you."

"How are you doing?" Richard asked, turning his attention to Derek.

"Floating on Cloud Nine," Derek laughed.

* * *

By the time that they finally left Richard's office, Meredith felt as though she'd been through the wringer. Richard was excited for them, and told Meredith that they would accommodate her as much as she wanted them to, which was a relief, but at the same time, she left his office feeling much less excited than she'd been when they'd gone in. 

Derek noticed her change of mood, and when they were inside the empty elevator, he turned to her.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently.

"Yeah," she replied, forcing a smile onto her face.

"Mer…"

"Everything is going to change," she said softly, looking down at the floor.

"Yes," he agreed. "But in a good way." She could hear the concern in his voice and looked up to find him frowning. "You do think so, don't you? You're not getting cold feet?"

She shrugged and when his face fell, she rushed to reassure him.

"It's just that it's real now. I mean, now that Dr. Webber and Bailey know. It's not just the two – the three – of us."

Derek's frown deepened. "We don't have to tell anyone else."

"Cristina will be hurt if she finds out another way."

"Do you think that Richard and Miranda are going to tell anyone?"

Meredith shrugged, and then shook her head. "No."

"Then Cristina won't find out until you want her to find out," he assured her. "Why don't we go home and relax and just spend some time getting used to the idea?" he suggested.

"My shift is only half over," Meredith laughed.

"Ah. Well, that's one of the benefits of being married to your boss," he winked.

"Derek!"

He laughed. "Let's go home, Mer."

She shook her head resolutely. "No. People will get suspicious. And then Cristina will figure it out, trust me."

He sighed. "Okay. Well, then I guess I'll just wait for you because as of ten minutes ago, I am officially done for the day."

"Must be nice to be a high powered attending," Meredith commented, resting against him.

"Must be," he agreed. He kissed her forehead, and right before the elevator doors opened, he whispered: "I'll see you in the lobby at six, Mommy."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but couldn't stop the joyful smile from spreading across her face.

* * *

Derek almost spilled the beans more times than he could count just during the trip from the elevator to his office. By the time Meredith met him in the lobby, he was literally squirming in his seat and he jumped to his feet as soon as he appeared. 

"You're late."

"I had some post-op notes I wanted to do before I left," she said, smiling tiredly.

Derek frowned. "You work too hard."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Oh, are you seriously going to do this, Derek? Seriously?"

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Start in on the delicate flower thing?" she asked with a frown.

"I'm just saying that you don't always notice when you're running yourself into the ground. It's my job to make sure that you don't do that."

"Says who?" she asked defensively.

"Meredith," he said in a placating tone. "I'm not trying to stop you from doing what you want to do. I just want to take care of you. Why is that a bad thing?"

Meredith adjusted the straps of her purse on her shoulder.

"I'm your husband," he reminded her.

"Yeah."

"You'd do the same for me," he said gently.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, if you could get pregnant…"

Derek laughed and held out his hand to her. She took it and they walked through the hospital doors toward Derek's car.

On the way home, Meredith informed him that before she'd come down stairs, Chief Webber had pulled her aside and had given her the name of three OB-GYNs who he thought would be their best options. Meredith handed the list to Derek and he scanned it quickly while they were stopped at a red light.

"I'm sure they're all good," he agreed.

"But they're not the best," Meredith guessed, reading his mind.

"Well, no."

"Addison's the best."

"She is," he agreed. "But I know that it would be uncomfortable for all of us. If you decide that we should start telling people, I'd like to ask her about this list. She knows these people far better than either of us do."

Meredith nodded. "Can I think about it?" she asked.

"Of course."

They boarded the ferry and got out to go up to the deck, where Meredith stood shivering in her light sweater.

Derek wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck.

"I want to come to all of your appointments," he told her.

Meredith laughed. "You don't have to."

"I want to," he insisted, rubbing her arms to stave off the cold. "I want to be involved in all of this, Mer."

She turned in his arms to face him, trailing her fingertips along the line of his jaw. "You really want to tell everyone, don't you?" she laughed.

Derek grinned sheepishly.

"Well," she said. "Go ahead."

"What?" he asked her.

Meredith shrugged and motioned around them. "Go ahead," she repeated. "Yell. Get it out of your system."

Derek laughed. "Mer, it's okay."

"No," she said solemnly, shaking her head. "I want you to do this. Tell the world, Derek."

He grinned at her, then quirked his eyebrow, looking for one last assurance.

Meredith smiled encouragingly. "We're having a baby," she prompted him.

"Yeah," he breathed.

"So?"

"We're having a baby!" he exclaimed.

"Yes."

"We're having a baby!" he said again, a little louder. This time, several people around them turned and smiled benevolently.

"We're having a baby!" he yelled. A couple of people chuckled and Derek reached for Meredith's hand, pulling her towards the railing of the ferry.

He climbed up on the first rung of the railing.

"Is this one of those 'I'm the king of the world' things?" she asked, her voice full of laughter. He took another step up.

"I'm the --," he started, before turning to wink at her. He turned back to the Sound. "We're having a baby!" he yelled so loudly that his voice broke. He jumped off the railing and pulled Meredith close. His voice was hoarse but gentle as he kissed her and then pulled back to tell her that he loved her.

"We're having a baby," Meredith laughed and let herself get carried along in his excitement and joy.


	2. Chapter 2

_Just a few words before the next piece: I don't really like system for responding to reviews, but I want those of you who have left comments to know that I've read them and I appreciate them greatly. They've both encouraged me and have given me food for thought. Thank you. _

* * *

Lauren Briscombe was the doctor that they finally settled on, figuring that if they felt uncomfortable with her, they were under no obligation to have her continue on as Meredith's doctor. As long as everything seemed to be okay, they were ready to start telling people about the pregnancy. First and foremost on this list for Derek was his mom. As he and Meredith lay tangled together in bed on the first morning they'd had off together since finding out about the baby a week ago, listening to the pitter-patter of raindrops on the metal roof of the trailer, he ruefully told her that he wished he'd be able to see his mother's face when he told her that he'd finally managed to get a woman to agree to reproduce with him. This led to a lengthy discussion about whether or not they should tell his family in person, which Meredith balked at. She understood that tensions might still be running high over the Shepherd clan's non-invitation to their vows, not to mention how Derek had essentially shut them out of his life during the last eighteen months

"We don't have to go to New York," Derek reasoned. "We can stay here and have just my mom fly in for a visit. You'd be on your own turf."

"Don't you think that she'd be suspicious? You disappear into thin air and then all of a sudden, you want your mom to come and visit you and your new wife, whom she's never laid eyes on?" Meredith asked, shying away from the fingertips he trailed across her clavicle. "Stop that!" she hissed. "We're having a serious conversation here!"

"Meredith," he began patiently. "It's not that big of a deal. She'll just be happy that I want to see her. She won't question it."

"Nancy will," Meredith pointed out. "And probably the other three, too."

Derek laughed. "The other three?" he asked, his eyes dancing mirthfully. "You make them sound like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

Meredith shook her head, burying her face into his shoulder. "They already hate me," she moaned.

"They don't hate you."

"You spent three hours on the phone with them after we got married trying to convince them that I'm not a gold-digger."

"They've been doing the overprotective sister thing for forty years, Mer," he sighed. "It's a hard habit to break. Look, you're pregnant. They get to be aunts. That counts for a lot."

"Oh, so I was nothing until you knocked me up?" Meredith asked. She looked up at him with a scowl. "Nice to know that they at least respect my uterus."

"It'll just be my mom," he promised.

"That doesn't make it any better!" she snapped, pulling away from him and sitting up. Her eyebrows knit together and she glowered at him and the way the corners of his mouth lifted up in a smirk.

"What?" she asked, the tone of her voice no less impatient than it had been a moment earlier.

"Hormones?" he teased her.

Meredith glared at him. "Seriously?" she asked him, all rationality flying out the window. "Seriously?"

"Meredith, come on," he chuckled. "I'm just teasing you."

"I'm freaking out here, and you think it's a joke!"

"You're freaking out over something that doesn't warrant it," he reasoned. "Besides, we're going to have to tell them sooner or later."

"I vote for later," Meredith said, her mouth tightening into a frown. "And preferably from three thousand miles away."

Derek sighed and scooted up next to her in their bed. "Okay," he conceded. "We don't have to tell them in person. But I'd like to tell them soon. I'm testing their patience as it is."

A pang of guilt reverberated through Meredith's heart. She tilted her head and studied her husband as he smiled at her earnestly and warmly. Meredith blinked and brought her hand up to trail her fingertips along his stubble. He'd given up so much for her in the last year and a half that she didn't have the heart to deny him this.

"Just your mom?" she asked tentatively.

His face lit up. "Just my mom," he promised her.

She heaved a sigh. "Okay. But you have to warn her that I don't do the family thing very well."

"Meredith," he breathed. "It'll be fine. She'll love you."

Meredith shook her head. "You don't know that," she protested.

"I do," he insisted. "I know that you're beautiful and smart and generous and kind. She won't be able to help herself."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Right," she scoffed.

"I'm serious. I tried not to love you and look at me," he said solemnly before his face split into a charming grin. "I adore you."

He punctuated his words with kisses along her throat that trailed suggestively lower.

"Derek?" Meredith murmured, closing her eyes against his assault.

"Mmm?" he hummed.

She brought her hands up to tangle in his hair and he lifted his head to grin lecherously at her, misinterpreting her cue.

"Go shave," she whispered.

"Yeah?" he questioned her.

She snorted. "Doctor's appointment, remember?"

He sprang out of bed. "Of course. I'll be ready in five minutes."

* * *

  
Dr. Briscombe's office was situated several blocks away from the hospital, in a professional building that overlooked a park. Meredith expected everything to be immaculate inside the office – Addison redux – but instead, she found a comfortable waiting room with a dearth of back issues of various magazines spread out on a table that sat between two overstuffed sofas and a few random chairs. Off in the corner was a small play area where two toddlers were exploring. The place was clean and neat, giving off an air of comfort and warmth without being pretentious and intimidating. Meredith began to relax almost immediately and led Derek over to the desk where she gave the receptionist her name and then went to sit down. Derek followed, collapsing beside her on one of the sofas. He pulled her close and found her hand with his.

Another patient who sat across from them smiled and turned towards her children.

"Aidan, be nice to your sister. Remember that we share, please."

Aidan's sister proceeded to let out a wail as he ripped the toy telephone out of her hands and held it to his chest.

"Amy, honey…" The mom tried shushing her daughter, but Amy continued to wail, and Aidan turned and threw the plastic phone at her, hitting her right above her eye.

"Aidan!" his mom scolded him. She struggled to get to her feet, baby bump notwithstanding. A cut appeared over Amy's eye and her mom gasped. "Amy!"

Derek was quick to his feet and he moved over to the little girl, knelt in front of her and gently pulled her hands away from her face so that he could inspect the cut.

"Mer?" he said over his shoulder. Meredith moved over to the reception desk and asked for some gauze and antiseptic.

A few minutes later, Derek had cleaned and dressed the wound and had handed Amy off to her mother, after assuring her that the cut wasn't even deep enough to require stitches and had done no lasting damage to her daughter.

"Aidan," his mom said sharply. "Sit next to me. Now."

Aidan's bottom lip stuck out in a pout and he looked close to tears himself.

"Aidan Charles Carr, it's time out" his mother demanded. When he continued to stand still, arms folded across his chest, she rolled her eyes heavenward. "I swear to God," she muttered. "All those fools who write baby books insisting that you can reason with a toddler…"

Meredith smiled sympathetically and Derek chuckled and crouched next to Aidan in the play area. "Hey, buddy," he smiled at the little boy. "I know you feel bad about hurting your sister, don't you?"

The boy shook his head no and Meredith bit her lip to stifle her laughter.

"Well," Derek tried again. "Do you want to sit down and I'll read you a story?"

Aidan looked at him tentatively, and then gave the same look to his mother.

She sighed. "It's sort of rewarding him, don't you think?" she asked of no one in particular.

Derek shrugged. "Or it's giving you five minutes of peace."

She laughed. "True. Thank you."

He nodded and took Aidan's hand, leading him over to the chairs. Once they were sitting, Derek showed Aidan a selection of books from amongst the cheap Little Golden Storybooks that were scattered on the table. Aidan chose "The Monster at the End of This Book" and settled happily next to Derek as he told the story, using a variety of scary voices and dramatic tension. Amy, happily ensconced on her mother's lap previous to this, wriggled out of her grasp and wandered over to see what all the excitement was about. Meredith and the children's mother exchanged looks, waiting for the next war to break out, but both children were so caught up in Derek's Grover voice that they paid little attention to one another. For a minute, both women watched in amazement as Derek continued to read.

"Your children are lucky," the other woman observed.

"Oh," Meredith said, giving a slight shake of her head. "No. This is our first."

"Congratulations," the mom said. She smiled at Meredith. "I'm Paula, and these two monsters are Aidan and Amy. Please don't let them dissuade you from having children." She rolled her eyes mockingly. "They're usually much better behaved than this. If you don't believe me, then take the fact that I'm in here for my third as proof."

Meredith laughed. "We all get a little testy sometimes," she reasoned.

"Yeah," Paula agreed. She tilted her head towards Derek. "Thank you so much for your help earlier. I was worried that he'd really hurt her this time. Do you think maybe I should have their pediatrician take a look at her?"

Derek, having come to the end of the book, looked up at them and smiled. "I'm a neurosurgeon," he said without the usual pride bordering on arrogance inflicting his tone. "So, I'm pretty sure. But if it puts your mind at ease, then you should definitely go ahead."

Paula blushed. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Derek said. "You didn't know. And they're your children. I've only known about mine for a week, and I can honestly say that if I were in your shoes, I'd do the same."

Paula nodded, and then looked over at Meredith. "See, I told you. Lucky."

Paula's name was called and she shepherded her children towards the exam room. "Thanks again!" she called over her shoulder right before she disappeared from view. Derek scooted closer to Meredith.

"So, I see the charm doesn't just work on the ladies," she teased him.

"I thought I'd start my campaign for Father of the Year early," he grinned. "Prove myself worthy of this."

Meredith smiled softly. "Derek, you were born worthy of this."

By the time Meredith was called, she'd read two back issues of Good Housekeeping and a Parenting Today, and Paula had left, Aidan and Amy in tow. Derek was engrossed in some article about baby monitors, and missed Meredith's name being called. She nudged him to get his attention and he eagerly followed her into the exam room.

"Finally all alone," he teased when the door was closed behind them and they were left in solitude.

"The purpose of this is for me to get into the gown, not out of it," Meredith laughed, when he kept pulling on the ties to loosen them. "Stop it, or I'll ask them to have you wait outside until we're in Dr. Briscombe's office."

"You wouldn't!" Derek said. "I want to be involved in all of it, Mer. You said that I could be."

"If you behave yourself," she said. "Are you going to need a time out, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Mmm," he murmured against the back of her neck, still playing with the ties of her gown. "Will you read me the Grover story?"

"If you're a good boy, I might be able to do better than that at bedtime," she teased him. Derek dropped his hands and stepped away just as the door opened and Dr. Briscombe stepped into the room.

"Careful," she warned them. "I think that's how you ended up here in the first place."

Derek laughed as Meredith turned several shades of red.

"I'm Dr. Briscombe," the woman said, shaking each of their hands. "Richard Webber tells me that I'm to take very good care of you."

"He's a good boss," Meredith said, unwilling to get into the complexities of their relationship with a perfect stranger.

Dr. Briscombe nodded. "Well, he is to me as well. This clinic's affiliation with Seattle Grace is essential." She smiled at Meredith. "Why don't you hop on up and we'll get started."

Meredith climbed on to the exam table and waited patiently for Dr. Briscombe.

"I'm just going to start with some general questions, so that we can get an idea of your overall health and where we think you might be at in your pregnancy."

Dr. Briscombe went on to ask her a litany of questions, which Meredith answered dutifully while Derek hovered nearby.

"I'd like to do a pelvic exam, and we'll see if we can determine just how far along you are. Do you recall the date of your last period?"

"Uh…" Meredith said. She shook her head. "I've been working some crazy hours, and the days tend to blend together."

Dr. Briscombe smiled. "You're a second year resident?"

"Yeah."

"Still a long road ahead," Dr. Briscombe observed.

Meredith nodded. "I know it's not an ideal time for us to have a baby," she said nervously. "But Derek and I kind of got off to a rough start before, and we just want to move forward now…"

"Meredith," Dr. Briscombe said, cutting her off. "You don't need to justify anything to me. I'm not here to judge you or your choices. Why don't we go ahead and do the exam and then you can get dressed so you're more comfortable and we'll sit down and talk about how things are coming along?"

After the exam, she took blood and had Meredith supply a urine sample, then finished up with a couple of notes as she asked a few more questions.

Once Dr. Briscombe was done, she left Meredith and Derek alone after giving them directions to her office, and Derek behaved himself while Meredith changed back into her clothes.

"I'm sorry," she apologized to him as she folded the hospital gown into a square.

"For?"

"For being so defensive with Dr. Briscombe," Meredith sighed. "I think it's just practice for your mom."

Derek laughed. "Meredith, my mom isn't going to judge you."

"Right," Meredith snorted. "The slutty intern that you cast aside your glamorous wife for? Who you married before your family even met her? And who got pregnant within a couple of months of that marriage, as a means to trap you?"

"I walked right into the trap," Derek said, his eyes twinkling.

"The rumour mill is going to love this," Meredith said, looking down at her abdomen with a frown.

"Why?" Derek asked. "We're married. Married people have children. Never mind that, unmarried people have children."

"But…"

"It's not the rumour mill that you're worried about," Derek guessed. "It's your friends. You're worried that they're not going to approve. They'll think you're throwing your career away."

Meredith avoided his eyes as she tied her shoelaces.

"Mer?" he prodded.

"I just… I was telling Dr. Briscombe that I don't even know exactly when I got pregnant because I've been too busy with work to keep track. I can't even do this right, and I'm going to be pregnant for nine months? And take care of it while it's in my body? And then give birth and be a mom? Me?"

"Meredith, Meredith," Derek said, stepping forward and taking her hands in his. "Calm down. Breathe."

Meredith shook her head. "When my friends ask me how I'm going to do this, I won't have an answer because I don't know how I'm going to do this."

"You're not," Derek said. She looked like she was going to cry, so he rushed to reassure her. "_We_ are, Meredith. You and me. You're not doing this alone. Obviously, you're going to be in the driver's seat during the pregnancy, but I'll be right beside you. I'll lean on the builders to finish the house, and I'll shop for furniture and I'll even put it together. I'll paint the nursery and I'll go out on midnight runs for pickle ice cream for you, if that's what you want. And after the baby comes, I'll be there for her, too."

"Her?" Meredith asked, picking up on the word immediately.

Derek shrugged. "I think it's a girl."

"Oh, do you?" she asked, unable to keep from smiling just a little at his certainty.

"Yeah," he said. "I do." He smiled. "As for all the other stuff, we'll work it out. You can slow down at work if you want."

"I don't want to," Meredith said stubbornly.

"Why don't we cross that bridge when we come to it?" he asked.

Meredith sighed. "But…"

"But nothing," he said. "You are not Cristina or Izzie. Or anyone else. This child is not theirs. This family is not theirs. You don't have to follow any rules, Meredith. We'll figure out what works best for all three of us, that's all."

Meredith looked doubtful, so he pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. "We'll figure it out, Mer. It doesn't all have to be planned today."

"Okay," she murmured.

"Okay." He pulled back and smiled at her. "Do you want to go find out how long we have to plan now?"

Meredith laughed and followed him out of the exam room and down the hall to Dr. Briscombe's office.

It was decorated in much the same manner as the reception area and Dr. Briscombe came in a minute later.

"How are you both doing?" she asked with a smile, taking a seat behind her desk.

"Great," Derek answered brightly, even while Meredith nervously twisted her hands in her lap.

"You'd like me to just get to it, wouldn't you?" Dr. Briscombe asked with a laugh.

"Yes," Meredith admitted.

"All right. Well, because you're not certain about the dates of your last menstrual cycle, I can't say with certainty right now, but I'd say you're about six weeks pregnant. I'd like to schedule an ultrasound with you and we'll have a much better idea of your due date then. I'm going to write you a prescription for some pre-natal vitamins, and I'd like you to think about reducing your workload a bit. I know that's not something that you want to hear, but you may be grateful for it as the pregnancy progresses. Of course, it will depend on what you feel you are able to handle, but I don't want you pushing yourself unnecessarily. Just be aware of your limitations, okay?"

Meredith nodded dutifully, although her mind was reeling with the implications of cutting back her workload. Derek wordlessly reached for his wife's hand and stroked his thumb over her knuckles soothingly.

Dr. Briscombe talked to them for several more minutes, then asked them to book an appointment with the receptionist for the ultrasound and congratulated them before she excused herself for her next appointment.

After booking the appointment, Derek and Meredith left the office and when they were alone once again in their car, Meredith turned to him.

"I'm fine," she blurted out without provocation.

Derek lifted an eyebrow. "Okay. I didn't say that you weren't."

"I don't want to cut back."

"I know."

"You're not going to ask me to?"

"Meredith, you know I'd never do that unless I felt that you and the baby needed it. We'll just see how it goes for a while."

She nodded, breathing a sigh of relief. "Everything's okay," she murmured.

"Yeah," Derek agreed, a wide smile breaking across his face. "Yeah, Mer. Everything is wonderful."

* * *

  
They went for a late lunch at a small café not far from the hospital, having invited Cristina so that Meredith could finally share their news with her. Cristina was already there when they arrived and she sighed impatiently as they made their way to her table on the patio.

"You're late," she informed them. Meredith took a seat beside her while Derek pulled out a chair across from them.

"Sorry," Meredith said. "We had somewhere we had to be."

"I have a surgery in…" Cristina consulted her watch. "Less than an hour. Let's just order."

"Cristina, hang on," Meredith urged her as her friend waved a waitress over. "Derek and I have something to tell you."

"Hang on," Cristina said. She placed her order with the overly bubbly waitress and then looked expectantly at Meredith and Derek. "Well?" she asked.

"Our news?" Meredith asked.

Cristina sighed.

"Food."

"Right," Meredith said. She offered a sheepish smile to the waitress. "Uh, sorry. We just sat down. Could we have a couple of minutes?"

"Meredith," Cristina said. "I can't sit here all day."

"I can go ahead and put your order in, but they won't all arrive at the same time," the waitress suggested.

"That's fine," Cristina said. The waitress shot Meredith and Derek an apologetic smile and shuffled off to place Cristina's order.

"So?"

"Uh, maybe I'll just have a salad," Meredith said.

"No, your news," Cristina said.

"Oh," Meredith breathed. She felt like some of the wind had been let out of her sails and she looked to her husband for energy.

"Let me guess," Cristina said, taking a sip of her ice water. "You got her pregnant," she said, looking at Derek.

Meredith looked down at her lap.

"Oh, crap," Cristina muttered. "You did." She turned to Meredith. "McDreamy and the McSpermettes knocked you up."

"McSpermettes?" Derek choked.

"Yeah," Meredith admitted. "I'm pregnant. It's … I'm happy about it, Cristina."

Cristina mulled this over for a moment. "What about surgery?"

Meredith blinked. "What about it?"

"Well, I don't know. I thought that you wanted to be a surgeon."

"I do. I will be."

"With the spawn of McDreamy clinging to you?"

"Hey!" Derek objected.

Meredith reached over to place her hand on his knee consolingly.

"I'm just saying," Cristina said with a shrug. "You can't do it all. Nobody can."

"Bailey does."

"Does she?" Cristina challenged her. "She has a husband who can stay home with the kid. Yours happens to be just like us. A surgical God." She looked pointedly at Derek. "I'm speaking in general terms. Don't let that go to your overinflated, overly-moussed head."

"Cristina," Meredith sighed. "I'm happy. Why is that a bad thing?"

Cristina opened her mouth to answer Meredith's question, but before she could lay her cards on the table, the waitress reappeared.

"Ready?" she asked perkily.

"I'll have the …" Derek began before being cut off by his pager. He glanced down at it. "Uh, I have to get over to the hospital. I asked them to page me if my patient from last night was in trouble." He got to his feet, then leaned down and kissed Meredith softly before straightening and shooting a warning look at Cristina, who seemed completely oblivious to it.

"Be nice," he warned Meredith's friend before he left the restaurant.

"I don't want to hear it," Meredith told Cristina when he was gone. "I know that it's not what you would do. It's not what you did do. But I love Derek and we want to start a family, and we are in a good place. We can do this."

"If you say so," Cristina said skeptically.

"I do," Meredith said. She sighed. "Cristina, please? Please be happy for me? I really need you to be happy for me. Derek is going to have his mom fly out here so that he can tell her in person and I really need you."

"You haven't told Tinkerbell, Bambi, and the Evil Spawn?"

Meredith shook her head. "No," she said. "They'll be happy and excited, and well, you know: Izzie will be Izzie. I needed to tell you because I knew that if I was still certain after I talked to you then I really want this."

"And?" Cristina prompted.

"And I really want this."

Cristina shook her head. "You know, you could have told me this after my surgery so that I could get drunk."

"You've lost your drinking partner, though," Meredith pointed out.

Cristina shook her head. "You're passing up tequila?" She sighed mournfully, and grimaced at Meredith. "Well, congratulations or whatever."


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you sure it's this flight?" Meredith asked Derek nervously for the umpteenth time two weeks later, as she craned her neck to scan the passengers disembarking from their flight and filing through the arrival doors at the airport.

"Yes," he answered patiently. He reached out and squeezed her shoulder.

Meredith shook her head. "She should be here, then."

"Maybe her luggage was last off."

"I thought you said she was only staying for a couple of days!"

"She is," he laughed. "But she still needs clothes."

Meredith frowned, wondering why she needed more than a small carry-on for a couple days worth of clothing.

A moment later, Derek reached down and grabbed her hand before pushing them through the crowd towards a small, dark haired woman wearing neatly pressed khakis and a button down blouse.

"Derek!" she greeted him with a wide smile. She was petite, but looked amazingly fit and energetic for her age. Her hair was nearly as dark as Derek's and streaked with only a few strands of grey that belied her years. Her eyes also reminded Meredith very much of Derek's and she felt herself drawn to the woman.

"Mom!" He released Meredith's hand for a moment so that he could embrace his mother. When he pulled away, she swept an appraising eye over Meredith.

"Hi," Meredith said nervously, blindly seeking Derek's hand with her own.

"Hi, Meredith," Elizabeth Shepherd greeted her warmly. "It's nice to finally meet you."

Meredith blushed apologetically. "Yes, it's nice to meet you, too."

"Should we get out of here?" Derek asked, picking up the small suitcase his mom had brought with her.

"Derek, honestly," Elizabeth scolded him. "I managed all the way from New York to Seattle with that. You don't need to carry it. I'm not some old lady." Her eyes were twinkling as she spoke and Meredith decided immediately that she liked the older woman, despite her earlier reservations.

"Mom," Derek sighed. "Just let me do this for you, okay? Consider it part of my punishment for not calling often enough." He glanced sideways at her. "Are you sure that you don't want to go to the hotel first?"

She shook her head and set her mouth stubbornly. "No, I want to see where you're living before you pick up and move again."

Derek sighed and shifted her suitcase in his hand.

The three of them made their way through the crowd still waiting for their loved ones, and when Derek reached the car, he lifted the suitcase into the trunk easily. Out of habit, Meredith moved toward the passenger seat, and then backed away, blushing furiously.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "You should sit up front with Derek. You haven't seen him for a long time."

"Thanks for reminding her, Mer," Derek laughed.

"No, that's fine, dear. I'm sure you'll be more comfortable there in your condition."

Derek and Meredith both gaped at her and Elizabeth laughed merrily. "Honestly, the two of you. You're going to catch flies like that." She motioned for all of them to get into the car and once they were buckled in, she spoke again. "I'm a mother of five and a grandmother to fourteen – soon to be fifteen," she reminded them.

"Impressive," Derek laughed.

"When are you due, dear?" Elizabeth asked Meredith.

"Late September or early October, we think," Meredith answered.

"Are you excited?" Elizabeth asked her.

"Mom!" Derek exclaimed. "What kind of question is that?"

"A perfectly reasonable one," Elizabeth answered her son. "Especially for a first pregnancy. This is your first pregnancy, isn't it?" she asked Meredith.

"Mom!"

Both Meredith and Elizabeth ignored him.

"Yeah," Meredith confirmed. "It is. And I'm… yeah, I'm excited." She hesitated and Derek turned to her.

"Meredith?" he questioned.

She shrugged and turned in her seat as far as the seatbelt would allow her so that she could face Elizabeth.

"I'm … nervous," she admitted. She shook her head in amazement that she should be telling this woman who she hardly knew and who probably arrived in Seattle with all sorts of preconceived notions about her about how worried she was about impending motherhood.

"Yes, dear," Elizabeth smiled. She reached forward and patted Meredith's arm gently. "It's okay. Just let yourself feel whatever it is that you're feeling."

Meredith smiled at Derek's mom and turned back to look out the windshield as Derek navigated them through the Seattle streets toward the ferryboat landing.

"Derek?" Elizabeth asked as he pulled into the lane for those boarding the ferry.

"Mom?" he retorted.

"I thought you lived in Seattle," she said.

"We do, but we live out on the island."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because," he explained, his tone of voice matching the patient one he'd used with Meredith earlier. "It's peaceful out there. I have three acres of land, and we're building a house there. It'll be a good place to raise our children."

"Children?" Elizabeth questioned, seizing upon the word. "Do the two of you plan on a large family?"

"Uh, well…" Meredith stammered.

"We haven't decided yet."

Elizabeth frowned, and toyed with the single strand of pearls around her neck.

"I would think that you would have discussed these things before your marriage," she said. "Of course, evidently it happened rather suddenly."

Meredith closed her eyes, ready for the onslaught of disapproval and blame from Elizabeth. When it didn't happen, she turned in surprise.

"You're not angry?" she asked her mother-in-law.

"Not at you, Meredith," Elizabeth said.

Derek sighed. "Just say it, then."

"Say what?" Elizabeth asked. "I have nothing to say."

"Right," Derek snorted.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Derek tapped on the steering wheel as he waited for the car ahead of them to pull up.

"Derek?" Elizabeth questioned him.

"It means that you always have something to say. Where do you think the girls got it from?"

Meredith held her breath as she waited for Elizabeth's response.

"You move three thousands miles, clear across to the other side of the country. You divorce your wife and start up another relationship without so much as telling us that you're doing so…"

"I wasn't aware that I needed your permission," Derek retorted, interrupting her.

"Hush," Elizabeth instructed him. "Let me finish, Derek. You completely overhaul your entire life, and when you decide that you're going to marry Meredith, I get nothing more than a phone call after the fact. It's not that you disrespected this family, Derek. It's that I thought you had more appreciation and love for us than that."

"Mom," Derek protested. "I do love you. I love all of you."

"Do you know how much it hurt me that you didn't even call to tell me that you wanted to marry Meredith? It's bad enough, everything that happened with Addison, but it didn't come as any big surprise to me. But this? Derek, honestly. It was as disrespectful to Meredith as it was to the rest of us."

"Oh, I…" Meredith started.

"No, Meredith, it was," Elizabeth insisted. "You have an entire family now that you haven't ever met."

"I've met Nancy," Meredith said in a small voice.

"I'm aware," Elizabeth said. "God knows I love all my children, but I would not have chosen Nancy as our ambassador. I hope you didn't fear me on account of her."

Meredith looked down at her lap. "Uh, well, I …"

"Oh, dear," Elizabeth sighed. She gave her son a disapproving shake of her head. "If this fool you've married would have considered what he was doing for one moment…"

"Mom!"

"Well, tell me that I'm wrong!" Elizabeth challenged him. "You know perfectly well that your family is nothing to be ashamed of. Your sisters may be overbearing and overprotective, but they do it out of love. You've never been cast aside or…"

"Enough," Derek interrupted her, casting a worried look at his wife. Meredith 's cheeks were pink, but the rest of her face was pale, and he knew without asking that she was thinking about her own fractured family. He reached for Meredith's hand wordlessly and squeezed it.

"I'm sorry, I seem to have stuck my foot in my mouth," Elizabeth murmured from the back seat.

"No, I'm sorry," Meredith apologized. "It's just that I don't have a comparable experience with my family."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Elizabeth said. "That's just all the more reason for Derek to have used his grey matter a little bit."

He sighed. "Mom, really, I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just … it's complicated." He pulled on to the ferry deck and parked.

"Well, it seems that we have some time now," Elizabeth said. "So why don't you start explaining it to me?"

* * *

By the time they pulled up in front of the trailer, Derek was practically jumping out of his skin and he got out of the car and headed up the stairs before Meredith or Elizabeth had a chance to react. Meredith shook her head, got out of the car and then held the door open for Elizabeth to climb out. 

"Thank you," Elizabeth said graciously.

Meredith nodded and looked towards the trailer.

"He's licking his wounds," Elizabeth told Meredith. "He'll be fine. He just doesn't like being called on his stupidity. He's an important neurosurgeon, you know." She winked at Meredith, who couldn't help but laugh.

"So I've heard."

They mounted the steps of the trailer and Meredith ushered her mother-in-law inside. Derek was sitting on the edge of the bed and he shook his head.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I just didn't think that I'd have to be justifying my life any more."

"Derek," his mother sighed. "You don't have to justify it at all. But it would be nice if you would share it."

He hung his head. "I just… after everything that happened at the end, in New York, I needed to get away. I needed a fresh start, and I didn't need you or any of my sisters telling me that I owed it to my marriage to forgive Addison. Or worse, that I owed it to my friendship with Mark to forgive him. I needed to be in a place that wasn't pregnant with expectation."

Elizabeth snorted.

"What?" he asked wearily.

"You could run as far as your legs would carry you, but you would be hard pressed to escape those expectations, Derek."

"So I've learned," he said grimly.

Elizabeth shook her head. "Not because they're mine, or Nancy's, or Kathleen's, or anyone else's. You couldn't escape the expectations because they're your own, Derek. You ran all the way out to Seattle and when your wife followed you, you let someone who you loved go out of obligation to your marriage."

Derek frowned.

"How do you know about that?"

Elizabeth shrugged. "I have my ways," she said, smiling enigmatically.

"Addison?" he guessed.

"No. She's moved on and I am happy for her. Whatever happened between the two of you and despite the reservations I had towards her when the incident with Mark happened, I wish her well. She was one of my daughters for a long time." Elizabeth turned to Meredith and smiled apologetically.

"It's okay," Meredith said immediately. "I understand."

"I'd like to get the chance to know you while I'm here," Elizabeth told her sincerely. "After all, you are a part of this family now, like it or not. And you are going to give me my fifteenth grandchild – the first who will grow up a Shepherd in name."

"Mom," Derek began, wanting to explain that Meredith had chosen to retain her maiden name. But his wife shook her head and he held himself back, following her lead.

"I think I'd like that, too," Meredith said, albeit with some hesitation in her voice.

Elizabeth smiled. "So this is where the two of you live?"

"Yes," Derek answered. "For now."

"For now?" his mother echoed.

"We're building a house," Meredith said. "It's just over the hill, actually. We can go take a look at the progress if you'd like."

Elizabeth breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank goodness!" she said. "I was wondered where you'd put the baby when it arrives."

"In a box under the bed, Mom," Derek said dryly.

"Derek…" she warned him.

"Would you like something to drink, Mrs. Shepherd?" Meredith asked to ease the tension.

"Meredith, please call me Elizabeth. Or Mom, if you'd like."

Meredith hesitated. "Elizabeth?"

"If you're having something, sure."

"Uh, I think we have some lemonade, or maybe some iced tea?"

"Whatever you'd like, dear."

Meredith nodded and moved over to the fridge, and then busied herself pouring drinks. She passed one first to Elizabeth and then to Derek before taking a long drink of her own.

"Why don't we go out on the deck?" Elizabeth suggested. "I expected rain, so this is certainly a pleasant surprise and perhaps an opportunity that we shouldn't pass up."

The three of them went outside and sat in deck chairs facing one another.

"Do you want a boy or a girl?" Elizabeth asked Meredith.

"Hey, what about me?" Derek pouted.

Elizabeth ignored him.

Meredith shrugged. "I don't know. It doesn't really matter, as long as it's healthy."

"That's what new mothers are expected to say," Elizabeth advised her with a wink.

Meredith laughed. "I think… a girl. I know what to expect with a girl."

"That's what I thought, too," Elizabeth laughed. "And then Nancy came along and that all went out the window."

"Oh," Meredith said softly.

"Oh, no… I didn't mean that it was a terrible experience. Not at all. It just wasn't what I expected it to be. It wasn't bad, Meredith. I had four more."

"Yes," Meredith laughed. "I'm glad."

"Yes, well… Derek was second last and after him, I seriously considered demanding that his father get a vasectomy."

"Hey!" Derek protested. "I wasn't _that_ bad!"

"You were a handful, dear."

"I think we're having a girl," he declared, changing the subject.

"Oh?" Elizabeth asked. "And just how did you deduce this?"

"I'm a respected doctor," Derek shot back.

"You're a brain surgeon, Derek. You are not an obstetrician."

"So?" he challenged her. "The obstetrician didn't know!"

"Of course she didn't," Meredith laughed. "I'm barely pregnant."

"Still," Derek said stubbornly. "I think it's a girl."

"We'll see," his mother said knowingly. She finished her drink and set it down on the table. "Could we go take a look at this house you're building?"

Derek smiled happily. "Yes, let's do that."

* * *

  
After dinner, Derek took his mom back across the bay and drove her to her hotel. When he got back to the trailer, he found Meredith lying across the width of their bed, fast asleep. He slipped off his shoes and started peeling off his clothes, then walked over to the shower. Meredith woke at the sound of the water and he smiled apologetically at her. 

"Sorry," he mouthed, pulling his shirt over his head.

Meredith blinked at him, still half-asleep, yet appreciative of the view.

"Is your mom okay staying at the hotel?" she asked with a yawn.

"She's fine," he assured her. "She had a lot to say on the way back."

"Oh?" Meredith asked with a frown. Her heart skipped a beat and she worried about Elizabeth's assessment of her.

"She told me how disappointed she was in me for keeping you from her for so long," he grinned, shaking his head.

"Oh," Meredith breathed.

"She was very impressed by you."

"Even after…" Meredith started, and then bit her lip.

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Even after what?" he asked.

Meredith gestured to herself helplessly. "I'm ten years younger than you are. I was your intern. I got knocked up. And I'm not some leggy, beautiful creature like Addison…"

"You keep me young," Derek shrugged. "You were my intern, I'll give you that. But I never favoured you at work and you never expected it. So that point is moot. You got knocked up and I am so happy about that. I knocked you up." He grinned at her. "And you're not leggy, but you are so beautiful to me. More and more every day."

Meredith grinned. "Cheesy."

"What?" he asked innocently.

She shook her head. "Are you heading in there?" she asked him, motioning towards the shower.

"Yep," he answered. "Why? Do you want to join me?" he wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.

Meredith stood and slipped out of her clothes.

"It might be the last time we'll fit in there together," she laughed.

* * *

"So?" Cristina pressed as she and Meredith got ready for rounds the following morning. "What's she like?" 

"Who?" Izzie asked, skipping a little to catch up to them.

"McDreamy's Momma," Cristina said, laughing sadistically.

"Oh, Derek's mom is here?" Izzie asked excitedly. "Wow. That's nice! You finally get to meet her."

"She's fine," Meredith answered, hoping the answer would appease both of them. Of course, it didn't.

"What's she like?" Izzie asked. "Does she look like Derek? I bet she looks like Derek. Is she nice? Or does she blame you for the whole Addison thing? Because that wouldn't really be fair, and…"

"Izzie," Cristina interjected. "Don't you have rounds or something?"

Izzie frowned, hurt by being excluded once again.

"I'll tell you all about her later, okay, Iz?" Meredith said.

"Yeah, sure," Izzie grumbled. "I have to go check on Mr. Cooper." She walked away from them and Meredith sighed.

"Could you try to be a little nicer to her?" she asked Cristina when Izzie was out of earshot.

Cristina shrugged. "I thought she was annoying you."

Meredith sighed again. "She was," she agreed. "But she wasn't really doing any harm. And she wanted to know the same thing you did."

"Not really," Cristina pointed out. "I wanted to know if you've told her about the McDreamette."

"Okay, seriously?" Meredith said. "Could you please stop referring to my unborn child as the McDreamette?"

"Whatever," Cristina shrugged. "What's Momma Shepherd like?"

"She's very nice, actually. I like her."

"Wait," Cristina said, coming to a halt directly in front of Meredith, which forced her to stop quickly to avoid running right into her. "You _like_ her?"

"Yeah," Meredith said. "I do."

"But she's a parent. You and parents don't mix."

"No," Meredith corrected her. "I didn't mix with _my_ parents."

"Or with Susan."

"I liked Susan," Meredith said shortly. "A lot, actually."

"Whatever," Cristina said dismissively. "That's not the point. The point is that you like Momma Shepherd."

"Elizabeth," Meredith said. "And yeah, I do."

"And she likes you?" Cristina asked skeptically. "Even though you're the dirty mistress?"

"Even though I'm the dirty mistress."

"Wow."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed.

"That must make Shepherd happy."

"I don't know," Meredith said. "I guess so. I think they still have their own issues."

"But you told her about the baby?"

"Shhh," Meredith hushed her.

"Oh, what?" Cristina asked, rolling her eyes. "Everyone is going to find out sooner or later."

"Yeah, well, I'd rather it was later."

"You still haven't told the other three?"

"No," Meredith said. "I will. Soon."

"Hey, it doesn't bother me," Cristina said.

They crossed the bridge and headed down the stairs together.

"So, is she going to move in with you guys when the baby is born?" Cristina asked.

"What?" Meredith asked, aghast. "No!"

Cristina cackled. "Ah, so Momma Shepherd isn't so great after all."

"No, she is," Meredith insisted. "I really think that she is. But Derek and I can do this on our own. Can't we?"

Cristina shrugged. "Don't ask me. I wouldn't do it with an army of help."

Meredith shook her head and then looked down when she was paged. "I have to go," she told Cristina.

"Lunch?" her friend called after her as she hurried away.

"Derek!" Meredith called back. "Sorry. Tomorrow?" She didn't stick around long enough to find out the answer.

* * *

  
She met Derek under a tree in the hospital courtyard and he smiled widely at her and pulled her into a gentle hug. 

"How was your morning?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Busy."

"You look tired," he observed.

She laughed. "Yeah, well, if somebody hadn't kept me up for hours. First the shower and then the foot of the bed, and then the head of the bed. And you did the bendy thing. You know that I can't resist the bendy thing."

Derek grinned and winked at her. "Does that mean that if I use the bendy thing again tonight…?"

"Don't push your luck," Meredith said. "I need sleep. I'm growing a child here, remember?"

"How could I forget?" he asked her. "Speaking of which, have you thought about when you'll tell the three musketeers?"

Meredith sighed. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

Derek shrugged. "Probably because it'd be nice to tell them before they figure it out for themselves."

"Fine," Meredith said. She pushed her salad aside and got to her feet.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked her, relaxing against the tree trunk. He took a bite out of his apple.

"Going to find the three blind mice."

A moment later, she returned with George, Izzie, and Alex in tow.

"What's going on?" George asked, a befuddled expression on his face. Izzie looked between them expectantly.

Alex shook his head. "Dude," he grinned.

Meredith rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah, okay. So you can sit down, since you've obviously figured it out."

Alex chuckled and flopped down on the grass next to Derek, offering him his handshake.

"What?" Izzie asked.

Meredith sighed. "So, it seems that I'm pregnant," she said.

"What?" Izzie gasped. She shook her head. "Pregnant pregnant?"

"Is there some other kind of pregnant?" Meredith asked sarcastically.

"Meredith," George breathed. "You're going to have a baby?"

"That's generally what pregnant means," Alex offered from his spot on the grass.

George scowled at him.

"When are you due?" Izzie asked. "Do you know what you're having? Have you started shopping? Is the house going to be ready on time? Can I help with the nursery?" she asked a million questions at once, barely taking the time to breathe.

"Iz, slow down. I don't know for sure when I'm due. I'll know more after my next appointment. We have nine months, you know. We don't have to do everything today. We don't know what we're having, and it doesn't really matter," Meredith said with a shrug. "Derek is working on making sure the house is ready, and if it is, then yes, you can help with the nursery. And we'll go shopping, okay? Just not today."

Izzie nodded, then thought of something else and narrowed her eyes at Meredith. "That's what you were talking about earlier. Cristina knows, doesn't she?" she accused Meredith. "You told her before you told us."

Meredith sighed. "Yes, I told Cristina. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, Iz."

Izzie started to say something, but then apparently thought better of it and smiled instead. "It's okay," she said generously. "I'm just so excited for you guys! Oh, it's so great! A baby!" She hugged Meredith without warning and then did the same to Derek, who just laughed.

"Congratulations," she said to both of them. She gave a stern look to both George and Alex, who echoed the sentiment, then sat down on the grass and beamed up at Meredith. "Wow, I can't believe you're going to have a baby."

"Me either," Meredith admitted.

"So it wasn't planned?"

"Uh…" Meredith hesitated. "Kind of, but not really. We'd talked about it, but we didn't think that it would happen so soon."

"Well, I think it's really great," Izzie said. "Have you told Chief Webber?"

Meredith nodded. George was paged and he leaned in and kissed Meredith's cheek softly.

"You're going to be a great mom," he told her sincerely. "Congratulations."

"Thanks, George."

"Congratulations to you, too, Dr. Shepherd."

"Thank you," Derek said. "And George? Do you think you'll ever stop calling me Dr. Shepherd?"

"I don't know, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek laughed and shook his head and George offered them one last congratulations before hurrying off.

"You're going to have an impressive rack," Alex observed as Meredith sat down and settled against Derek.

"Alex!"

"What?" he shrugged. "You are. You're a lucky man, Shepherd," he told Derek.

"I know," Derek said proudly. He ran his hands over Meredith's still flat abdomen, outlining with his fingers where their child would grow.


	4. Chapter 4

They'd planned on taking off the few days that Elizabeth would be in town, but unsurprisingly, their plans were altered by several emergency surgeries. Elizabeth was good-natured about the disruption of their plans, shrugging it off.

"This is what my children do," she told Meredith. "I'm used to it."

"But you came all the way to Seattle," Meredith protested. "We feel awful."

They'd managed to squeeze in a late dinner with Elizabeth at a local seafood restaurant and Derek had just excused himself to visit the restroom.

"Well, then you'll need some retail therapy," Elizabeth smiled. "You have tomorrow off, don't you?"

"I do."

"Good," Elizabeth said. "Then we'll go shopping and have lunch or something."

"Derek has to work," Meredith said.

"That's fine," Elizabeth said cheerfully. "He's not invited. It's a girls only event."

Meredith laughed. "Okay," she agreed, even though a voice in the back of her head whined that she shouldn't do this. Danger! It said. But she liked Elizabeth and she found herself looking forward to spending the day with her, getting to know her and having the opportunity to ask her about Derek before Meredith knew him.

"Good," Elizabeth said again, nodding in satisfaction. Derek returned from the bathroom and took his seat.

"What's going on?" he asked, his gaze shifting from his wife to his mother and back.

"Nothing!" Meredith said brightly.

"Okay, now I know something is going on. Were you sharing stories about me or something?" he asked suspiciously.

"Don't be so paranoid, Derek," Elizabeth scolded him.

"The two of you are up to something."

"The two of us are going to have a lovely day tomorrow while you are playing God with people's lives," she answered.

Derek raised an eyebrow and turned to Meredith. "Really?" he asked, disbelief evident in his voice.

Meredith shrugged. "Sure."

"What did you say to her?" Derek asked his mom, referring to Meredith.

"Nothing. I simply invited Meredith to spend the day with me, shopping. I thought we could have a nice lunch and get to know each other a bit better without you guarding her like a pit bull."

Derek shook his head. "Don't pressure her, Mom."

"I didn't!" Elizabeth protested. She turned to Meredith for support. "Did I?"

"No," Meredith agreed. "She didn't. It's fine, Derek. I want to do this."

"Are you sure?" he asked her.

"Yes," she laughed.

They finished their dinner and once they'd dropped Elizabeth off at her hotel, Derek interrogated his wife.

"What brought this up?" he asked her when he'd established that yes; she had every intention of following through with her plans with his mom.

"Nothing!" Meredith said. "She just asked if I'd like to spend the day shopping with her. I'd be a fool to pass that up, right?"

"But," Derek sputtered. "You're you!"

Meredith narrowed her eyes at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Derek sighed. "It just means that it's surprising that you've let her get so close to you."

"I like her, Derek."

"Well, she likes you, too," he confided. "But I'm still surprised, given your penchant for keeping people at arm's length."

"Okay, that was my dad," Meredith said.

"And Susan," he pointed out. "And me."

"I never kept you at arm's length," Meredith protested.

"Oh, really?" he said. "What do you call 'drawing a line'?"

Meredith snorted. "Oh, because that worked."

"Okay, then what about the bathtub?"

His wife rolled her eyes. "Again, not exactly the best example," she said, gesturing to her abdomen.

"Okay, then…"

"Derek, you're going to lose on all points. I didn't keep you at arm's length."

"But you wanted to. You told me that when you came back from your shower, I wouldn't be there."

"I wanted to," Meredith admitted. "But you made it very difficult."

"Impossible," he amended. "Anyway, I'm just surprised."

Meredith shrugged. "It's one day. I think she wants to spoil her newest grandchild, that's all."

Derek laughed. "She does it with all of them, so I'm sure you're right."

"You're not going to spend the whole day worrying about us, are you?" Meredith asked him. "We're just going shopping. Nothing bad is going to happen."

Derek turned to her. "Okay, who are you? And what have you done with my wife?"

* * *

The following morning, after Derek went to work, Meredith drove herself into Seattle and met Elizabeth for a late breakfast. Afterwards, they headed out to shop and Meredith found herself getting excited about the tiny baby clothes and the toys that they looked at.

"Do you have a crib yet?" Elizabeth asked.

Meredith shook her head. "No. We're still hoping that the house will be ready on time."

"Money talks," Elizabeth advised. "And Derek has plenty of it. I'm sure it will be ready if that's what you want. There's nothing that he wouldn't do for you and your child."

Meredith smiled. "Yeah," she agreed. "He's been great."

"He adores you," Elizabeth said. "That much is clear."

"It's mutual," Meredith told her.

"I'm happy to hear that. So, I suppose that your parents would like to buy the crib?"

Meredith balked. "Uh, I don't… no."

Elizabeth's forehead creased. "I'm sorry, Meredith. Am I being invasive?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. I … well, I guess Derek really hasn't shared much with you."

"No," Elizabeth agreed.

"My mom is gone," Meredith revealed. "She passed away about eight months ago."

"I'm sorry," Elizabeth said gently. "Were you close?"

Meredith shook her head again. "We had a difficult relationship at the best of times," she said. "And at the end… well, she had early onset Alzheimer's, and it wasn't easy."

"No," Derek's mom agreed. "I don't imagine it would have been. I'm very sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," Meredith said softly.

"So, it's just you and your father? Do you have siblings?"

Meredith laughed dryly. "Oh, well, that's a whole other story."

"I'm sorry, Meredith," Elizabeth began. "Please just tell me if I'm being too nosy. I have a habit of sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong. My children have been coping with it for years."

Meredith nodded. "Well, if you don't mind, I'd rather not discuss my family any more."

"Okay, dear," Elizabeth said gently. "Why don't we discuss your new family, then? Have you chosen any names for the baby?"

"No," Meredith said. "We don't know if we're having a boy or a girl yet."

"That never stopped me," Elizabeth laughed.

"Do you…" Meredith hesitated. "Do you have any suggestions?"

Elizabeth smiled. "Oh, that's sweet of you to ask," she said. "But this is your and Derek's child."

"But there are names that you like?" Meredith pressed.

"Well…" Elizabeth laughed. "There are certainly names that I _don't_ like." She winked at her daughter-in-law and Meredith joined in on her laughter.

"Such as?" Meredith asked.

Elizabeth wrinkled her nose. "I'm not big on these super-trendy names."

"Me either," Meredith confided.

"And I don't like a child to be named something that was a noun. No Rainbows or Rivers or Echos."

"I hate misspellings!" they said in unison. Laugher ensued and when they'd caught their breath, Elizabeth told Meredith that she was sure that whatever she and Derek chose to name their child would be perfect.

"Thank you," Meredith said.

Elizabeth nodded. "Is the crib something that you and Derek would like to purchase on your own?" she asked. Meredith shrugged.

"I'd like to buy you one, then," Elizabeth said. "I always go overboard with my grandchildren and I always make one extravagant purchase," she laughed. "I'd like this to be it, if that's okay with you."

"Oh," Meredith answered. "Wow. I … well, I feel like it's too much."

"It's really not," Elizabeth assured her. "I've been waiting for a long time for Derek to have a child, and I'd like to do this."

Meredith hesitated and then nodded. "Okay," she agreed. "Thank you. But please don't spend a lot of money."

"Nonsense," Elizabeth said. "This is for your child, Meredith. My grandchild. No expense should be spared."

Meredith laughed. "Thank you," she said softly.

"Of course, dear."

They spent some time looking for the perfect crib and once they'd found it, Elizabeth declared that they should go to the spa to rejuvenate from the effort.

Meredith shook her head. "Now you're just spoiling me."

"Are you kidding me?" Elizabeth asked with a wink. "I need this for myself. I just think that you'll be good company."

They stopped for a bite to eat before they headed back to Elizabeth's hotel for treatment in the hotel's spa. At the end of the day, Meredith felt incredible and she thanked Derek's mom profusely for everything.

"I'm just trying to butter you up so that you'll convince my son to come home at Christmas," Elizabeth winked.

Meredith smiled shyly and Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.

"You're worried about his sisters, aren't you?"

Meredith shrugged. "Well, Nancy and I didn't exact get off on the right foot."

"Pay no attention to Nancy," Elizabeth advised her. "Her bark is worse than her bite. She really just wants what's best for Derek. I'm sure that you can understand that."

Meredith nodded. "I do. But I get the feeling that she really doesn't like me much."

"What's not to like?" Elizabeth asked.

"Well," Meredith laughed. "For starters, I'm the young, slutty intern who came between Derek and Addison."

Elizabeth's mouth tightened into a thin line. "Meredith," she said. "For what it's worth, we were all aware long before you entered the picture that Derek and Addison's marriage was likely over."

Meredith nodded. "But…"

"When he left Manhattan, Addison called us in tears. She didn't know where he'd gone and to be honest, he didn't advise any of us that he was even leaving. When Addison confessed her indiscretion with Mark, I knew that it was unsalvageable."

Meredith frowned. "Derek didn't."

Elizabeth sighed. "Derek is stubborn and optimistic and generous to a fault. I have no doubt that he sincerely believed that his marriage could be saved, and that he had an obligation to do so. I'm not saying that Addison should be absolved of what he did, but I also know my son, and I know that he didn't attend to his marriage as he should have. So there was a lot of guilt for him to work through. But you know all of this."

Meredith nodded. "Yes."

"What I'm saying is that all of us are fully aware that you did not come between Derek and Addison because the gulf between them was wide enough that it was simply impossible for you to do so. Nancy knows this. She's very protective of him, though. She came out here and she saw for herself the depth of his feelings for you. It concerned her," Elizabeth said with a shrug. "Derek has a tendency to fall very hard very quickly."

Meredith blinked. "Is that how it happened with Addison?" she asked. Then she shook her head. "You know what? Never mind. It doesn't matter."

"Addison was a challenge for him. She was stunning and cultured and refined. In the beginning, being with Addison was as much about proving that he'd arrived as anything."

"But he loved her," Meredith said. It wasn't a question.

"Yes," Elizabeth acknowledged. "He loved her. And she loved him. But they met when they were twenty-two years old. They dated for quite a long time before they got married, yes. But in those years, they were headed in the same direction. They thought they wanted the same things."

"But Derek wanted children," Meredith murmured.

"Yes, he did. But so did Addison. They were planning on having a family, eventually. But then their careers really took off, and children were put on the backburner to accommodate their more immediate goals. It's not a bad thing, per se. It's just that as time passed, other goals that they had in common, along with shared interests, were sidetracked, and what was left wasn't enough to sustain their marriage."

"Doesn't that make you worry?" Meredith asked her.

"Why?"

Meredith shrugged. "There is a considerable age difference between us. And I'm just starting out in my career. There are a lot of things that I'd like to do in my life."

"Meredith, what do you want?"

She blinked. "Excuse me?"

Elizabeth smiled benevolently. "When you picture yourself in five years, or ten, what do you see?"

Meredith shrugged again. "I don't know. I guess I'll be done my residency. Derek and I will have this baby, and we'll be a little family. Or maybe we'll have one or two more." She blushed. "I haven't really thought about this."

"Yes, you have," Elizabeth said gently.

Meredith sighed. "We'll be living in our new house, and maybe we'll have a dog. We had a dog; did you know that? Well, actually, I had a dog. His name was Doc. But he peed on my roommates' clothes and he violated George's leg…" She laughed nervously, and then shook her head. "Anyway, I had Doc. But I couldn't keep him, so Derek took him. Well, Derek and Addison, because she was living in the trailer with him at the time, so he was kind of their dog. Except not really, because he was more Derek's dog. Addison just tolerated him. Barely. And he was still my dog. So, he was my dog and he was Derek's dog. And…" She took a deep breath, and turned crimson.

"I'm sorry," she apologized to Elizabeth. "I tend to ramble."

Elizabeth laughed. "So, you see yourself as a family, and you want that?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. Yes."

"Then that's why I'm not worried."

* * *

Derek pulled his scrub cap off as he pushed through the doors of the scrub room and made his way down the hallway toward the elevators that would take him up to his office. It was quarter past four in the afternoon and he fumbled with his pager, checking it yet again in the hopes that his wife had paged him. There were a couple of non-emergency pages from one of his colleagues, and he ignored these as he got on the elevator and pushed the button.

When he reached his office, he checked his personal cell phone as well and found it free of messages. Frowning, he pressed speed-dial and waited for Meredith to pick up.

"Hi," she said cheerily a moment later.

"Where are you?" he demanded.

He could almost hear her frowning. "We're just heading over there. What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" he said, annoyance washing over him. "I haven't heard from you all day."

"I wasn't aware that I had to check in," Meredith teased him.

"Mer…"

"We're just pulling in to the lot. Where are you?"

He sighed. "In my office."

He heard her repeat this information to his mom and he looked around at the stacks of medical journals and assorted papers littering his office space. By reflex, he quickly picked up a stack of them and shoved them in a box under his desk. If his mother was heading to his office, he'd rather avoid the lecture about untidiness.

"Okay, stay there," Meredith said. "We'll be there in two minutes."

"Mer…"

"Just stay!" she demanded. Derek sighed again and promised her that he would.

After he hung up, he hurriedly tidied the office, and then collapsed into the chair behind his desk. He rolled his head forward and back, trying to loosen the stiffness he felt. Thirty seconds later, there was a soft knock on the door and Meredith pushed it open. She was followed by Derek's mom, who laughed.

"What?" he asked with a scowl. He'd just lost his patient on the table, and this, combined with his inability to get a hold of his wife all day had decimated his normally warm demeanour.

"Did you hide everything under the desk?" his mom asked with a wink.

Derek grunted in response.

"Somebody is cranky today," Meredith observed. She set down a bag on the edge of his desk.

"Did you have a good day?" Derek managed to ask, softening when she moved to him and kissed him hello.

She smiled. "We had a wonderful day. We went for a late breakfast, and then we went shopping for the baby."

"Oh?" The bad mood slipped away.

Meredith nodded enthusiastically. "And your mom got us a crib."

"She did?" Derek asked. He turned to his mom. "You did?"

"I did it for all of your sisters' first babies," she reminded him.

"Thank you," Derek said softly. "You really didn't have to."

"I wanted to," she said firmly.

"Where are we going to put a crib?" Derek wondered out loud.

"Well," Meredith answered with a grin. "We were hoping that it would give you some incentive to put some pressure on the builders."

Derek chuckled. "I'm working on it, I promise."

He pulled Meredith into his lap. "So, is that all you bought today?" he asked, eyeing the bag.

"No," she said enigmatically. She twisted around so that she could face him. "I bought you something, too."

"You did?" he asked. He dropped his voice to a low, husky whisper and made a guess that only she could hear.

"Derek!" Meredith scolded him. She rolled her eyes at him. "Your _mother_ is in the room."

"I didn't hear a thing, dear," Elizabeth said with a wink.

"Anyway, you're wrong," Meredith informed him. She pulled the bag closer and handed it to her husband. He reached inside and pulled out a baby bib declaring him the number one daddy.

He chuckled. "I love it. I don't think it'll fit me, but I love it," he winked.

Meredith rolled her eyes at him. "Funny."

He leaned closer to her. "Thank you," he whispered.

"It was your mom's idea," Meredith confided. "I got one, too," she added proudly, pulling a matching Mommy bib out of the bag.

"You will be the number one Mommy," Derek told her.

Meredith sighed and he detected a note of worry in it.

"You will be," he insisted.

"Aside from your own Mommy, of course," Elizabeth piped up from her seat.

"Mom, I'm a grown man."

"You're never too old to have a Mommy," she told him with a wink.

"When are you going back to New York?" Derek asked her.

Elizabeth ignored him and turned her attention to Meredith. "You need to convince him to come to Long Island, and we can repeat the spa with the girls. Maybe we can venture into Manhattan and do some shopping there. I'm sure Derek will gladly hand over his platinum card."

"Gladly," Derek agreed dryly. "And maybe we'll let everyone get used to the idea of the baby and the marriage and everything before I let the lions loose on Meredith."

"Meredith is perfectly capable of taking care of herself," Elizabeth asserted.

"I know that," Derek said. "But you know the girls."

"Derek, they'll be fine. They'll be excited about the baby."

Meredith watched the two of them argue for a minute before she interrupted. "Do I get to have an opinion here?" she asked. They fell silent.

"I loved getting a chance to know you," she told Derek's mom sincerely. "But I have a long, sordid history with families. Nancy is already predisposed to disliking me, and I don't think that if I were having quintuplets that would change. But I realize that they're your family," she said to Derek. "So maybe there's a way that I can meet them individually? Maybe we could invite them out here one at a time, if they can make it. Or maybe, if we fly out there, we can stay in the city and I can meet each of them on different days for lunch or something?"

"Whatever you're comfortable with, Mer," Derek told her. He reached up to stroke her cheek.

Elizabeth pursed her lips. "Would you like me to speak to them?" she asked.

Meredith shook her head. "I don't want them being nice to me because you've asked them to."

"It won't be asking," Derek assured her with a laugh.

"That's comforting," she whispered.

He squeezed her arm gently.

"You are family," Elizabeth said firmly. "You and this child. They'll come around, I promise."

"Thank you," Meredith said softly. She pulled herself up out of Derek's lap. "Will you excuse me for a minute?" she asked. "I just need to check something."

She left them alone in Derek's office. When she was gone, Derek frowned and rubbed his temples.

"Are you feeling all right, Derek?" Elizabeth asked.

"Fine," he said with a sigh. "I know you mean well, Mom, but Mer gets a little skittish when it comes to things like this. I really don't want to pressure her, especially not now."

"Derek, honestly," Elizabeth sighed impatiently. "Your sisters are adults. They will behave themselves."

"They're Addison's friends," he reminded his mom.

"They're your sisters," she countered. She frowned. "Is she feeling okay? Is everything okay with the pregnancy? She seemed fine today. We went to the spa because I didn't want to completely wear her down."

Derek shrugged. "I guess. She's had some morning sickness, but nothing too debilitating. We're having the first ultrasound done soon."

"That's exciting," Elizabeth smiled.

Derek lit up. "Yeah," he agreed.

"I asked Meredith if you'd thought of names. She said that you hadn't because you didn't know the gender yet," she said, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yeah. We have time."

"This is your child, Derek."

He laughed. "I'm aware, Mom."

"Your first child."

"Yeah." He smiled happily.

Elizabeth sat back and observed her son for a moment.

"I think you're the most settled and relaxed I've ever seen you," she said after a moment. "I wasn't happy when you and Addie split. I loved her like a daughter. I still do, and I suppose that I always will. But I see the change in you, and it's for the better, Derek. I never said anything before because I knew that you would choose to ignore it, but I was concerned about the way you were living in Manhattan. I know that you love what you do and you're very good at it, and I am proud of your accomplishments, but you were getting lost in that lifestyle. I'm not suggesting that everything is sunshine and roses here, but you seem happy."

"I am."

"Well, then never mind your sisters. They'll come to see what I do, Derek."

"I'm fine with whatever they think. I really don't care. But Meredith will. I know that she can take care of herself, but she's pregnant, and I don't want her any more stressed than she has to be. I don't want her stressed at all, to be honest."

"Let me worry about the girls," Elizabeth said with a determined look. "And we'll take it as slowly as the two of you need to. But Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"You really need to reach out," she advised him. "They feel so hurt and rejected."

He nodded. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Tell them. And for God's sake, tell them about your child."

He grinned. "I can't wait."


	5. Chapter 5

"Look at this," Meredith said, her tone awed, as she flipped through yet another of the many pregnancy books supplied by Izzie in the last month. She passed the book over to Derek, who glanced at the page she'd left open.

"Did you skip this in med school?" he teased her, looking at the pictures of the developing fetus.

"I wasn't interested in obstetrics," she retorted.

Derek laughed at her before passing the book back. Meredith's first ultrasound was scheduled for the following morning and she was trying to prepare herself for what to expect. Between work, Derek's mom's visit and the difficulty of re-booking an appointment with one of the busiest obstetricians in Seattle, Meredith was overdue for the procedure, but pointed out to Derek that they'd definitely be able to determine whether they were having a boy or a girl.

He settled in bed beside her and read over her shoulder while she continued browsing through the book.

"Did you call your mom back?" Meredith asked, her eyes fixed on the page ahead of her.

"Yes. She wanted to know if we'd finished the house since she left," he replied. "I swear, the two of you are ganging up on me!"

Meredith chuckled. "We're not," she said. She set the book down on the nightstand and rolled towards him. "Did you tell her that we're finally seeing the doctor tomorrow?"

"Yes. She's excited. She wants copies of the ultrasound pictures."

Meredith shook her head. "If I know you, every person in your e-mail address book will get a copy."

Derek grinned and reached over to turn out the light; Meredith snuggled against him in the dark and closed her eyes, and he pressed his hands against her rapidly growing baby bump. Even though they hadn't found time to do the ultrasound, Meredith was fairly certain that she'd already entered the second trimester; her expanding body was exhibit A.

"Derek?" she asked, covering his hands with hers.

"Hmmm?"

"Do you think we're having a boy or a girl?"

He laughed. "It doesn't matter, Mer."

"I didn't ask if it mattered," she retorted. "I asked you to guess."

"A girl," he said.

"So you haven't changed your answer?"

She could feel him vibrate with laughter. "No. Girl."

"Care to make this interesting?" she teased him.

"You want to wager on our unborn child?" he asked, pretending to be aghast.

She snickered. "Well, I have a fifty-fifty chance, right?" she reasoned.

"Okay, you're on. How much do you want to bet?"

"Fifty bucks?" she suggested.

"Oh, come on. You can do better than that."

"A hundred?"

"How about a free pass for sex after the baby is born and you've recovered?"

Meredith snorted in response. "Is this like a get out of jail free card?" she asked. "Because I always assumed that you wouldn't be getting any sex for a long time after I squeeze your child out."

"Meredith," he whined.

"What do I get?" she asked him.

"Sex with me, duh!" he retorted.

"Oh, come on. You can do better than that."

"Hey!"

You're going to have to sweeten the pot," she advised him.

"I'm hurt."

"Come on, Derek," she provoked him. "Make me an offer I can't refuse."

His hands left her belly and began to explore her newly developed curves, and Meredith was forced to accept his initial offer.

* * *

"I'm glad that you two finally made it in," Dr. Briscombe greeted them, entering the small exam room and flipping open Meredith's chart. "Okay, so we'll get started on the ultrasound right away, but I want to run a couple of tests, so we may as well get that out of the way first." 

"AFP?" Derek inquired, reaching over to put his hand on Meredith's knee.

Dr. Briscombe nodded. "Yes, among others. So I'm just going to draw some blood and send it off to the lab, and then we'll get to the fun part. Introducing you to your baby. How does that sound?"

"Wonderful," Derek grinned. Meredith nodded her agreement and waited while Dr. Briscombe drew her blood. A few minutes later, she was reclining on the exam table and Dr. Briscombe reached for the gel to spread over her abdomen. However, before she could get started, Derek was paged. Frowning, he unclipped the device from his jeans and glanced at it.

"Oh, you're kidding me!"

Meredith arched an eyebrow. "Derek?"

"It's a 911. I have to go. I'm the only available neuro attending." He looked like he might cry or throw something. Either way, he was not happy about the news.

Meredith frowned and glanced up at Dr. Briscombe, then back at Derek. "I really don't want to do this without you," she said.

He sighed. "I know. I want to be here, too."

Meredith bit her lip. "I know your schedule is really busy," she said to Dr. Briscombe. "But…"

The doctor smiled sympathetically. "You might be in luck. I have a cancellation next week. If it works with your schedules…"

"I'll make it work," Derek said with determination. Meredith hesitated. "I'll make it work," Derek insisted, locking eyes with her.

Meredith nodded. "Okay. Yeah. I'd rather do it then. I'm so sorry for taking up so much of your time today," she apologized to Dr. Briscombe.

She waved it off. "I understand, Meredith. Okay, just make sure to let Kelly know before you leave and I'll see you next week?"

Meredith and Derek nodded and thanked her again, and then she was gone. Meredith sat up and slid off the exam table, and hurriedly got dressed. They'd come to the office in the same car and because she wasn't scheduled at work, she told Derek that she'd just take the car home and pick him up later. He drove to the hospital, tense and annoyed that he'd been called in instead of seeing his unborn child. When he parked, Meredith reached over and massaged his shoulder.

"It's only a week," she said.

"We've pushed it back so much already. You're going to be in labour by the time we manage to make it to the ultrasound," he grumbled.

Meredith laughed and leaned over to press her lips to his.

"Next week," she promised. "Barring natural disasters, of course."

Derek rolled his eyes. "I'm not holding my breath."

* * *

Though their next appointment wasn't scheduled until the following Thursday, Dr.Briscombe's receptionist left them a message on Monday morning, asking them to return to the office that afternoon, if they were available. Meredith called Derek immediately upon listening to the recording. He was in surgery, so she made her way to the hospital and hovered outside the O.R. until he was finished and had entered the scrub room. 

He frowned when she relayed the information to him, but said little.

"Well?" she pressed.

"Well, what?"

"Something's wrong."

"Meredith…"

She shook her head. "No. Don't tell me that I'm being crazy. Something's wrong."

"Maybe she's just had another cancellation and thought that we might like to come in sooner rather than later," he reasoned. "We weren't happy about having to leave the other day."

"No, we weren't," Meredith agreed. "But Derek, we're doctors… you know that if she wants us to return right away…"

"Stop it," he urged her. "Don't do this to yourself, Mer. Don't get yourself all worked up over nothing."

"You don't know that it's nothing," she argued, wishing that he'd hurry up with his methodical scrubbing. Finally, he reached for the paper towel, dried his hands and deposited the used towel in the wastebasket.

"Meredith," he sighed. He pulled her close to him and tightened his grip around her. "Don't worry," he whispered into her hair.

"Easy for you to say," she retorted.

Derek didn't respond. Instead, he released her. "Do you want to go now?" he asked. "We'll go and put your mind at ease, okay?"

She hesitated, torn between wanting to know and needing to remain oblivious.

"Okay," she agreed. "Let's go."

Derek didn't bother changing. Instead, they ventured down the block to the professional building that housed Dr. Briscombe's practice. In the waiting room, they found Paula and her children again waiting for her next appointment.

"Hi!" Aidan greeted them enthusiastically, tumbling out of his mother's arms and racing over to Derek.

"Hi, buddy," Derek greeted him. Meredith frowned and made her way over to the reception desk wordlessly.

She joined Derek back in the reception area and forced a smile on to her face when Paula smiled at her.

"I'm early," Paula said. "My appointment isn't for another half an hour, but I wasn't going to take my chances with these two and Seattle public transportation."

"Yeah," Meredith said softly.

Paula shook her head. "It was so much easier before," she said wistfully. "But then… everything was."

"Oh?" Meredith responded, not really paying much attention.

Paula made a strange, strangled noise and reached into her purse, pulling out a waded up Kleenex. "Jon… their father… he left. Poof. Just like that." She sniffled into the tissue and shook her head again. "I'm sorry. This really isn't your problem."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said softly, momentarily distracted from her own worries.

Paula shrugged. "It's okay. It's just that my family isn't here and soon I'll have three of them. I never imagined that this is where my life would be, you know?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah."

A moment later, the receptionist called Meredith's name again and Meredith smiled apologetically at Paula.

"It's okay," the mother said. "It'll just give me some more time to sit here and figure out what I'm going to do."

Meredith got to her feet and Derek followed her down the hall to the exam room. When they were alone, she paced the small space.

"Mer, stop," he urged her.

She shook her head. "It never works out, does it? Paula – she's all alone now, and something is wrong with our baby, and…"

"Stop."

"Something's wrong, Derek," she insisted. "I can feel it."

He sighed. "Meredith, you always think the worst. Look at us," he said. "You were so sure that we couldn't work out because that's not how things worked for you. You thought that you were cursed and that people around you fell victim to that curse, but here we are. We're together and we're happy and we have this baby on the way, and it's fine, Meredith. It's good. Great, even."

She shook her head. "You're so optimistic. How?"

He shrugged. "Why look for trouble that isn't there?"

The door opened and Meredith stopped pacing. Dr. Briscombe stepped into the room, and greeted them as warmly as ever.

"Why'd you ask us to come early?" Meredith blurted out.

"Meredith, why don't you take a seat?" Dr. Briscombe suggested.

Meredith turned to her husband, her eyes filled with panic.

"Mer," he said soothingly. He motioned to a seat next to his.

"Shouldn't I be changing for the ultrasound?" Meredith asked, her green eyes darkening. "They didn't bring me a gown."

"I wanted to talk to you first," Dr. Briscombe said. "I got the results of your tests back and I'm seeing something that concerns me."

Meredith reached over and gripped Derek's hand in hers, digging her nails into the palm of his hand.

"Your AFP levels are elevated," she said. "That generally means that the fetus is producing an excess amount."

"Baby," Meredith whispered.

Dr. Briscombe frowned. "I'm sorry?"

"Baby. You said fetus. Baby. Unless… unless… the fetus isn't viable."

Beside her, Derek flinched and squeezed her head before he spoke. "Mer, come on. It's the correct terminology. You know that."

"No," Meredith said, shaking her head. "No. It's my baby. It's our baby, Derek. That's how we've been referring to it since we found out. Our son, or our daughter. Our baby, Derek."

"I'd like to do your ultrasound today," Dr. Briscombe continued when Meredith had finished speaking. "I have some concerns about the development, and this should help to rule out any abnormalities. But I thought that I should be upfront with the two of you about what I'd seen on the tests." She stood. "I'll have Kelly bring you a gown," she said.

"Dr. Briscombe, can I speak to you for a moment?" Derek asked as she moved to leave the room.

She nodded mutely and he leaned over and kissed Meredith, whispering a few soothing words and promising that he'd be right back before he followed the obstetrician out into the hall.

She led him down the hall to her office and offered him a seat, but he remained standing.

"Do you think it's a neural tube defect?" he asked, point blank.

Dr. Briscombe hesitated. "Derek, I don't want to make a diagnosis until I do the ultrasound. Furthermore, technically, you are not my patient. Your wife is, as is your unborn child. It would be unethical of me to talk to you at this juncture."

"Oh, come on," he said, running his hands through his hair impatiently. "We're all professionals here. I'm going to be in the room during the ultrasound. Let's just stop dancing around this, okay?"

Dr. Briscombe sighed. "Derek, why don't you go check on Meredith? I'm sure she could use you right now. Most assuredly if she's coming to the same conclusions that you are."

She swept past him, leaving him alone in the office. Derek swallowed thickly and then made his way back to the exam room. He knocked softly and upon Meredith's answer, he re-entered the room. She was sitting on the exam table wearing just the thin cotton gown and her socks and her eyes were red-rimmed and haunted.

"Mer," he whispered.

"I told you," she said, shaking her head over and over again. "I told you."

"We don't know anything," he tried, even though his heart wasn't really in it. He pushed himself up onto the exam table beside her and drew her into his arms. She clutched at his t-shirt and buried her face against his shoulder, her breathing laboured.

A moment later, Dr. Briscombe re-entered the room.

"How are you two doing?" she asked gently.

"Just get it over," Meredith muttered. She pulled back from Derek. "Please. Just tell us."

Dr. Briscombe nodded and started preparing for the ultrasound. When she spread the gel over Meredith's abdomen, Meredith barely reacted, staring up at the ceiling blankly. Derek hovered at her side and he took her hand in his, winding their fingers together.

"Okay," Dr. Briscombe said. She moved the wand over the uterus and watched the screen intently. The 3-D picture proved to be very detailed, but a moment later, she frowned and rotated the screen away from them for a moment.

Derek stopped breathing, and Meredith, noticing this, began to cry softly.

"Okay," Dr. Briscombe said gently. "Okay."

"Doctor?" Derek choked out.

She just shook her head.

"I'd like to see it," he rasped.

She hesitated.

"I'm a fucking neurosurgeon!" he said sharply. "I want to see it for myself." Beside him, Meredith moaned and tried to sit up, struggling to escape.

"Mer," he murmured, easing her back down. "Shhh."

"No," she said. He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. You know it's not."

"Let me look," he soothed her.

"I want to…"

"Mer, let me, okay? I can do this."

She released his hand and he moved over to where Dr. Briscombe stood, frowning at the screen. He steeled himself and then his gaze swept over the scan, and he stared. Stared and stared; unbidden, he cursed.

"Derek?" Meredith urged him.

He closed his eyes, cutting off the view that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"Derek?" Meredith said again, panic rising in her voice.

He just shook his head and moved back to her side, drawing her close. She clutched him and he stood, completely immobile as the world went black.

Neither of them was sure how long they stayed like that, but eventually Dr. Briscombe's voice broke through the roar of noise in his head.

"I wanted to be sure; it's not the easiest diagnosis to make…" she trailed off.

"Anencephaly," Derek whispered, the word getting stuck in his throat. "Mer…"

"No, no, no."

"I'm so sorry," Dr. Briscombe said. She turned off the ultrasound machine and stepped back from them. "I'll give the two of you some time alone."

When she was gone, Meredith broke down completely, clutching her husband's shirt, his skin, anything that would anchor her. She trembled violently and heaved convulsively until he scooped her into his lap and held her tightly, whispering her name over and over again into her hair.

They stayed in the small exam room for what seemed like forever, until Derek's legs were numb and Meredith's sobs had died down into quiet whimpers.

"Derek," she hiccupped, looking up at him with her tear-stained face. "It's over."

He nodded silently and buried his face in her hair, needing to cry and scream and rage, but being unable and unwilling to do so when she was so fragile and devastated, he stayed where he was at.

"I can't," Meredith whispered. "I can't. Please don't ask me to."

Derek closed his eyes, trying to remember how to breathe. It should come without thinking, an automated process, but his thoughts were so zeroed in on what he'd seen on that screen that everything else was secondary.

"I know," he soothed her. "We don't have to … nothing has to be…" He couldn't bring himself to finish.

"She's going to ask," Meredith said in a broken voice. "She'll need to know."

"Not today," Derek said stubbornly.

She continued to clutch his shirt, wrinkling the fabric in her fist and when the tears died away completely, Derek was forced to shift to alleviate the numbness in his leg.

"We need to go talk to her, Mer," he said softly, terrified to set off her tears once again.

"Maybe… maybe it's wrong?" she asked hopefully, refusing to look at him. He knew, and she knew that he knew.

"No, Mer," he sighed, his throat tight with the emotion of denying what he wished were true.

"Oh, God." There was a fresh onslaught of tears and he held her until she fell silent again.

"Mer…"

"I know," she whispered. "I know. But Derek, you felt it. It moved, and how… how can it be…"

"Meredith…"

"I know." She pushed off of his lap and tried to stand, but started to crumple before him. He moved quickly, holding her up and guiding her to chair again.

"I'll go," he volunteered. "I'll let her know we're ready."

"Derek…"

"I'll be right back," he promised her. Then he left her momentarily while he spoke to the receptionist. In the lobby, Paula smiled at him, but he couldn't manage to return it. Instead, he looked down at the floor, noticing the remnants of sticky lollipops and tiny, muddy boots imprinted in the worn carpet. It undid him completely and the room started to tilt and sway and he had to reach out to the desk in front of him to keep from collapsing.

"Dr. Shepherd?" came Paula's voice. Derek shook his head violently, then pitched forward and emptied the contents of his stomach all over the carpet.

There was a lot of commotion, but he was only peripherally aware of it as he was guided to a waiting room chair and Kelly the receptionist called maintenance. She pressed a cool cloth to his forehead and found Dr. Briscombe in her office.

Eventually, he was able to move from the waiting room to her office, where she'd already guided Meredith, who sat looking tiny and worn. She worried her wedding ring, around and around her finger and when he sat beside her, she leaned into him.

He tried to absorb her warmth, at least, but found that he was unable to do so, and sat shivering while Dr. Briscombe gently spoke to them, confirming the diagnosis, grimly relating the hopeless statistics, and relating their options to them. It was futile: their baby's brain had failed to develop and its chances of survival outside the womb were non-existent.

Dr. Briscombe handed Derek a stack of leaflets. "I know it's early and you're both still in shock," she said. "But there are some very good support groups in Seattle for parents of anencephalic children. I've also given you a referral to a psychologist who deals primarily in these cases. I don't want to pressure the two of you, but when you have decided how you want to proceed, please just give Kelly a call and I'll meet with you whenever you're ready."

The words barely registered with Derek, and Meredith shrunk away further, and he knew without asking that she had shut down completely.

"If you have any questions, please ask."

Derek stared straight ahead, and then shook himself out of a stupor, clearing his throat.

"Uh, I… we …" he glanced at his wife. "How far along was the pregnancy?"

"About fifteen or sixteen weeks, I'd guess."

"Stupid!" Meredith said, the first word she'd spoken since they'd entered Dr. Briscombe's office.

Derek turned to her. "Mer?"

She shook her head. "I should have come sooner. It was stupid. Irresponsible."

"Meredith," Dr. Briscombe said gently. "Neural tube defects happen somewhere between the twenty-third and twenty-sixth day of pregnancy. There was simply no way for you to prevent this."

"Folic acid," Meredith spat. "I should have… I knew… I was stupid not to …"

"Mer," Derek said. "You didn't know. We didn't know you were pregnant. We didn't expect it to happen so soon. We weren't even really trying yet."

She closed her eyes and shook her head repeatedly.

"Folic acid can certainly help, but it's not proven to be one hundred percent effective," Dr. Briscombe said. "This is just one of those things…"

"It's not!" Meredith said, her eyes flying open. "It's not one of those fucking things. It's my thing! It's my baby! I knew. I _knew_ it, damn it. I knew."

The sound of her voice tore at Derek's heart and he reached out to her again, pulling her against him more tightly.

"What…" Meredith began before stopping. "What…"

"Meredith?"

"Were we having a boy or a girl?" she asked, her voice rising in pitch at the end.

Dr. Briscombe frowned, hesitated, and looked toward Derek for confirmation. He nodded. Either way, they had to know.

"A girl," she said softly.

"Oh," Meredith said. "Oh. Derek… you … oh, I'm so sorry." She dissolved into tears again.

Dr. Briscombe offered her condolences again and quietly left the room.

It took some time for them to be able to function enough to gather their things and leave, but finally, Derek had Meredith on her feet and he was able to move his own feet forward one at a time, through the door and out into the lobby. Paula was being led down the hall as they left and her eyes filled with tears as the couple passed. She shepherded her children ahead of her and smiled sadly at them as they followed their separate paths.

* * *

_So... that's chapter five. This is the one that I've been the most nervous about, because this is where the worst thing imaginable to expectant parents happens. I was worried about putting Meredith through hell again, because Shonda had such a penchant for doing so in season three. But what Shonda failed to do, and what I'm hoping to do, is to have Meredith and Derek go through something tragic, and do it **together**. Which is why it had to be something with their baby, because it's not a tragedy that belongs exclusively to either of them. Meredith is not on her own in this, and in the aftermath that follows, Derek is very much going to be having to come to terms with the fate of their unborn child himself. I know that some of you were waiting for the other shoe to drop, so thank you for your patience. Please continue reviewing, even if you're coming after me with pitchforks. I hope you'll stick around._


	6. Chapter 6

_So, if you're reading this, thank you for coming back after the last piece! I want to address something from the comments, which was a question somebody had about Anencephaly. I didn't feel the need to explain in depth what it was simply because Derek and Meredith are both doctors, and would understand the gravity of the diagnosis without having it explained to them. Derek, especially, would have a pretty in-depth understanding of neurological development, but for those of you who were wondering, here and elsewhere, Anencephaly is a congenital birth defect -- the lack of brain development. There is actually a very good website at _anencephalie-info (dot) org_ that does a better job of explaining it than I can. But suffice it to say, it's a devastating diagnosis. The baby will not survive._

_I apologize for leaving some of you at a loss in the last chapter, but it really didn't make sense for Derek and Meredith to have it explained, and in the end, it wasn't the specific diagnosis that was the point, but rather the journey that Meredith and Derek take after having received it. So to that end, I hope that you continue to read, and to review, both with encouragement and to ask for clarification, or even to criticize. It really helps me consider specific things about this story that I might not otherwise have considered.  
_

_ On with the story!  
_

* * *

Three days. Three days of starting to speak, only to stop for fear of setting off Meredith's tears again. Three days of watching her lay on her side, staring at nothing, her hand alternately sliding over her swollen abdomen, or clutching a shredded tissue. Three days of making excuses for her with her friends, her co-workers and his mother. 

Elizabeth had called in the evening of the day they'd found out, and he'd ignored her call then. He'd turned off the ringer and had laid next to Meredith in their bed, not speaking, just laying beside her, listening to the in and out of her breathing and the interspersed, broken sobs.

Sometime during the middle of the night, she cried herself to sleep and Derek, too, had succumbed, only to wake from terrible nightmares that somehow were still less traumatic than the waking reality.

He was amazed that his body still demanded to be fed and cleaned and clothed. He stumbled around as though he were in a dream, taking care of Meredith's needs as well as his own, although she seemed perfectly content to just stay where she was, unfed, not clean, and dressed still in the t-shirt and stretchy yoga pants she'd worn to Dr. Briscombe's office.

Three days. And with three words, they were over.

"I can't, Derek."

Her voice was raspy, both from the tears as well as the lack of use in the last seventy-two hours.

He'd just emerged from the shower, which did nothing to refresh him, but at least lifted the grimy feeling from his skin. Derek crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed, breathing heavily. He didn't need to ask to know what she was talking about.

"I want the D&C," she said anyway. "I can't, Derek. I can't. I can't give birth to her knowing that… knowing that… hours. Maybe. If we even get that. And she'll never know us. She'll never see us or hear us, or understand anything." She shook her head. "I don't know if it's wrong, or immoral, or selfish or … I just know that I can't. Please don't ask me to. Please."

Her whispered plea tore at his heart.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry, Derek. I always thought that I'd do anything for you, but if you want this, I can't. I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize," he said. He didn't turn, didn't move.

"Derek."

"Don't," he said again. He got to his feet. "I have to go in. I can't keep pushing back my surgeries. I'll call as soon as I can, okay?"

She didn't respond and he moved to the door, then stopped and turned back to find her in the exact same position, staring blankly ahead.

"I would never ask you to," he said. "Ever." He opened the door and let himself out.

* * *

Derek had every intention of going from one surgery to the next. He wanted to avoid talking to anyone other than those directly involved with his patients. He was in no shape to deal with hospital gossip, or to answer questions about Meredith and why she'd missed the last three days work. More than anything, he hoped to avoid her friends. He knew it would be impossible to stonewall Cristina, Izzie, George and Alex. They'd know immediately that something was wrong, just by looking at him. Of course, running into Bailey came a close second on the things he'd hoped to not have to deal with today. But as soon as he stepped on to the elevator, his luck ran out. 

"I hope that whatever is going around in your house isn't contagious," came Dr. Bailey's voice from behind him. On the next floor, the elevator emptied out with the exception of the two of them.

"It's not," Derek said quietly, once they were sealed off from the rest of the hospital.

"Has she seen her doctor?" Bailey wanted to know.

"Yes." He exhaled. "She… we had the ultrasound."

"Oh?"

"We're not continuing with the pregnancy," Derek said, fighting to swallow the lump in his throat.

Bailey was silent, and he almost wished she'd say something, anything, that would lessen the loudness of his hammering heart.

He cleared his throat instead. "Anencephaly," he said.

"I'm sorry, Derek," Bailey said gently.

He nodded.

"How's she holding up?"

He shook his head. "Not… good. Not good at all."

"You should be with her."

He sniffled and looked up at the illuminated numbers above the door.

"I couldn't wait to get out of there this morning," he admitted. "I've just been sitting there and thinking about it, and trying to make sure that she's okay, and trying to remember to breathe, and I just needed to be somewhere else. But now, I'm here, and I want to be with her, even if all she does is lay there and cry."

Bailey nodded. "Have you told anyone?"

He shook his head.

"I know that you needed to get away, but you're in no shape to be here."

He sighed. "I have to do something. I have to work."

Bailey frowned. "You need to grieve. You're so busy making sure that Meredith doesn't completely disintegrate that you haven't had time to mourn the loss of your child."

Derek opened his mouth, but Bailey shot him a look. "You lost a child," she says firmly. "Whether it was here yet or not."

"A girl," Derek said, his voice scratchy. "My daughter."

Bailey nodded. "Go home, Shepherd. Go be with your wife and mourn your baby girl."

* * *

Derek expected to find Meredith where he left her, so he was surprised to find that their bed was empty. He went back out onto the porch and shielded his eyes from the sun, scanning the horizon for his wife. He couldn't see her from where he stood, and so he stepped off of the porch and made his way around to the other side of the trailer. Still, Meredith was nowhere to be found. 

He swallowed the panic that rose into his throat like bile, telling himself that there was no way she'd repeat the mermaid act from last year. They'd worked so hard to recover from the ferryboat accident and Meredith's subsequent drowning that he couldn't believe she'd go there again. And yet, in the aftermath of the last three days, the whisper in the back of his mind that told him not to discount the possibility couldn't be quieted. He took off in a jog towards the lake, and then broke into a run as he got closer and the adrenalin surged through his veins.

As he neared the dock, he called her name, over and over again, but there was no response.

Derek stopped and considered the glassy surface of the lake, and he knew. He knew that Meredith wasn't here; he knew she hadn't resorted to this. He knew exactly where she was. He turned and ran just as quickly to the unfinished structure that was their dream home. The builders had promised to finish the house before summer was finished. They wanted time to decorate their baby's room, Derek had explained. They wanted time to turn their house into a home for their family.

The front door had only recently been fitted with a double set of locks, but as soon as Derek tried the door handle, the door yielded to him and he stepped over the threshold and closed it behind him. Quietly, he made his way upstairs, to the room nearest the master bedroom at the back of the hall. He stood in the doorway, barely cognizant of the newly taped and mudded drywall; he only saw Meredith, sitting in the far corner, her knees drawn up and her arms wrapped around them. She sat shivering, her dirty blonde hair cascading around her face.

He didn't speak. He just hovered in the doorway, watching her. Finally, she seemed to become aware of his presence, and looked up. Her face was tear-streaked and her eyes were rimmed with red. Dark, hollow circles marked the space beneath, and she wiped at her eyes with the backs of her hands, sniffling pathetically.

"I had a whole theme figured out," she said. "I wasn't going to do some lame Disney princess thing. Your mom actually suggested it; she said that she had this book full of nursery rhymes and stories... _Jack and the Beanstalk_, that sort of thing... Tyler… you know, from work? He paints, and he's really very good. Anyway, he agreed to come and do a mural on that big wall, and it was going to be a surprise for you. I even bought a rocking chair, for when we got up during the night with her. I found it when your mom and I found the crib."

"Mer…"

She shook her head. "I thought that you had surgery."

"I did."

"But you're here."

"But I'm here," he confirmed. He moved cautiously inside the room, crossing the small space to where she sat, huddled on the floor.

"Bailey… Bailey knows."

Meredith cringed. And then she nodded. "Oh."

"I guess I didn't do such a great job of holding it together there," Derek said softly.

"Is that what you're doing?" she asked him after a moment of silence. "Are you just holding it together here?"

He stared at her incredulously. "What do you think I've been doing, Meredith?"

She shrugged.

"Did you…. Did you think that I don't care?" he choked out.

"What?" she asked. Her gaze swung to him and then away. "No, Derek."

"Look at me," he requested. When she didn't comply, he demanded it. "Meredith. Look at me."

Guiltily, she raised her eyes to his.

"Do you think that I'm fine? Do you think that I'm not dying inside?"

"I don't know," she answered, a little defiantly. "I just know that something is dying, Derek. Something is dying inside me."

He squatted on the floor next to her.

"Meredith…"

"I've called Dr. Briscombe to schedule it," she said. "It's going to be Thursday afternoon, if you want to be there."

He stared at her. "If I… Meredith? If I want to be there?"

"I don't want to be," she said flatly. "Why should you?"

He didn't answer.

"I'd rather that you weren't," she said a moment later. His heart shattered.

"It's… she's mine, too."

"I'll be fine," she assured him. "Cristina will come with me."

Derek sprang to his feet and paced the room, trying to figure out what was going on: why was she so intent on shutting him out?

As if reading his thoughts, she answered his question for him.

"I don't want you there. I can't handle it, Derek. I know that you want me to go through with it. I know you want that moment, even if it's just to say goodbye. I can see it in your eyes. You're giving that up because I asked you to. I can't stand it, Derek. I can't stand the thought of looking at you while it's happening, knowing that I wasn't strong enough to give this to you."

"Meredith…" He felt completely helpless. "This is it. This is our child. I need to be there. Don't you understand? This is how we say goodbye."

She moaned and when she spoke again, her voice was distorted by her hyperventilating breaths. "I. Did. This. I. Broke. Her."

He dropped to his knees before her. "Mer, Mer, Mer. No! You didn't. I didn't, either. It just happened."

"No," she said, shaking her head repeatedly so quickly that he thought she might get whiplash. "No, Derek. I did."

His tears fell in earnest now, the carefully constructed barrier giving way to the onslaught.

"No, Mer," he whispered, his voice hoarse. "You didn't do anything wrong. You loved her from the very beginning."

"So?" she asked defiantly. "What the hell good is it? Huh? Everything is gone. It's done. Over. And I can't… we can't go back. I can't be here."

"Where?" he asked, choking back the tears.

"Here!" she exclaimed, motioning wildly around them. "This place… we were going to raise her here. This was going to be our home."

"It still can be," he tried, knowing in his heart that it could never be what they'd imagined it to be. Not in the same way.

"No, it can't," Meredith said. She took a shuddering breath, as he dropped his head into his hands, and then she steeled herself for what was to follow.

"Cristina is coming," she said. "She'll be here any minute now. I have to go."

Derek's head snapped up and he stared wordlessly at her.

"I need to go," Meredith repeated.

"Where?" he demanded.

"Somewhere else."

Derek released a frustrated breath. "Meredith, come on," he pleaded. "Let's go, okay? It's this house; we can't be here right now."

She shook her head. "No, it's not the house," she said quietly. "It's everything. It's the house, it's the land, and it's …"

"Me," he supplied, his heart breaking.

"It's me, too," she said. "It's us." She struggled to her feet and Derek did the same. They stood face-to-face, close enough to touch, but with their hands stubbornly at their sides. "I need to go."

Derek felt as though a feather might knock him over. When had she made all of these arrangements? When he'd left her, just a few hours earlier, she'd been immobile – almost catatonic in her grief. How had this happened?

"You told Cristina?" he asked.

"No. I just asked her to come."

"Were you planning on telling her when she gets here?" he asked bitterly, and at the look that crossed her face, he immediately regretted his words. Despite his mounting frustration and hurt, his first concern was her; it was always her.

She pushed past him and left the bedroom and he could hear her footsteps falling away as she moved to leave the house. He followed quickly and caught up with her as she hurried across the leaf-strewn ground toward the trailer.

He reached it moments after she did and found her inside, gathering clothing out of their dresser and stuffing it into a duffel bag at the foot of the bed.

"Meredith," he panted, standing in the doorway.

"I'm sorry," she kept saying.

"Just stay with me," he said. He blocked the door with his body and when she tried to move past him, he didn't let her pass. "Meredith, I know. I know. But we need to stay together. We need to be here for each other."

She closed her eyes. "Derek, please. I just need some time. I need to be away from here. I need to not wake up and know that the life that I didn't even know that I wanted this desperately was right over the hill. I need to not lie next to you and feel like I'm taking away the one thing that you want more than anything. Please let me go, Derek. Please."

"Mer?" Cristina's voice rang out and Meredith sniffled and pushed forward.

"Please, Derek," she said again in a whisper. "Please don't make this any harder than it is. Please."

He stepped aside.

From the doorway, he watched as Meredith made her way over to Cristina and the two women conferred for a moment. He noted that Cristina had brought Izzie's car instead of her bike, and breathed a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived. He couldn't believe that he was standing there watching Meredith leave him. Meredith made her way around to the passenger side of the car and got in, avoiding Derek's eyes and instead, turning to stare out the window. Derek expected Cristina to get in and drive away but instead, she approached him and mounted the stairs of the trailer.

"I'm taking her to the townhouse," she told him. "Just so you know."

"It's not right," he said.

Cristina frowned. "Just let her be, okay? We won't let anything happen to her."

He laughed bitterly at this; as though anything could be worse than what had already happened?

"I'm sorry," Cristina said as she turned to leave.

He watched as she got in the car, and started it. She backed away, turned and was gone. Derek stayed in the doorway for a long time afterward, looking out at the horizon, straining to hear the sound of the car returning, bringing her home to him. He needed her, and he wondered if she realized that. As much as she needed to escape the memories by leaving this place, he needed her there to hold on to them.

* * *

  
He moved as though treading water for the remainder of the day. He was on autopilot. Eat, do the dishes, take a shower, shave. It was still early evening and he was already drained, so when his personal cell phone rang at eight, he almost left it, but then considered that it might be Meredith. He picked up without checking the display and was greeted by his mother's voice. 

"You're avoiding me again," she said by way of greeting.

"No." His voice was flat.

"Derek?" his mom questioned him. "What's going on? I've been trying to get a hold of both of you for days. Is everything okay?"

He sighed. He didn't have the energy to lie, but he didn't know if he had the energy to tell the truth either.

"Where's Meredith?" Elizabeth asked. "Let me talk to her if you're not going to talk to me."

"I can't."

"Why not? Is she at work?"

"No, Mom. She's not at work."

"Derek? Is it the baby?"

He exhaled a ragged breath and felt his legs give way beneath him as he collapsed on the edge of the bed.

"There is no baby," he managed, his throat clogged with tears.

There was a protracted silence as his mother took in his words. Then: "Derek?"

"Mom," he sighed, anguish coming out of every pore. "Mom…"

"Derek, what is it?"

"She won't live." His voice broke and he sobbed openly. "Mom. She… she won't… the baby. Our baby girl. It's a girl, but she won't…"

"Derek, Derek. What in the world? Slow down. Breathe."

It took him several minutes to regain his composure and when he fell silent, Elizabeth spoke again. "I can be on the next flight."

"No."

"Derek…"

"There's nothing you can do," he said, hanging his head dejectedly. He shared the diagnosis with Elizabeth and he closed his eyes and tried not to hear the tears in her voice.

"Oh, Derek. I'm so sorry, darling."

"I know," he said miserably.

"How is Meredith doing?" she asked gently.

"She's gone."

"Gone?" Elizabeth repeated in confusion.

"Gone," Derek confirmed. "She said that she couldn't be here. She said it was too much. I just let her go. I let her go. I didn't know what else to do. I don't know what to do for her."

"Where is she?" Elizabeth asked.

"It doesn't matter," Derek said with a sigh.

"Of course it matters, Derek," Elizabeth told him. "Where is your wife?"

"She's with her friends. She needs them."

"She needs her husband," Elizabeth contradicted him.

"Mom…"

"Derek!"

He fought to restrain himself and after a moment of silence, Elizabeth spoke again. "Meredith is your wife. This is your baby, too."

"I know that."

"Do you?" she asked him. "Does Meredith?"

He managed to hold himself back for a few more minutes while Elizabeth spoke, insisting that he be involved; not doing so, Elizabeth insisted, would be something he regretted for the rest of his life. Finally, he made some vague promise to Elizabeth that he wouldn't give up on trying to reach Meredith, and that he'd call if he changed his mind about Elizabeth coming to Seattle, and then he hung up. Left in silence once again, Derek considered pouring himself a scotch or ten and collapsing in bed. Instead, he picked his car keys up off the table and walked out the door.

* * *

The windows of the townhouse were ablaze with light and Derek parked behind Alex's beat-up old car and climbed out of his BMW. Izzie answered the door and her mouth formed a circle of surprise when she opened it to him, standing in the rain on the porch.

He pushed inside without being invited.

"Where is she?" he demanded.

"Derek, I think that she needs some time alone," Izzie said gently.

"No, she doesn't." He walked into the living room and three heads turned to him. George, Alex and Cristina were sprawled out on various pieces of furniture, drinking and talking.

"Where is she?" he asked again.

"Right here."

He turned at the sound of Meredith's voice behind him and found her standing there, clutching a bottle of tequila in one hand.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She shrugged. "Drinking. Want some?"

"Meredith," he started.

Her eyes flashed. "What?" she asked. "It doesn't matter, Derek. I can't do any more damage than has already been done, can I? In two days, it'll all be over anyway. It doesn't matter."

"It does," he insisted, reaching for the bottle.

She clutched it more tightly and pulled it out of his reach.

"Either you drink with us, or you can go."

"Meredith…" he sighed.

"Don't make me feel guilty about this, Derek. I don't do anything but _think_."

"What the hell do you think I'm doing?" he exploded. "This isn't the way to deal with it, Mer."

"Don't tell me how to deal with it!" she retorted, her own voice growing louder. The friends exchanged looks and Alex cleared his throat conspicuously. "I know I'm not doing it the way that you are, but this is how I'm dealing with it. I'm trying so hard, Derek." Her voice broke and he was certain that she would dissolve into tears again, but she remained stoic.

"I know," he said softly after a minute.

"I need to be here," she insisted. "And I need you to go."

He nodded, sagging in defeat.

"I just needed to tell you that my mom called, and I told her. I wanted you to know in case she catches you off-guard."

Meredith blinked. "Oh," she said softly. She nodded. "Okay. Thank you."

"Yeah," Derek said. "Okay. Listen, if you change your mind, call me. I'll come. Whenever."

"It's fine," she assured him. "I just need this, Derek. I'm sorry."

"I know," he said. "Me too." He turned to go, but stopped before he reached the door.

"Meredith?"

"Yeah?"

"Thursday?"

She went deathly pale and closed her eyes. "Yeah," she whispered.

"I'm going to be there. Don't argue with me. I need to be there, Mer."

"Okay," she said.

He nodded and let himself out.

* * *

_I know that a lot of you aren't going to be happy with where I left things at the end of this chapter. Some of you will feel that Derek is letting Meredith off the hook too easily, and that he's been emasculated in some way. And I know that Meredith's behaviour isn't going to be any easier to understand. I really feel that it was necessary to take a step or two back in order to move them forward, however. _

_This -- the turning to her friends -- is her modus operandi. This is what Meredith does when she's feeling overwhelmed. Yes, she took vows and Derek is her partner. He's her husband, and he's the person who she should be turning to while they both deal with this tragedy in their lives. However, Derek is intimately involved, and Meredith has her reasons for running from him, which will become clearer as the story goes along. One of them is that she was carrying this child, and she feels no small amount of guilt over their loss. But also, she's barely able to handle her own grief, much less Derek's. It's not fair for her to turn him away, but she's reacting. She's still learning how to open herself up, and then this happens, and it knocks her back, and she reverts to old behaviours that she's been relying on for her entire life. It's going to take her some time.  
_

_As for Derek, he didn't handle things very well, either. He let her stay, and then he enabled her behaviour by telling her that he would be there if she decided to call him. She gets to have her cake and eat it, too. But he's genuinely concerned for her, and if she says this is what she needs, he doesn't have the heart to deny her. I'm not sure if that makes him weak or if it makes him human.  
_

_In short, they both need to stop dealing the way that they are, and learn something new. I don't think it's fair to expect them to suddenly know how to communicate and to trust each other and rely on each other just because they've taken vows. They were just words, then. Now is the test... and it's not over just because they made some mistakes in the immediate aftermath._


	7. Chapter 7

_I just wanted to say thanks for all of the reviews for the last chapter. They opened up some discussion about how Meredith dealt with learning that their baby is not viable, and had me considering some things that are coming up. I stand by Meredith's reaction, though. She's not perfect, not by any means. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love Derek, and it doesn't mean that she's not thinking about him in all of this. Far from it. So, in a nutshell: please keep the reviews coming!_

* * *

Derek spent the first night alone in the trailer getting drunk. He couldn't stay at the house to get shitfaced, but alone, he was free to drown his sorrows without feeling like he was letting Meredith down somehow.

There was a half bottle of scotch at the back of the cupboard above the stove, behind a box of baking soda and a can of cooking spray. He took it down, and considered drinking straight from the bottle, but in the end, even in his grief, a sense of propriety overwhelmed him and he pulled out a heavy crystal tumbler – a wedding gift from the Chief and Adele – from the opposite cupboard and sat down at the table to pour himself drink after drink.

When he was good and drunk, he stumbled over to the bathroom, his pants falling around his ankles as he relieved himself and then hung over the small pedestal sink, heaving over and over again, without the benefit of emptying his stomach. When the heaving stopped, he pulled himself up to his full height, but turned away from the mirror, knowing without looking that his eyes were bloodshot, with heavy black circles beneath. His skin was pale and unshaven and his hair stuck out at odd angles from his head. In short: he looked like death.

Which was appropriate, under the circumstances, he mused morbidly, managing to pull his pants back up and fasten them before he stumbled back to the table for more scotch. A drop clung to the bottom of the bottle and he frowned at it, wondering how he'd managed to drain the bottle without noticing. He got up and searched haphazardly through the cabinets for more alcohol, but came up empty-handed. And he wasn't drunk enough. Not nearly.

Growling in frustration, Derek considered his options. He wasn't in the state of inebriation that he'd like, but he was still far too drunk to get behind the wheel, so leaving the property in search of more scotch wasn't an option. Walking anywhere from here was impossible, and he couldn't ask Meredith to pick up another bottle on her way home. As far as he knew, she wasn't coming home; at least not in the foreseeable future.

That left one option: if Mohammed couldn't go to the mountain…

Derek staggered over to the nightstand where he'd dropped his cell phone, Sidekick, and pager when he'd come in. He picked up the cell phone and stared bleary-eyed at the screen, fumbling with the impossibly tiny keys, scrolling through the phone book until he reached a number that Meredith had entered in it, despite his argument that he'd never call it. She'd had faith, telling him that if he could get over her giving up and ceasing to swim, he could get over anything; he could get past any other betrayal.

Without giving himself a chance to talk himself out of it, Derek punched the number into the keys, and held the tiny phone up to his ear. A moment later, he was greeted by Mark's rich timbre.

"Yeah?" Mark said, obviously not bothering to check the call display.

"You owe me," Derek said.

"Derek?"

"Yeah, it's me," he said, slurring the words together.

"I owe you," Mark repeated.

"Yes. I need a drink."

"It sounds like you've already had a few," Mark remarked.

"So? Shouldn't I have a drink?"

In the background, somebody asked Mark a question and Derek could hear him reply in a short, clipped tone before he returned his attention to the phone call.

"Where are you?" Mark asked.

"Home." Derek laughed hysterically at this. Home.

Home is where the heart is. His heart was broken. His heart had a broken brain. His heart was getting reacquainted with Jose Cuervo on the living room floor of her mother's house surrounded by people she thought were better equipped to handle her grief than the one person in the world who felt it as strongly as she did.

There was a lasting silence, and then:

"Stay there."

Derek laughed again. "Bring scotch," he said, flipping his phone closed before he got a reply.

It took some time for Mark to get out to Derek and Meredith's property, and he parked haphazardly behind Derek's BMW, pointed his key chain at his car to lock and set the alarm even though he was in the middle of nowhere, and took the steps up to the trailer two at a time.

Mark didn't bother knocking on the trailer door, letting himself in to find Derek sprawled out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. At the sound of his entrance, Derek lifted his head.

"Scotch?" he asked.

Mark frowned. "You look like shit," he said bluntly.

"Yeah," Derek agreed. "Scotch?" he said again.

Mark lifted his left hand, revealing a paper bag clutched in it.

Derek struggled to his feet and took it from Mark. "Thanks," he muttered, crossing the room to where his glass sat, waiting.

"What, I drive all the way out here and you're not even going to offer me a drink?" Mark asks, turning to watch Derek pry the lid off the bottle and slosh some into the glass.

Derek frowned.

"You can't sit here and drink alone," Mark told him. "That's just fucking pathetic, man."

"Yeah, well," Derek said. "I'm pathetic."

Mark shook his head and started opening cabinets. He finally located the one that held the glasses and pulled his own down, then sat across from Derek and poured his own drink.

Derek raised his glass in a salute. "To dead babies."

Mark shook his head again. "Jesus, Derek."

"What, didn't you hear?" Derek snarled. It was easy to take it out on Mark. Mark, who had turned his world upside down and who'd never once expressed regret about decimating his lifelong friendship. Mark. His former best friend.

"I heard," Mark said quietly. He took a sip of his scotch and regarded Derek from across the table.

"So, the whole hospital knows now?" Derek asked bitterly.

"No. Meredith's friends know."

"You're not Meredith's friend."

Mark sighed. "Derek, I'm sorry. I know how much the two of you wanted this baby."

"Do you?" Derek snapped. "How in the hell would you know that?"

"I know you," Mark said, his eyes burning into Derek's. "I've known you since you were six years old. I saw how differently you were carrying yourself, how you looked at Meredith, how fucking proud you were. I know you."

Derek stared at Mark. Stared.

And then his shoulders hunched forward and he grasped at the tabletop. He trembled as though he were possessed, as though there was a fault-line running through him, breaking him in two. Suddenly, he was sobbing; he cried so hard that his entire body ached with it, his vision went blurry and then non-existent; he gulped large mouthfuls of air into his lungs and they burned with the effort of respiration. He cried so hard that he was choking on his tears and they fell onto the smooth surface of the table.

Mark sat across from him without comment, not a sound emerging from his mouth. When Derek finally composed himself, Mark reached for Derek's empty glass, refilling it and pushing it towards him without a word. Derek wrapped his hands around the tumbler and brought it to his lips, gulping it gratefully.

"What in the hell are you doing, Derek?" Mark asked him after several minutes of silence.

Derek blinked, his eyelids feeling like sandpaper scratching the surface of his eyeballs. Blink, scratch, blink, scratch.

"What?" he rasped.

"Where's your wife?"

Derek shook his head. "She doesn't want me."

Mark rolled his eyes. "You didn't learn a damn thing, did you?"

Derek's mouth fell open, but he didn't speak. He barely reacted at all, the alcohol numbing him.

"She wants you," Mark told him. "And more than that, she needs you. Just like Addison needed you, until she gave up and started just needing someone."

Derek twitched. "Mer wouldn't do that."

"Neither would have Addison," Mark said. He shrugged. "Look, Derek. I'm sorry that the two of you are going through this. Despite what you might think, you're still my brother. You're my family. And Meredith is a hell of a woman. She was my first friend here, and she might still be my only real friend here."

"Stay away from her," Derek warned his former best friend.

Mark shook his head. "You're drunk, so I'll give you a pass on the fact that you're not listening to a word that I'm saying."

"I'm listening!" Derek protested.

"Okay, then. If you remember nothing else tomorrow morning, remember this: she needs you. And you sure as hell need her."

Derek didn't respond. He just slumped forward on the table again, and closed his eyes.

Mark waited for a few minutes, then got up and poured the rest of the bottle down the drain, put the glasses in the sink, and managed to move Derek over to the bed, where he collapsed in a heap. Mark turned out the lights, picked up his car keys and left Derek to an almost comatose sleep, fuelled by scotch and misery.

* * *

Meredith woke in her old bed and stared up at the ceiling, watching a housefly crawl across the stipple. Her mouth was dry and her tongue coated, and she groaned as her pounding head reminded her of how she'd spent the previous evening. Of course, remembering that brought everything else back as well, and she turned her head to bury her face in her pillow. The slight motion unsettled her enough that a second later, she was pushing off the covers and stumbling towards the adjoining bathroom, falling to her knees in front of the toilet and retching uncomfortably.

A few minutes later, spent, she laid her head against the cool porcelain of the toilet and closed her eyes. Her forehead was damp, strands of hair clinging to it, but Meredith didn't brush them away. Instead, she lay perfectly still, and listened to the house come to life. From across the hall, she could hear Izzie's bedroom door open, followed by shuffling footsteps as her former roommate made her way across the hall to the main bathroom. The door closed with a dull thud, and there was the faint sound of Izzie doing her own retching. Somehow, Meredith was comforted in the knowledge that she wasn't the only one in poor condition this morning.

This thought led her to another: Derek's condition. Meredith breathed shallowly, trying not to think about the condition she'd left her husband in when she'd all but exiled him from her mother's house. She tried not to think of how he was dealing with any of it, knowing that he was hurting just as much as she was. She felt completely incapable of comforting him, being that she was floundering herself. It would take a gargantuan effort just to lift herself off the floor.

Eventually, she did just that, standing and swaying for a moment before she felt settled enough to consider going back to bed. But the nasty feeling in her mouth bothered her enough that she found herself opening the medicine cabinet, trying to ignore her reflection – pasty, pale, with dark circles beneath her pale green eyes. Meredith squeezed some toothpaste onto an extra toothbrush she found in the cabinet drawer and brushed her teeth methodically, spitting the excess paste into the basin, and then rinsing her mouth with water. The cleanliness of her mouth prompted her to notice that her hair felt heavy with accumulated product and oiliness. It was bad enough that she found herself turning on the shower and stripping out of the clothes that she'd been wearing for too many days, leaving them in a soiled heap in the middle of the floor. She stepped beneath the spray, letting it rain down on her: tiny, relentless drops of water that beat against her skin and wash away the grime. She stayed in the shower until the water started to run cold and then twisted the hot and cold water taps off simultaneously and stepped out of the shower. There were no towels in the bathroom; nobody expected an overnight guest, so Meredith shuffled into the bedroom naked and found in the closet a ratty old bathrobe Derek had left behind when she'd moved out. Derek's cologne still clung to the fabric and she inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, all of a sudden missing her husband desperately. Still, stubborn and unprepared to deal with his grief on top of her own, she ignored the pangs and instead climbed back into bed, burying herself in the bedding. Her wet hair soaked the pillow under her head, but she ignored this too, telling herself to sleep. Sleep would obliterate all the thoughts that she had to work at to keep at bay.

Eventually, she did drift off, only to be woken minutes later by the ringing of her cell phone, which lay on the nightstand even though she didn't remember placing it there. She tried to ignore it, but it rang insistently and she fumbled for it, her eyes straining to make sense of the numbers. It was a number that she didn't recognize, but the area code told her that it was from out of state. New York, somewhere, she thought, and realized with sudden terror that it was Derek's mom.

She couldn't talk to Elizabeth, she thought, nearly dropping the phone as though it was going to explode in her hand. It stopped ringing and the screen showed that she had a message waiting. Meredith dropped the phone back on to the nightstand after turning the ringer off, and closed her eyes again.

* * *

In the last year, Meredith has survived the death of her mother and her stepmother, the estrangement of her father, her own brush with death, and too much relationship drama to list. None of it was a bigger test of her strength than Thursday morning, when she declined each of her friends' offers in turn to accompany her to her appointment, if only to drive her there and wait until Derek arrived at her side. She ended up driving herself, something she wasn't sure she'd be capable of. But the task required her attention and momentarily kept her mind off of why she was headed to this particular destination in the first place. She parked in the lot and spotted Derek's BMW already parked and abandoned. Pushing down the sick feeling in her stomach, the panic that makes her feel light-headed, Meredith entered the lobby and pushed the elevator button. She stood waiting for it, and when it arrived, she couldn't push herself forward to get onto it, knowing that within minutes, her pregnancy would be over, her child gone. 

The elevator doors closed without her on board and after a minute of standing there, staring blankly at the closed doors, she was startled when someone reached around her to push the button again.

Meredith turned and found herself looking at a girl of no more than nineteen, her abdomen heavily swollen. She was carrying another child and she smiled at Meredith.

"Sorry," she said apologetically. "They made me drink all this water, and I'm kind of anxious to get up there and get the test done so that I can pee." She laughed self-consciously and tugged at her t-shirt, pulling it down over her straining belly.

Meredith nodded without comment, feeling anxious and annoyed that this girl who was barely out of high school was already pregnant with her second child while Meredith was losing her first. The elevator arrived again, and the girl stepped on to it, while Meredith hesitated once again on the other side. The girl tilted her head and smiled, looking inquisitively at Meredith.

"Are you going up?" she asked after a moment.

"Oh," Meredith said. "Yeah, yes." She stepped on board, and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

"What floor?" The girl asked.

"Three," Meredith said, even though she'd rather go to any other floor, or back home to pull the covers over her head and shut the world out.

The girl gave her a smile. "Me too."

They rode in silence and when the elevator stopped on three, they got off and Meredith followed the girl down the hall to the reception area. Once inside, she spotted Derek. He sat with his head in his hands and when he looked up, she noted his unkempt appearance, so out of character for her husband. He got to his feet and made his way over to her, but she shrunk away from him, shaking her head almost imperceptibly as she walked over to the reception desk just in time to hear the girl from the elevator announce herself as Jamie. The nurse behind the desk smiled and asked Jamie to have a seat, and then turned to Meredith.

"Hello," she said.

"Hi," Meredith said. "I'm, uh, Meredith Grey… Shepherd. It's under Shepherd."

The nurse nodded, and then consulted the doctor's list. "Right," she said. "Go ahead and take a seat.

Meredith turned and looked around, knowing that she should go sit next to her husband. Instead, she turned back and asked where the washroom was. "Right down the hall, first door on your left," the nurse replied.

Meredith thanked her and then mouthed "bathroom" at Derek before she fled. Alone in the bathroom, she shut herself in a stall and sat there for as long as she could before she knew that time had run out. She returned to the waiting area moments before her name was called. When Derek got up to follow her, she turned to him, her eyes pleading, but he would not be swayed. He took her hand and did not let her pull it away as they walked together down the hall toward the room at the end.

* * *

They left her car in the lot afterwards, Meredith reluctantly admitting that she was in no shape to drive herself home. But she insisted that he take her back to the house, and not out to the trailer. He didn't argue and she was grateful to him for it. Nobody was home when they arrived, and Meredith was just as grateful for that. He helped her upstairs to bed, and then went back down to the kitchen to make her some tea even though she didn't want any. When he returned, she laid facing away from him and he sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her back through the thin cotton of her t-shirt.

"Mer," he whispered. "Do you want me to stay?"

_Yes,_ she thought. _I want you, but I need ..._

She shook her head no and he pulled his hand away from her, stung by her rejection.

"Okay," he said after a moment. "Okay."

She twisted towards him but kept her eyes at a point over his shoulder.

"Derek…"

"I'll wait downstairs until somebody comes home."

"I'm... I..."

_Just for a little while_.

"I know," he said. A part of him wanted to tell her that he didn't really care if she needed to be alone; this was his child, too. Not only that, but he loved her. He wanted to be there for her as much as he needed to be there for himself. But he was afraid to push her; she looked like she was barely hanging on and he didn't want to push her over the edge. So he backed off, even though every fibre of his being told him to stay.

He leaned over the bed and brushed her forehead with his lips, feeling the warmth of her skin beneath them, the only thing that reassured him that she was still alive beneath the weight of her grief.

He left the room quietly, went downstairs, and sat on the living room couch, facing the black television screen. He wasn't sure how long he sat like that before the front door opened and Alex walked through.

"Oh," he said in surprise, dropping his keys on the table.

Derek scrubbed at his face with the palms of his hands. "She's upstairs," he said to Alex. He got to his feet and pried his car keys out of the pocket of his jeans.

"You're going?" Alex asked in confusion.

"Dr. Briscombe wrote her a script for some sedatives, if she needs them," Derek told Alex. "If she can't sleep."

Alex nodded. "Okay." He shifted awkwardly on his feet. "Are you…?"

"Fine," Derek said. "I'm fine."

* * *

"Mer?" came Izzie's whispered voice some time that evening. She'd come into the bedroom uninvited and was hovering over Meredith, trying to determine if she was asleep.

Meredith sighed and Izzie extended her hand forward, putting the cordless into Meredith's hand. "You have a call. I tried telling her that you're not feeling well, but she said that if you don't take it, she'll come here herself and talk to you."

Meredith frowned, and reluctantly put the receiver to her ear, expecting Cristina's voice on the other end of the line.

"It's over," she said into the phone. "It's done."

"Oh, Meredith," came Elizabeth's voice, tinged with sorrow.

Meredith inhaled sharply. "Oh," she said. "I, uh, I have to…Izzie!" she whispered pleadingly, thrusting the phone towards her. Izzie stepped back, shaking her blonde head, her eyes wide.

Meredith sighed and brought the phone back to her ear.

"Meredith," Elizabeth was saying. "I know that you don't want to talk to me right now. I know, dear. So you don't have to talk. You don't need to say anything, or tell me how you're coping. But I do need you to listen. Can you do that?"

Meredith didn't reply, so Elizabeth took that as a yes and continued speaking.

"I think you need to get out of Seattle for a while. I'm worried about both of you. Derek is devastated. He has no family there, aside from you and the two of you need to be together, not running off to lick your wounds in private. I know that you're in unimaginable pain right now. There's nothing in the world that anyone can say or do that will relieve the pain of your loss. But Meredith, you stand to lose more than your child. I know that you don't want to hear this right now, but please know that I'm not saying this to make things more difficult. You and Derek will lose each other if you aren't able to find a way to grieve together."

Meredith's eyes darted over to Izzie, who still hovered in the doorway. She cleared her throat and placed her hand over the receiver.

"Iz," she said. "It's okay."

Izzie frowned and nodded, then stepped out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Meredith took her hand away from the phone.

"It's too much," she admitted to Elizabeth, her voice come out strangled after days of minimal use. "I can't… he's… I can barely…"

"I know, dear," Elizabeth said gently. "You don't have to. Not alone. Come out here," she invited her daughter-in-law. "Both of you. Come stay with me."

"Oh," Meredith said. "I don't… I don't know. I don't think…"

"It'll just be the three of us," Elizabeth assured her. "I won't let any of my daughters know that you're coming. Nancy and her husband are away in Nantucket anyway, and Kathleen will be off at a conference. All of Derek's sisters are busy at this time of year, with their children and their jobs. You won't be bothered."

"I don't know," Meredith said again.

"You'll have peace and quiet," Elizabeth promised her. "A change of scenery will do you good. You need time to heal, Meredith. Both of you do."

"I'll think about it," Meredith finally said, if only for the sake of placating Elizabeth and giving herself a reprieve from the prodding.

"Nonsense," Elizabeth said decisively. "You'll come."

"Have you talked to Derek about this?" Meredith asked, sitting up in bed and pinching the bridge of her nose to keep herself from bursting into tears yet again.

"I haven't been able to get a hold of him," Elizabeth admitted. "I'm worried about him. I'm worried about both of you."

"Even if I agree, that doesn't mean that he will," Meredith told her. "That doesn't mean that I'm saying yes," she added.

"Meredith," Elizabeth said calmly. "Don't you know by now that Derek would follow you to the ends of the earth?"

Meredith didn't speak for several moments. Then she exhaled and blinked away the tears that had come without warning.

"Maybe," she said, in response to the invitation.

"I'll book your flight," Elizabeth said. She quickly said goodbye and hung up before Meredith had a chance to argue.


	8. Chapter 8

Derek made the final turn onto his mother's street in the Park Slope neighbourhood of Brooklyn, and glanced over at Meredith, who sat turned toward the passenger side window, silently observing the sleepy street.

"We're here," he told her quietly, pulling up to park at the curb beside a tree. Meredith turned towards him and looked up at the brownstones that lined the street.

"Which one is it?" she asked, and Derek pointed to one just ahead. Meredith nodded, looking up at the property. She reached for her door handle and opened the door, then got out of the rental car without waiting for him to do the same. She waited for him while he unloaded their luggage, and she picked up her own duffle bag to carry it up the wide stone steps.

She hovered behind Derek as he pressed the doorbell and stood waiting, straining to hear his mother's approaching footsteps. After several long moments, the door swung open and there was Elizabeth, smiling warmly at them and ushering them inside. She hugged Derek first, tightly, before turning her attention to Meredith, who stood shifting from foot to foot in the entranceway.

"Meredith," Elizabeth said, wrapping her arms around her daughter-in-law and pulling her close. "I'm so happy that you're here. Come in; let's get you settled."

Meredith's gaze swept through the immaculately furnished living room and Elizabeth pointed towards the stairs. "Derek, go ahead and put everything in the guest room." He nodded obediently and disappeared up the stairs.

"How are you doing, dear?" Elizabeth asked Meredith gently, reaching out to take one her hands, and squeezing it consolingly. "How was your flight?"

Meredith shrugged. "Long," she admitted, thinking of the hours she'd spent next to Derek on a crowded flight, trying to avoid conversing with him. They'd rented a car and had driven in the same awkward silence, and she didn't see it coming to an end any time soon.

Elizabeth nodded. "Well, I'd imagine you're starving. Airplane food is wretched." She wrinkled her nose. "Dinner will still be at least an hour, unfortunately. If you'd like to shower, I've put some fresh towels out in the bathroom next to the guest room."

Derek reappeared in the living room then, looking drained and morose.

"Derek, I was just telling Meredith that there are fresh towels out if you'd like to shower. Or maybe you'd like to take a nap before dinner?" she asked, looking between the two of them. "There's an extra quilt in the linen closet if you'd like."

"I'm fine," Derek said shortly, crossing the room to an old roll-top desk that sat near a window.

"Well, then you can help me with dinner while Meredith relaxes," she said brightly.

"Oh, I…" Meredith started. She thought of how nice it would be to escape to take a shower, however, and it pulled at her invitingly. "Maybe I will go take a shower," she murmured.

"Okay, dear," Elizabeth smiled.

Meredith stood and ran her fingers through her hair. "Okay, um, so…" She nodded and then turned and fled.

Derek sighed. "What are you making for dinner?" he asked his mom, a wonder smell assailing his nostrils, but not easily identifiable.

"Roast pork, baby potatoes, a green salad, and a lemon soufflé for dessert," his mom answered, her gaze not straying from where Meredith had last been. "I need you to help with the gravy," she told him. "And the salad."

Derek nodded and turned to enter the kitchen.

"I'll be right there, Derek," his mom called after him. "I just forgot to tell Meredith about the hot water tap." She followed Meredith upstairs, leaving Derek to his own devices in the kitchen.

Upstairs, she found Meredith standing in the doorway to the guest room, looking uncertainly at the double bed.

"I know it isn't large," Elizabeth said, coming up behind her. "But I'm sure the two of you will manage."

Meredith turned, looking flustered. "Oh!" she said in surprise. "I'm sorry. It's just …" she shook her head. "It's fine."

Elizabeth frowned. "Meredith, I know that things between you and Derek have been strained, but I have every reason to believe that you'll get through it. This too shall pass," she smiled kindly.

Meredith hesitated and then nodded. "Yeah," she agreed, but it didn't sound as though her heart was in it. She cleared her throat. "So, um, I was just wondering where Derek put the suitcases so that I can change after my shower."

"Well he wasn't up here long enough to unpack," Elizabeth winked. She made her way over to the mirrored closet doors and opened the bi-folds, exposing the suitcases inside.

"There we are," she said. Meredith smiled gratefully, and pulled her own out.

"That's so strange," she commented to Elizabeth, as she unzipped the luggage and pulled out a fresh pair of khakis and a t-shirt.

"What is, dear?"

"He's the neat one," Meredith said. She smoothed a wrinkle on the pants, over and over again with the palm of her hand, not taking her eyes off of the fabric. "At home, everything is neatly put away as soon as it comes back from the cleaners, or we get back from the laundromat."

"He's worried about you," Elizabeth said simply. "Everything else falls by the wayside, Meredith."

Meredith didn't comment. She just picked up her clothes and headed for the bathroom, closing the door firmly behind her.

* * *

At dinner, their conversation was stilted and awkward. To break the silence, Elizabeth told them about Derek's nieces and nephews, filling the quiet kitchen with humorous stories about her grandchildren. Meredith and Derek smiled occasionally, but their smiles never quite reached their eyes, and she realized at some point that they were thinking about their own child, who would never experience life.

After they finished, Elizabeth cleared the dishes, and Meredith volunteered to help, but she wouldn't hear of it, sending both of them out to the living room, hoping that they'll start to talk amongst themselves. She filled the sink and set about cleaning the kitchen, then made coffee and took it out to them on a silver tray she got as a wedding gift so many years ago. They sat opposite each other, in silence. Derek had picked up a section of the New York Times that she had been reading before their arrival earlier.

"I made coffee," Elizabeth announced.

"Oh, Mom," Derek said, shaking his head. "It's late."

"It's not so late," she disagreed, pouring each of them a steaming cup full. "It's only a little past nine. You don't have to get up in the morning," she reminded them. "You're on holiday. Enjoy it."

Derek frowned at this, wanting to point out to his mother that their trip here was hardly a holiday – that without the tragic events of the past week, they wouldn't be here at all. Instead, he picked up his coffee cup and took a sip, enjoying the rich, dark roast. He glanced nervously at Meredith, nevertheless, but found her expression to be impassive. Meredith, too, picked up her coffee mug, inhaling the aroma before she took a tentative sip.

"Was it difficult convincing your boss to give you the time off?" Elizabeth asked cheerfully, for the sake of making conversation.

Derek winced. "Not really," he replied, imploring his mother with his eyes to stop. He knew that she was only trying to help, but if everything she said served to remind him of why they were here, he could only imagine what it must be doing to Meredith.

He got his answer when Meredith put her cup back down on top of the coaster that sat on the table.

"I'm sorry," she said apologetically, getting to her feet. "Elizabeth, thank you for dinner. It was lovely. I'm just not feeling very well. If you don't mind, I think I'll go up to bed."

Elizabeth nodded. "Of course, dear," she said, and then watched in silence as Meredith climbed the stairs and disappeared. She turned to her son. "Oh, dear."

"Mom…" Derek started.

"I don't mean to push her," Elizabeth fretted.

"I know," Derek said. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "She's just… she's not doing so well."

"Neither are you," Elizabeth observed, taking in the exhaustion that seemed to seep out of his every pore, the dullness in his eyes, and the rings them. He even looked as though he'd lost weight, his clothing hanging loosely from his already thin frame.

"No," he agreed quietly, rubbing his hands over his face and falling back against the couch. He sighed. "She didn't want me there," he revealed to his mom. "And I was hurt and angry, and I didn't understand. Until I was there."  
"I'm sorry, Derek."

"I'm not sorry that I was with her, because I didn't want her to go through it alone, but at the same time, I… that was the hardest thing I've ever done." He groaned. "I'm awful. It must have been a million times worse for Meredith."

"Why?" his mother asked, surprising him. He thought that she'd agree without hesitation.

Derek shrugged.

"Because she was the mom?" Elizabeth prodded. "Derek, you were that baby's father."

"She was carrying it," he said, almost inaudibly.

"Yes," Elizabeth agreed. "But that doesn't make your loss any less painful."

Derek sighed, shook his head, and closed his eyes.

"Derek, how can you help Meredith if you are falling apart yourself?" his mom asked gently.

"I'm not falling apart!" he snapped. His eyes flew open and he saw his mom's stunned expression and immediately felt contrite.

"I'm sorry," he apologized.

"Mark called the other day," Elizabeth said softly.

Derek set his jaw. "He had no right. He has no right to interfere in my life at all anymore. We are not friends."

"He said that you called him."

Derek breathed through his nose, his nostrils flaring as he fought to control his temper.

"He said you were in worse shape than he'd ever seen you," Elizabeth continued, setting her coffee cup down on the table beside Meredith's. "Worse than after you found out about his affair with Addison, even."

"Yeah, well," Derek said.

Elizabeth looked uneasy. "That was bad enough, Derek," she said. "When you found them together, you completely uprooted your life. You moved across the country. You didn't say a word to your family, and didn't contact us for months."

Derek sighed. "Mom, I'm not going to pull a disappearing act again. Meredith and I will get through this."

"Not if you're down here and she's up there," Elizabeth advised. She gathered the still half-full coffee cups and started for the kitchen. "Good night, Derek."

* * *

He waited for her in bed, listening to the shower running in the adjoining bathroom. When she was finished, it took a few more minutes before she appeared in the doorway, her hair towel-dried and her face red and splotchy from the tears she'd cried.

"I'm using up all your mother's water," she said as she shuffled into the bedroom. "Two showers in one day?"

"Wildly excessive," he teased her, hoping to bring a smile to her face. But Meredith didn't smile. She got into bed next to him, but turned away, facing the wall.

"Meredith," he whispered.

"It's been a long day, Derek," she whispered back. "I'm tired."

"Okay," he said, reaching over to turn out the light. But when the room was dark, she shifted so many times that eventually, he was prompted to say something.

"Mer?"

She didn't reply.

"I know that you're awake," he said quietly.

"I can't sleep," she complained.

He reached over to rub her back, but she shied away from him. This time, he didn't let her, pushing himself closer to her and running his hands over her shoulders. "Meredith."

Her answer was a muffled sob. Derek sighed.

"Mer…"

"I'm sorry," she apologized.

"For what?"

"That it's taking so long."

"What is?" he asked in confusion.

"I can't stop crying," she confessed. "And I can't sleep with you here."

His heart dropped into his stomach. "Oh," he said.

Her next words came out in fits and starts, broken by her ragged breathing. "I can't. stop. Derek."

"Shhhh," he said against her hair, wanting to pick her up and rock her in his arms. "I know."

"Every time I look at you, I feel like I've ruined your life."

"Meredith, no," he protested, his voice rising a little in denial of her claim.

"It's how I feel, Derek," she said, her voice small.

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the love of my life, Mer. This isn't easy, I know that, but it doesn't change how I feel about you."

She sighed, her breath coming out shakily as she exhaled.

"I'm so tired, Derek."

He moved closer still, so that his mouth was against her earlobe. "I know, Mer. I know." He moved to kiss her temple and then pulled away completely, getting out of the bed.

She turned slightly to watch him pad across the floor.

"Where are you going?" she whispered.

"To get the other quilt. I'm going to sleep downstairs," he said.

"Der --."

"It's okay," he assured her. "Sleep."

He slipped out of the bedroom and fumbled around in the linen closet for the extra blanket, then made his way downstairs to the couch. No sooner had he settled on it when the light in the hall was flipped on and his mother came down the stairs.

"Derek?"

"She can't sleep with me," he said miserably.

"Oh, Derek."

He shook his head. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say, or anything. I don't know. I just know that she can't sleep with me and I can't sleep without her."

Elizabeth sighed and reached up to turn out the light before she shuffled back upstairs to her bedroom.

* * *

Meredith woke very early, before the sun was completely up and there were faint streaks of pink painting the sky. She wasn't used to more than a few hours of sleep at the best of times, and her early retreat to bed the night before left her awake long before anyone else. She lay in bed for a prolonged period of time before she couldn't stay there any longer and got up, wrapping herself in a terry bathrobe that hung on the back of the door. In bare feet, she crept out of the bedroom and down the stairs to make some coffee, but stopped still when she caught sight of Derek sleeping on the couch, his arms and legs hanging over the ends.

She stood frozen in spot, watching him as he slept fitfully, tossing and turning so often that he almost fell off of the couch. Her heart twisted with guilt as she watched him and she had to force herself to walk away, to enter the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. While it brewed, she sat alone at the kitchen table, her head in her hands. It made a few percolating chugs before it finished and Meredith stood to fetch a mug from the cupboard.

When she turned to return to the table, she nearly dropped the mug, not having noticed Derek enter the room while her back was turned.

"Hey," he said sleepily and walked over to the cupboard to pull his own mug down. He filled it with coffee and swallowed a mouthful.

"How'd you sleep?" he asked, concern filling his voice.

Her heart ached and she shrugged. "Not so well. You?"

"Not so well," he agreed quietly. Then, "Meredith… I…"

She nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to sleep on the couch."

"Whatever you need, Meredith."

She shook her head. "No, you need to get some sleep."

"So we'll do it in shifts," he cracked.

Meredith sighed. "I thought that it would be easier here, somehow," she said. "As if we could just leave all of this in Seattle? What a joke."

He set his cup on the table and took the seat next to hers.

"We have to try," he told her. "Not to leave it behind, exactly. But we need to try to … I don't know… to take care of each other, maybe. Maybe we need to try to let each other do that."

"I don't know how."

He reached for her hand, covered it with his.

"We should get out of here," he told her. "We should do something. Do you want to?"

"Like what?" she asked warily.

Derek shrugged. "I don't know. We could go across to Manhattan, be tourists. Or maybe we can do something else, go upstate for the day. Or to Coney Island."

"No rollercoasters," Meredith said quickly.

"Okay, Mer."

"Maybe you can show me where you grew up?" she asked hopefully. On the trip up, to fill the awkward silence, he'd told her that Elizabeth hadn't always lived in Brooklyn. It was only once her children were grown and they had finished with their schooling that they'd convinced her to move into the Park Slope neighbourhood, which in recent years had become re-energized and popular with young professionals who couldn't afford the steep prices in Manhattan. Her children had paid for the brownstone, which had two bedrooms and one and a half baths, a view of the park across the street, and a huge kitchen, which was its largest selling feature.

The Shepherd children had grown up on Long Island, in a sprawling house that was always filled with their voices and that of various neighbourhood friends. The girls had shared two bedrooms and two bathrooms on the upper floor, while Derek had been afforded his own, much smaller bedroom, and had been forced to use the main bath, which of course was always in use by his sisters regardless of their own accommodations.

When Derek's father had passed away, Elizabeth had worried about how she'd afford the house, but his insurance policy had taken care of the mortgage and had paid for her eldest children's educations. By the time that Nancy, Derek, and Kathleen were finished with med school, her younger daughters were just finishing high school, and the three of them paid for their siblings undergraduate degrees without a second thought. When Derek's practice in Manhattan had taken off, he, Nancy and Kathleen had pooled their liquid assets and had proposed that Elizabeth move to a smaller house. With the younger girls away at school, she hadn't had much room to argue, and so she'd allowed them to purchase the brownstone, which was closer to Nancy's place in Clinton Hill, and of course, to Derek and Addison's home on the Upper East Side.

"If you want," Derek answered now, taking another sip of his coffee. He looked exhausted, and she was tempted to reach out and cradle his face in her hands, but she kept her hands wrapped around her coffee mug instead.

"I think I'd like that," she answered quietly.

He nodded. A minute later, Elizabeth appeared in the doorway.

"I don't know how you get up so early," Derek's mom commented, yawning.

"Mom, you got up much earlier than this for years," Derek laughed.

"Yes, but I don't now, do I?" she asked. "And I certainly don't when I don't have anywhere to be."

"Do you have plans today?" Derek asked her, getting up to retrieve a mug for her. He filled it with black coffee and passed it back to her.

"Julie insists that she needs one of these iPod things that everyone uses these days and her mother won't give her the rest of the money that she needs to buy one, so I told her that if she comes and helps me finish planting my window boxes, I'll go with her to pick one out."

Derek shook his head. "Mom, Kathleen isn't going to be happy about this."

Elizabeth shrugged, her eyes twinkling. "What are grandmothers for?"

Meredith's laughter them, including herself. She turned pink and looked down at the table.

Elizabeth sat beside her. "Would you like to join us, Meredith?" she invited her daughter-in-law.

"We're going to Long Island," Derek told her, matter-of-factly.

"Oh, that's nice," Elizabeth smiled.

"Mer wanted to see where we grew up."

Elizabeth nodded. "You should make a day of it, take her to the old high school, show her where you and Mark got into so much trouble together."

Meredith looked up to see his eyes darken.

"Oh, we don't have to," she said quickly.

"If you're going all the way out there, you may as well get the whole tour," Elizabeth reasoned.

"It's fine," Derek said quietly. "We can spend some time out there."

Meredith bit her lip uncertainly and met her husband's eyes. She couldn't quite decipher the message in them, however, so she got up from the table and carried her cup over to the sink.

"I should go up and get ready," she said quietly, and then left the room.

When she was gone, Derek shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Derek," Elizabeth apologized. "I didn't mean to bring up Mark."

"It's fine," he said, his tone clipped. "I have to get going. I'll see you later."

* * *

Derek and Meredith spent the day touring his old haunts and stopped for dinner at a small pizza place under the Brooklyn Bridge before heading back to Elizabeth's house. The restaurant was bustling with activity and Meredith felt grateful for it, the din of the other patrons making it impossible to engage in much conversation.

After dinner, Derek suggested that they walk along the waterfront and Meredith stood at the edge of the water, looking across it at lower Manhattan's lights sparkling in the distance.

When she shivered, he removed his coat and draped it over her shoulders. She turned her head to look at him and he saw the tears glimmering there, but not spilling over.

"Why are you being so good to me?" she asked, her voice strained.

Derek stared at her wordlessly, not sure how to answer that question when it should have been perfectly obvious.

"Don't you blame me?" she asked him.

"No. God, Mer. Why would I blame you?" he asked, his fingers grasping the iron railing and flexing against the metal.

"Because," she whispered. "I knew."

"You knew?" he asked in confusion.

She nodded, and when she looked at him again, he saw how tortured she looked and it made him want to cry.

"I stopped taking my pill before I told you that I did," she confessed. "I knew that we were trying – or at least, I was trying. I knew I wanted to get pregnant, Derek. I was trying to, and I thought that I'd surprise you with it. But I didn't take the folic acid that I should have been taking. I was careless and stupid, and I knew that I was trying to get pregnant. If I would have just been honest, we could have prepared better. Maybe. I don't know. I think we could have done more, and I could have been better, and more fair, and it's my fault."

"Stop it," he said. "Meredith. I can't keep doing this with you. I can't keep trying to assure you that you didn't do anything wrong. I don't blame you and I wouldn't blame you if you'd been trying since the day we first made love. I don't blame you, Meredith. Please…" His voice broke and he held tight to the railing, his knuckles becoming white from the strain. "Please, Mer," he choked out. Tears ran down his cheeks and he sniffled. "Please stop blaming yourself."

Beside him, she was still, but then her hand covered his and she unfurled his fingers from the railing and stepped closer to him, wrapping her arms around him tightly. He turned away from the Manhattan skyline and buried his face in her hair, breathing her in, absorbing her warmth as she clung to him. He breathed and he cried into her hair, his fingers tight on her hips, holding her close.


	9. Chapter 9

_I'm very late on this update, and I apologize profusely. The combination of work kicking my ass, and sort of losing my direction a bit with this fic resulted in a bit of a delay. I think I'm back on track, and it looks like all systems are go. Hopefully, I'll be able to update a little more regularly, but we'll see how things get sorted at work._

_ Derek's sisters finally make an appearance in this fic, and I have to take a minute here to admit that I shamelessly borrowed the unknown names of Derek's two other sisters from the wonderful AriaAdagio's Lightning Strikes Twice (if you're not reading it, why not? Go. Immediately. Well, okay, stick around until the end of this chapter, review -- please! -- and THEN go). But yes, I borrowed Natalie and Sarah from her, in name only. Because she and some other wonderful fic writers are doing far more justice to these characters than Shonda is these days, and I'd like to consider their stories canon, improved.  
_

* * *

By the time they returned to the brownstone, Elizabeth had gone to bed, leaving them a note on the kitchen table that there was a casserole in the refrigerator and an apple crisp for dessert, as well, if they were hungry. 

Derek gave Meredith a half-smile, looking guilty.

"I should have called."

"Probably," she agreed with a tired smile.

Once they'd cried themselves out, standing next to the water with the lower Manhattan skyline in the distance, Derek had taken her hand and pulled her along after him to a nearby bench. He'd sat and folded her into his lap, and they'd sat quietly for a long time, until the chill that had affected her earlier seeped into his bones.

"We should go back," Meredith had told him, resting her forehead against his.

"Yeah," he'd agreed reluctantly, dreading the awkward preparations for bed; he didn't want to sleep alone.

But now, Meredith turned out the kitchen light and slipped her hand into his, then led him upstairs to the bedroom. Without words, she'd slipped out of her clothes and he'd silently watched her slip into her Dartmouth t-shirt that she'd now taken to wearing to bed, along with a pair of cotton pajama bottoms. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail and disappeared into the bathroom to wash her face, leaving him alone to change, which he did quickly, before he lost his nerve. When Meredith returned, she didn't say anything. She just slipped into bed and held the covers open for him. He felt so grateful that he almost cried, but held the tears at bay, exhausted from having cried so many already.

He wanted to pull her close, but wondered if he might be pushing his luck, so he folded his arms over his stomach and closed his eyes, listening to the steady rhythm of her breathing. She didn't fall asleep right away and he worried that last night would repeat itself, but instead, Meredith's voice washed over him.

"Derek?"

His eyes opened and he turned his head towards her.

"Yeah?" he whispered back.

"Could you... maybe... just hold me?" she asked nervously. He let out a sigh of relief and shifted over so that she was immediately next to him. He rolled to his side and spooned her, his hands settling somewhere over her abdomen. Meredith froze and Derek closed his eyes.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ he thought, quickly pulling his hands away. He couldn't help thinking of the many nights since she'd found out about her pregnancy that they'd laid together this way, his hands protectively covering her swollen belly. Now, it was flat and Derek felt as though his hands had been burned. He groaned inwardly, but after a moment, Meredith's hands found his and she brought them back around her body, settling them slightly higher than they'd been a moment before. He sighed and pressed his lips to the back of her neck briefly, a fleeting kiss that didn't assume anything.

Eventually, her breathing evened out and she began to snore softly. Relieved, he fell asleep beside her.

Time was a balm, as Derek and Meredith slept late and relaxed in the comfort of Elizabeth's home.

On one such morning, weeks after their arrival, they were jolted from their sleep by the sound of a large truck rumbling past the brownstone. Instinctually, Meredith rolled towards Derek, nuzzling his neck with her nose, breathing in the warm, soapy scent of his skin. Still half-asleep, Derek's hands gripped her hips and angled her towards him, before his hands moved up, sliding over the gentle curve of her breasts.

Meredith let herself enjoy the feeling of his hands on her body – still not fully alert, her body reacted on a subconscious level to his touch. She arched against him and his arousal pushed against her. Somewhere, in her hazy, sleepy mind, she registered the reaction and pulled away as though burned, her eyes flying open.

"Derek!" she hissed, almost falling out of bed in an effort to gain distance.

He opened his eyes and squinted up at her, confused.

"Hmm?" he wondered, his bleary-eyed gaze taking in her flushed skin and glassy eyes. He almost smiled, noticing how her nipples strained against the Dartmouth t-shirt that she'd worn, but the expression on her face made his smile fall away. She looked horrified and he started to ask her what was wrong when he became acutely aware of his erection.

"Shit," he muttered. Then – "Mer…"

She shook her head. "I'm going to go get dressed. Your mom is probably wondering why we're not up yet."

Ordinarily, he'd grin at her, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and invitingly. Ordinarily, Meredith would crawl back into bed with him, and they wouldn't care less that Elizabeth was coming to all sorts of conclusions about why they'd missed breakfast. But nothing about their life was ordinary these days.

He nodded silently and Meredith picked a couple of items of clothing out of her suitcase and disappeared behind the bathroom door. Derek collapsed back against the pillows, frustrated that he was supposed to be horrified that he wanted his wife, but wasn't horrified at all. He wanted her. On a conscious level, he understood that she equated their sex life with the tragically failed pregnancy, and he didn't want to push her. But he missed her, missed her in ways that had nothing to do with being buried inside her, breathing in her skin, her breath hot and moist against his neck. He missed her in ways that had everything to do with that, too.

In a few minutes, she emerged from the bathroom, dressed in jeans and his favourite lilac coloured sweater. The one she'd worn when he'd worn her down and she'd asked him to take her for a ride. He wondered briefly if she remembered that, had realized when she'd pulled it over her head that she was wearing _that_ sweater.

Meredith put an end to his daydreaming quickly. "It's all yours," she said. "I'm going to go see if your mom is around." She left the bedroom and hurried down the stairs, her skin still tingling from his earlier attention.

She found Elizabeth on the front stoop, watering the flower boxes that her granddaughter had helped her plant the previous day.

"Good morning, dear," Elizabeth greeted her brightly. "Or, rather, good afternoon."

Meredith blushed. "Is it that late already?" she wondered out loud.

Elizabeth chuckled. "Time gets away from you when you're newlyweds. It was a long time ago, but I still remember."

Meredith shifted uncomfortably, not out of embarrassment but because she and Derek had been rudely awakened from their honeymoon period.

"No," Meredith blurted out, and her blush deepened. "I… Oh… We weren't…"

Elizabeth turned to her, her blue eyes cutting through Meredith's protective shell. Her eyes were the same blue as Derek's, and she was just as defenceless against them as she was against her husband's.

"No," Elizabeth mused quietly. "I don't suppose you are."

Meredith sighed. "It's just…"

"Too soon?" Elizabeth guessed. She smiled softly at Meredith's horrified expression. "Meredith, I have five children and fourteen grandchildren. I've heard it all."

Meredith shook her head. "It's complicated."

"I know, dear." She handed the watering can to Meredith and slipped off her gloves. "Marriages always are." She gestured for Meredith to follow her around down to the flowerpots that lined the edges of the steps to her home. "Derek's father and I were married for over twenty years. I knew him since I was a girl, and still, somehow, when he died, I learned things that I didn't know." She took the watering can back from Meredith and bent low over her petunias.

"Derek and his sisters think that their father hung the moon," she confided in Meredith with a sigh. "Particularly Derek. I guess that losing him at twelve keeps a certain image of him preserved. But he wasn't always perfect, and neither was I. We hurt each other, and most of the time we didn't mean to. But we did. Oh, we'd fight," she chuckled at the memory. "And then we wouldn't speak for days. But in the end, we had a life together, and we had to keep moving forward."

She straightened and looked Meredith in the eye. "And the make up sex was more than worth the trouble," she added with a wink.

Meredith choked, stammered, took a step back and almost landed in one of the flowerpots.

"I…"

"Meredith, relax," Elizabeth chuckled. "I'm just saying – it was an important part of our relationship. It was about intimacy and healing, and it allowed us to be open with each other. I'm not saying that sex fixed everything, but it allowed us to refocus on us, and that made our family stronger."

Meredith nodded, quiet and contemplative.

"He'll understand if you're not ready," Elizabeth advised her. "But to be perfectly blunt, my dear, he needs some reason to keep hanging in there."

The door opened behind them, effectively ending their conversation.

"Hey, there you are," Derek said quietly, stepping out onto the stoop. He smiled at both of them and surveyed the flowers. "They look good, Mom," he said.

"Julie really worked hard for that iPod," she told them. Meredith laughed and Derek's eyes crinkled when he smiled.

"Do the two of you have plans today?" Elizabeth asked.

Derek had no sooner opened his mouth to answer her question when ahead on the street, a car horn honked and a silver Lexus SUV swung up to the curb. Seconds later, bodies spilled from it, as Nancy and three other women got out.

"Oh, thank God!" one of them, whom Meredith didn't recognize said, walking swiftly toward the brownstone. Derek frowned and shielded his eyes from the sun as he looked down on his sisters.

"Mom!" he hissed under her breath.

Elizabeth frowned and set the watering can down on the steps, moving down them with more agility than a woman her age should possess. She headed her daughters off at the pass, setting her hands on her hips.

"What are the four of you doing here?" she demanded.

The one who had thanked God looked over to Nancy who grimaced.

Another sister stepped forward, rolling her eyes. "You've been avoiding us for weeks, Mom. Julie let it slip that somebody was staying with you, and she didn't know who, so Nancy and Kathleen here decided to find out if you were shacking up with some man that we didn't know."

"Oh, honestly!" Elizabeth said, exasperation evident in her voice.

Kathleen, the God-praiser, tried to get around her mother and start up the stairs toward her brother, but Elizabeth deftly blocked her.

"What do you think you're doing?" Elizabeth asked. Kathleen's mouth opened and closed. "Derek!" she finally sputtered.

"Yes," Elizabeth acknowledged. "I know he's made himself scarce recently, but really, Kathleen."

Kathleen blushed. "Sorry," she muttered. Her gaze moved to Meredith and she smiled uncertainly. "Hi," she said glancing around her mother.

"Hi," Meredith returned softly. She turned and looked uncertainly at Derek, who still stood frowning down at his sister's.

"Well, now you know that I'm not living in sin, so you can go home," Elizabeth told her daughters.

Nancy snorted. "Yeah, right," she said under her breath, but still loudly enough for all of them to hear. She raised her hand in greeting to her brother. "Hey, Dork."

Derek shook his head. "Nancy."

"What, you were going to just ignore all of us?" she asked him with a pout.

"It's not a good time," he said.

"Yeah, well, it's never a good time," Nancy said dryly. "Apparently, your wedding wasn't a good time to contact us, either."

"Nancy," Elizabeth warned her eldest daughter.

Meredith moved back a step, nearly tripping as she moved backwards.

Derek reached out to steady her and kept his hand on her arm afterwards, keeping a firm but gentle grasp.

"Derek," another of the sisters tried. "We're just confused. Why would you come here and not even see us?"

"Nat..." Derek sighed.

"You act like you hate us!" the fourth sister added.

Derek groaned. "Sarah, no."

"Well, what are we supposed to think?" Nancy asked.

"You're supposed to think that when Derek and Meredith are ready to see you, they'll see you," Elizabeth retorted, her eyes flashing defiantly at her daughters.

Nancy rolled her eyes. "Of course. Meredith."

Derek's eyes slanted dangerously and he released his wife to move down the steps toward his sister. "What?" he asked her from beneath clenched teeth.

"Derek," Elizabeth said, turning to her son. "Settle down."

"You have _no_ idea, Nancy," he told her, his voice a low growl.

"I know that since you met her, you ignore all of us. You shut us out of your life completely."

"Nancy!" Elizabeth snapped. "I strongly advise you to stop speaking now."

"Why?" Nancy asked, meeting her brother's gaze. "It's true, isn't it?"

"I swear to God, Nancy," Derek said.

"Derek," Meredith said softly, so quietly that she wasn't sure she'd been heard. But Derek froze and turned back to her, his expression softening.

"It's okay," she told him. She shook her head. "Just let it go. Please."

She didn't want them to find out here, on the street. Not like this. Derek exhaled and then nodded slowly. "Okay, Mer."

"See?" Nancy asked with a smirk.

"Nancy!" Elizabeth said again. "That is enough!"

The other three sisters exchanged glances, knowing full well that they'd hit a wall.

"Girls," Elizabeth said, more calmly, addressing her other daughters. "Go home. All of you. Derek will call you later," she said, not looking to her son for confirmation.

Derek nodded stiffly, not trusting his voice.

"Derek," tried Kathleen. "Just… we miss you."

"I know," he sighed. "I just can't do this right now. We can't do this right now. Please, Kathy."

Her brow furrowed with concern and confusion, but she nodded. "Okay," she said after a moment. She turned to her sisters. "Let's go get some coffee?" she suggested.

Nancy shook her head. "Unbelievable."

"Nancy," Derek said, a pleading tone undercutting his voice.

"Fine," she said, stalking away to the Lexus. The other three followed and few moments later, the car doors slammed shut behind them and Kathleen pulled out of the spot and drove down the street. Left alone, Derek ran his hands through his hair in frustration and turned back to his wife.

"Meredith," he said softly. But she stayed frozen on the step, looking out at the now quiet street.

"They're right," she said.

Derek's brow furrowed. "No, they're not."

"They are," she insisted. "If you'd come alone, you'd have seen them already. You'd have told them."

Derek shook his head. "No, Meredith. Come on, that's just Nancy. If she's left out of the loop, she gets her nose all out of joint."

"You need to tell them," she said. "You can't keep holding them at bay."

"Okay, Mer," he said, coming up the stairs. "If that's what you want."

She shook her head. "It's what you need. I need you to do this for you, not for me."

Elizabeth remained at the bottom of the stairs, not saying a word.

He hesitated. "Okay. Not today, though."

Meredith bit her lip.

"Mer, if it's for me, then not today. I don't want to today. I want to spend the day with you, okay?"

She took a deep breath and caught Elizabeth's eye; she smiled softly and encouragingly.

"Okay," Meredith said.

They ate a light brunch that Derek made once the three of them returned to the house. After cleaning the kitchen, Derek turned to his wife.

"I need a suit," he said.

"Why?" Meredith asked.

"Because I have that benefit dinner coming up when we go home, and I'd rather get a suit here than in Seattle."

Meredith lifted her eyebrows. "An expensive suit?" she asked.

He laughed. "Yes."

Meredith smiled softly. "You'll look out of place," she commented.

"Mark's there now," he reminded her with a wink.

Meredith shook her head. "Okay, well, where do you shop for suits?"

Derek grinned. "Manhattan!"

By the time they entered the first store on Fifth Avenue, Meredith's nerves were frayed from having survived the mean streets of New York. The traffic had been horrendous, and even though she'd been in the passenger seat, she felt as though she were on edge for the entire trip through the island. Eventually, Derek pulled up in front of a parking garage and took a valet ticket before he found Meredith's hand with his own and pulled her along with him into a store where two security guards stood in front of the door.

They nodded at Derek and Meredith tried not to gape as she followed him into the air-conditioned store. A salesman approached them from their left.

"Good afternoon, sir."

Derek smiled. "Hello."

"Are you looking for something particular today?"

"A suit," Meredith blurted out. She blushed and looked at Derek apologetically.

"Ah," said the salesman. "Nothing for the lady?"

Derek smiled. "Everything for the lady," he answered.

They moved to the back of the store and Derek explained what he was looking for.

"Off the rack, sir?"

Derek shrugged. "I'm not sure yet. I'd like to take a look."

"Certainly." The salesman showed Derek a few different collections and brought a few to the changing rooms for Derek to try on. He disappeared behind the door while Meredith waited and when he reappeared in a midnight blue suit with silver pinstripes, she whistled.

He grinned. "You approve?"

"You look hot," she said with her own grin.

"Oh, well, then," he smirked. He winked at her and disappeared behind the door. A moment later, he reappeared in a charcoal suit with a crisp white shirt beneath it.

"Hmmm," Meredith said.

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Hmmm?" he echoed.

She shrugged. "Something isn't right. Stay here."

He laughed. "Okay."

Meredith hunted through the racks for several minutes, finally returning with a few items, including a soft cashmere v-neck sweater in black.

"Here," she said, thrusting it towards him.

Derek chuckled. "Mer, I have this."

She shrugged. "So? I have it on good authority that you look very hot in it."

"Mmm," he said. "Whose authority?"

She approached him standing in the doorway and pushed him back into the dressing room, then followed him inside, closing and locking the door behind her.

"Mine," she answered. "Now, are you going to try it on?"

He laughed and slipped out of the jacket he wore over the dress shirt and pulled the sweater over his head.

"Hmm," Meredith said, stepping back to consider him. She shook her head. "Something is still not right. Try it with your jeans."

Derek looked at her doubtfully, but dutifully changed back into his jeans, which nicely hugged his ass.

"Much better," Meredith said appreciatively. "I think this is your best look."

"Really?" he teased her, his eyes twinkling. "I thought you liked my birthday suit the best."

Meredith nearly choked on her laughter. "Well, that's a good one," she agreed. She moved closer to him and he held his breath, afraid to push her. He had to let her set the pace.

"Derek?" she asked quietly.

"Yes?" he breathed.

Instead of continuing to speak, she kissed him, asking a million questions in it, and giving him a million answers. The kiss deepened and he explored her mouth with his tongue, drinking in the warm sweetness of it before he tore his mouth from hers with a groan.

"Meredith," he panted, his eyes glazed and he stumbled backward, nearly colliding with the mirror behind him.

She pressed her body against his and he wrapped his arms around her, his mouth returning to hers, making her as breathless as he was. When their lips parted again, he stared at her, dazed.

"I miss you," she admitted softly. "I don't want to lead you on, Derek. I don't know if I can… but I miss you."

He sighed, wrapped her arms around her and brought her close.

"I miss you, too," he told her. "But Mer, I'm not going to pressure you. You know that, right?"

She nodded against his shoulder, and then frowned.

"What?" he asked with concern.

She shook her head. "It's just… your sisters."

He sighed. "Please don't worry about them, Mer. They don't know, and they're just reacting to my shitty behaviour. It's not your fault."

"I don't want their pity," she said quietly.

"They'll be fine," he assured her. "Look at how you fell in love with my mom."

Meredith smiled softly. "She's really great."

"She adores you," he told her confidently. "I knew she would, though. And the girls? They'll come around."

"Even Nancy?" she asked, sounding entirely unconvinced.

"Yes. Even Nancy. She's not _that_ bad," he chuckled. "And do you want to know something? It took her a while to warm up to Addison, too."

Meredith looked dubious. "She did?"

"Uh huh," he confirmed. He shrugged. "It's just a protective thing. She thinks she's my second mother or something." He rolled his eyes and grinned at her.

Meredith smiled, and then sighed.

"I'm tired, Derek. I'm tired of feeling like this. I miss us."

He nodded in agreement.

"And you look really sexy in this sweater," she murmured against him, resting her cheek against the soft fabric and the firmness of his chest beneath it.

"So, I'm getting the sweater," he mused.

She laughed. "And the blue suit."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "It brings out your eyes."

"Okay," he said. "Anything else, sweetheart?"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, what's that?"

"What?" he chuckled.

"Sweetheart?" she repeated.

He grinned. "It's a term of endearment. Like: angel, baby, love."

Meredith made a gagging noise. "No."

"Honey?"

"Derek…"

"Mer?"

"Yes," she whispered. "Just Mer."

"Okay, Mer," he whispered back, brushing her ear with his lips so that she shivered.

"We're never going to be able to leave this store if you don't get out of here," he warned her after a moment and a groan.

She grinned and nipped at his jaw line, then slipped out of the dressing room.


	10. Chapter 10

_Thank you for your reviews of the last chapter. I know that up until now, it's been a bit of a depressing story, and I want to thank you for sticking with it. Things do seem be changing, though; as you may have noticed, the rating for this story just went up... take that as you will. I apologize for not warning you at the end of the last piece, if you feel the need to be warned about such things, but well, it kind of sneaked up on me, too. Anyway, enjoy!_

* * *

Even after Derek changed back into his own clothing and had spoken to the salesman about having the suit custom-tailored, it took him and Meredith a while to leave the store. She kept finding stray items of clothing for him to try, and somehow, she kept ending up in the changing room with him. When they finally emerged, their skin was flushed, and their hair was dishevelled. The salesman winked at Meredith as they passed, and once again intimated to Derek that he might like to find something for the lady. But Meredith grabbed his hand and pulled him along behind her after he'd paid for the suit and had picked up the bag containing his new cashmere sweater. 

"I found exactly what I wanted," Meredith told the salesman.

They left the store and continued up Fifth Avenue, ducking into small boutiques as they went. Time and time again, Meredith followed him into his dressing room, and he finally started picking up items for her as they made their way to the back of the store.

"Are you going to try on that dress?" Meredith asked with a smirk as he picked out a strapless midnight blue dress that she realized went perfectly with the suit he'd chosen earlier.

He shook his head, thrusting it at her. "You are," he said, grinning. "I happen to need a date for this fancy work thing, and I was hoping you'd accompany me."

Meredith smiled softly. "I'll think about it," she said.

"Good. Try on the dress."

Unlike Meredith, Derek behaved himself in the dressing room, but he'd later admit that it was because the area was filled with other women, who were flitting back and forth with items to try. Meredith slipped into one of the changing rooms and was just pulling the dress on when she heard a seductive female voice beyond the door.

"Oh, can you give me a hand with this?" the woman asked, and Meredith knew in her gut that the person being addressed was Derek. "My zipper seems to be stuck," the woman continued. Meredith almost yanked the dress she was pulling on back off in frustration and threw open the door, but instead, she opened the door just a fraction, enough that she could see out without being seen.

"I'm Trish," the other woman continued. Through the crack in the door, Meredith could see that she was tall and leggy. Meredith's stomach twisted. If she had red hair, Meredith was going out there, clothing or no clothing. Her gaze swept upward, and she took in the woman's honey-blonde hair, falling over her shoulders. Derek said something that she couldn't hear, and then he stood to help the woman with the stuck zipper.

Meredith gasped and lost her balance as she tried to see if her husband's hand lingered on the woman's shoulder. She started to tip forward and the door flew open just before Meredith landed on her knees, the fabric of the dress making a horrid ripping sound as it got caught beneath her.

"Mer?" Derek asked with concern. Trish's eyes went wide and her mouth made a circle of surprise.

Derek left Trish where she stood and dropped down to help his wife. "Meredith?" he asked again. She blinked up at him, her face burning with humiliation.

"I – I…this stupid dress!" she exclaimed, suddenly hating it. Her eyes watered. "Damn it. I think I ruined it," she whispered.

"What were you doing?" Derek asked her.

She shook her head vehemently, glancing up at Trish.

"Oh," Derek said. He grinned at her and burst out laughing.

"Stop it!" she admonished him. She groaned and then hissed under her breath. "Help me!"

Derek's eyes filled with tears of laughter and he was helpless for several minutes while he laughed.

"Derek!" Meredith tried again.

"Okay," he gasped. He helped her up and shielded her as much as he could from the amused and horrified eyes that surrounded her. When Meredith was safely in the changing room again, she pulled him in behind her and closed the door with a thud.

"That was the highlight of this trip for me," he said, as solemnly as he could muster.

"God," Meredith groaned. "I can't go out there again."

"Sure you can," Derek reasoned. "They'll leave eventually."

She groaned again and stepped out of the remains of the dress. "I ruined it," she winced. "Was it really expensive?"

Derek picked up the dress and held it away from her.

"Don't worry about it," he told her.

"No, how much was it?" she asked him.

"Mer, it's fine."

"Derek, how much?"

He consulted the tag. "Two grand."

"Two _thousand_ dollars?" Meredith gasped. "It's … it's a _cocktail_ dress."

He shrugged. "Like I said, don't worry about it."

"You can't pay for it, Derek. I ruined it."

"Yeah, well…"

"No, it was my stupidity."

"Or your jealousy," he said in a soft voice, smirking at her.

Meredith folded her arms across her chest. "I am not jealous."

"Really?" he challenged her.

"I don't even know what you're talking about," Meredith denied.

"Oh, so maybe I should go back out there and help the pretty blonde with her zipper."

"You think she's pretty?" Meredith asked with a frown.

He shook his head. "Mer, I think lots of people are attractive, sure." He shrugged. "But I think you're beautiful."

She rolled her eyes. "Now you're just trying to butter me up."

"Mmmhmm," he agreed. "I was doing pretty well, earlier."

He reached out and ran the palm of his hand over her smooth, bare shoulder, then pulled her close and kissed her until she was breathless. "Is it working yet?" he asked when he pulled away.

Meredith blinked slowly, trying to clear the cloudiness from her vision.

"Uh," she managed.

He chuckled. "Wait here," he said. A few minutes later, he returned with an identical blue dress.

"Try again," he said, handing it to her.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because," he said patiently. "You still need something to wear."

"No, Derek. It's too much. You're already paying for the one I ruined."

"Meredith, seriously," he said, using the same tone that her friends often did to stress the second word. "Just try the dress on, please. Humour me. I want to see you in it so I know what my two grand _would_ have paid for."

She sighed and took the second dress from him, then put it on and opened the door again. Derek was back sitting where he'd been earlier, flipping through an issue of In Style.

Meredith stood in the doorway, gazing at him. He was sprawled comfortably in the chair and his dark hair fell over his eye. He looked up, as though sensing her looking at him, and pushed the hair away, revealing his twinkling blue eyes. Meredith sucked in a sharp breath as he smiled easily at her. She shook her head, not failing to feel a swell of pride that he was hers. Derek stood and approached her, and she noticed how his blue eyes had darkened to a shade that wasn't far off from that of the dress. His eyes were filled with lust and she took a step back. Derek followed her and they were once again sealed off in a dressing room.

"Meredith," he breathed, his hands skimming her bare arms.

She laughed softly. "Okay, settle down," she instructed him.

He grinned.

"Come on," she implored him. "You don't want to tear another one, do you?"

"Hmmm," he said. "I might consider it a loss worth taking."

"Derek…"

"Meredith…" he responded in kind.

"Take the dress off," he whispered.

She rolled her eyes. "See?"

"Meredith," he groaned. "Take the dress off so we can go home."

She blinked. They'd been teasing each other all afternoon, but she had counted on it being a game that would end when they returned to Elizabeth's house. All afternoon, she'd told herself that it was okay to play this game with him because they both understood that it was just that. But now…

Seeing her husband be hit on by another woman was nothing new, but today, it bothered her more than it usually did. She didn't want him doing up the zipper on some leggy blonde's dress. She wanted him undoing the zipper on hers.

Meredith looked up at him. "Home," she echoed breathlessly.

"Well, my mom's," he said, gifting her with a charming, crooked smile.

"Yes," she said. She pushed him toward the door. "Out."

Once she was alone, she slipped out of the dress and then reluctantly hung it back on the hanger. When she'd put her own clothing back on, she carried the dress out of the changing room and started to hand it back to the salesgirl, but Derek intercepted.

"We'll take it," he said decisively.

"Oh, Derek, no."

"Meredith, do you know how hot you looked in that dress?"

She blushed. "Well, then it's hardly appropriate for a work function, is it?"

"So, we'll find some other place for you to wear it," he said, his voice low in her ear as he bent down to kiss her just above it.

"You already…"

"Yeah, so?" he argued. "It's a gift, Mer. Just let me buy it, okay?"

Meredith sighed. "Okay," she agreed.

The salesgirl smiled brightly. "Okay, then," she chirped. "If you'll just follow me to the register."

When they finally left the store, Derek retrieved the car from the valet and pulled back into the slow-crawling traffic. It was nearing rush hour and it took them a couple of frustrating hours to get back to Elizabeth's house. By the time they did, they were starving and so they were simultaneously relieved and disappointed when Derek opened the door to an empty house.

"Mom?" he called, moving into the kitchen, hoping to find her – and dinner – there. But neither were to be found.

"I guess she went out," Derek said, returning to the living room, where Meredith had collapsed on the couch.

"Did she leave anything in the fridge?" Meredith asked hopefully. She shook her head. "God, listen to me. Your poor mom."

Derek chuckled. "She's used to it," he said. "And there are probably some leftovers in there."

Meredith followed him back into the kitchen and he looked inside the fridge, finding some cold chicken and a green salad inside. Derek fixed them each a plate, and then found a bottle of Chardonnay. He opened it and poured them each a glass.

Conversation over dinner was light-hearted, although Meredith still felt terrible about the dress.

And then dinner was over, the dishes had been done and put away, and they were forced to deal with what they'd been flirting with all day.

"So," Derek said, following her into the living room.

"Do you think your mom will be home soon?" Meredith asked, sitting down on the couch and reaching forward to flip through a coffee-table book.

"I don't know," Derek said softly. "I think she thinks that we need some time alone."

Meredith turned to him, her eyes wide. "Yeah," she agreed softly.

"Do you think she's right?" he asked with a nervous quality that completely threw her for a loop. Derek Shepherd did not suffer from a lack of self-confidence.

"Yeah," Meredith said softly. She closed the book that sat on the table and turned to him. "We had a nice talk this morning, actually."

Derek's eyebrows shot up. "You did?"

"Yeah." Meredith edged closer to him. "I told her that I was feeling a little bit apprehensive about being with you."

Derek coughed. "You told my mom that we're not having sex?"

"She said she has five children and fourteen grandchildren, and she's heard everything," Meredith smiled.

"Yeah, but she's my mother," Derek protested.

"I'm sorry," Meredith apologized.

"Did she talk you into it?" he asked, with a mischievous grin.

"What?" Meredith spluttered.

He grinned harder. "Did she convince you to sleep with me? Is that why you were practically jumping me in the dressing room today?"

Meredith shook her head. "I was _not_ jumping you!"

"I said practically," he smirked.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. She reached for one of the cushions and smacked him with it.

The force of the blow knocked him backwards, but he was quick, snaking his arms around her and pulling her down with him, on top of him. And then he kissed her and he quickly came to the conclusion that he didn't care who or what had convinced her. He was just thankful that she released the pillow to hold on to him.

* * *

Derek didn't want to jinx himself, but the way that Meredith was pressed against him, he couldn't help worrying that she saw sex as one more hurdle to clear; it was one more box she needed to tick off to get over the loss of their baby. So he reluctantly pulled away, breathing rapidly and spoke in a gentle but determined voice. 

"Mer, we need to stop."

She blinked, hazy with lust. "What?"

"Stop." He pulled away from her completely, hating how confused and hurt she looked.

"Why?" she asked him. "Your mom?"

"No," he answered, shaking his head. "I have no idea where she went or when she'll be back. And I wasn't planning on taking you on my mother's couch, anyway."

"Okay," Meredith said, confusion seeping into her voice.

Derek sighed. "Do you really want to do this?"

Meredith frowned. "You don't?"

"What?" he asked. And then – "Oh, God. No, Meredith. That's not it. A couple of nights ago, you couldn't sleep with me in the same room and now you want us to make love?"

"Today was a good day," she said softly. She slid off the couch and moved to the chair opposite it.

Derek sighed in frustration. "It was," he agreed. "But I don't want to wake up tomorrow and find you gone because you're scared of what this means for us, and you feel guilty because you're moving on."

She closed her eyes and was silent for a long moment. When she opened them, they were a brighter green than he remembered. "I love you," she told him quietly. "That's all I know."

Derek was silent, contemplating her words. Then he stood and held out his hand to her.

The bedroom was cloaked in semi-darkness. It was nearing evening and already, the sun was setting, leaving shadows in its wake. Derek closed the door softly behind them, tapping it with his foot to close it even as he took Meredith in his arms and kissed her. He recognized that he was holding his breath, waiting for her to pull back, waiting for them to take two steps back.

But Meredith surprised him, stepping back only to pull her t-shirt over her head. She dropped it somewhere at their feet and smiled at him. "Do you think we'll be alone much longer?" she asked.

Derek shrugged, not really caring who was around or not, even his mother. He brought Meredith back to him, angling his mouth over hers and plunging his tongue into its depths even as he brought his hands up to her hair and found the coated elastic which held it back in a low ponytail. Once he'd freed her hair, he combed his fingers through it, feeling it cascade around her shoulders, the scent of wildflowers loosened from its strands. It hadn't been all that long since they'd last made love, he admitted on a subconscious level – time hadn't passed that quickly since they'd learned of the fate of their unborn child – but it felt as though it had been forever.

He tried to be patient and careful with her, not wanting to push for too much too soon, but Meredith had other ideas. She kept him fully engaged in their kiss, so much so that he was almost unaware of her long, delicate surgeon's fingers deftly working on the buttons of his shirt. The button holes on her shirt were tiny and delicate and it would have made her work incredibly frustrating were she not so skilled and within seconds, she was sliding his shirt off of his shoulders and her mouth left his to move along his jaw, down the curve of his neck and over the broad expanse of his shoulder.

Derek was quickly forgetting about his patience and care. Instead, he let his head fall back, giving Meredith greater access to his skin. She sipped and licked along his skin and her hands skimmed the muscles of his abdomen as she slid them down to the skin just above the waistband of his jeans. He went completely slack, letting her drive them along. The only sound in the room – in the whole house, really – was their breathing, rapid and hitched, and when Meredith started to unfasten his jeans, he sucked in his breath and held it. She wouldn't be deterred, but Derek was determined to feel the silky softness of her skin and so he brought his hands up beneath the ends of her hair and skilfully unfastened her bra, letting the straps slide of their own accord down her rounded shoulders.

Derek grinned at her, the smile reaching his eyes, crinkling them as he took in her flushed face and the hair that floated around it like a halo.

"You thought I'd never get the hint, didn't you?" he asked in a low voice and then chuckled.

Meredith smiled coyly and reached up to pull the cups of her bra away, revealing the perfect roundness of her breasts. Her nipples strained towards him, but he chose to prolong the inevitable and instead of closing his mouth over them or teasingly brushing them with the pad of his thumb, he skimmed his hands over her sides, leaving her shivering and breathless. He hooked his thumbs under the waistband of her jeans, pulling her towards him without warning, causing their bodies to collide and her nipples to brush against his chest. It was a thrill and he almost gave in and did what they both wanted him to, but instead, his hands drifted down to her thighs and he brought one of her legs up and moulded her body to his, pressing his erection against her, leaving her with no doubt as to where they stood. And then his mouth found the enticing curve of her neck and he inhaled her: the smell of her skin, the feel of it beneath his lips and tongue and teeth, and the way that she tasted, sweet and slightly salty.

Meredith let out a whimper of surprise and a moan of frustration as Derek's mouth and hands continued to tease her without assuaging any of her pain, and she wound her fingers in his hair, tugging on his now out-of-control curls, guiding his mouth lower and lower, closer and closer, until his mouth found her nipple and closed around it, gently tugging on it until Meredith was nearly weeping.

"Derek," she said, over and over again, chanting his name, pushing towards him, seeking a place to come together with him. Fortunately, the size of the room, which she had feared on the first day of their visit, was conducive to her quest and they toppled together onto the double bed, not breaking contact with each other. They were still clothed from the waist down, and this proved to be a frustration for both of them that they were keen to obliterate, so they parted only momentarily, shedding what remained of their clothing before coming back together.

Derek felt the urgency that Meredith had earlier and his hands roamed everywhere at once, wanting to touch and feel every part of her and have her do the same. Meredith happily obliged and when she started to slide down the bed, there was a look of determination in her eyes that left him breathless. But he was adamant that their lovemaking not be one-sided and so he squirmed away from her, which left her frowning in his wake. But he quickly silenced her protests with a kiss that left both of them dazed, panting, and desperately wanting. When they parted, he moved quickly, repositioning himself so that he was looking up at her from the foot of the bed. Meredith's skin was flushed and damp and he slid his hand between her legs, finding her wet and slick. His fingers gathered some of the moisture, lubricating them. He slid one inside her and she immediately contracted around it; surprised at how quickly it happened, her eyes widened and she let out a soft moan. Derek smiled and raised himself a little on his elbows, then tugged Meredith down so that he had access to her clit with his mouth. He let his tongue slide along the crease, between her folds, from top to bottom and Meredith gasped. She shivered, her entire body shuddering as she tried to restrain her body's reaction to his touch.

He spoke against her and the vibrations of his words left her trembling.

"What do you want, Mer?" he asked her.

She shook her head, unable to speak, nearly incoherent. She twisted towards him, just slightly and he felt the wet warmth of her mouth on him, and her tongue teased him mercilessly. Derek nearly passed out as his nerves carried the incredible sensation along, leaving his entire body tingling and charged. He increased the force and pace of his ministrations and smiled in delight and a sort of macho pride as Meredith reached out and grasped fistfuls of the sheets in her fingers. Somehow, he found a reserve of self-control and managed to reach out to link his fingers with his, pulling them away from the sheets and giving her a new anchor, and in the process giving himself one as well. He continued to use his mouth and tongue against her and finally, he felt her release building to a point of no return. He pulled away just prior to when she would lose control and smiled at her. Her eyes were half-closed, lust-filled, desirous, darker than he would ever have imagined her pale green eyes could be. She took him in her mouth again, intent on pushing him over the edge and he groaned as he felt his own release to be imminent.

"Meredith…" he hissed. "Mer, please."

Her tongue swirled and dipped and slid.

"God, Mer," he panted. He screwed his eyes closed, fought, fought, fought to hold on.

And then she released him. The lack of warm, wet pressure from her mouth left him disconcerted and he almost cried at the sudden loss of sensation. But Meredith took pity on him, or they took pity on each other, he wasn't sure which. Either way, he was between her legs and then he was plunging, deeper, deeper, until he couldn't push forward any further. She was tight and warm and wet and wanting, and he pushed the damp hair away from her face and met her eyes before he started thrusting. In and out and his hips flexed and her thighs stretched to accommodate him. Her hands roamed over his back and then lower and she gripped his ass with her fingernails, digging them into the skin and they bit into him. He didn't care. He was nearly mindless and he pushed and she moaned. He pushed again and she let out a half-sob, half-laugh. Push and pull as her hands pulled him into her, encouraging him to a depth he'd never thought he could reach. And then he felt her tremble and clench around him and pump him. He groaned, and the sound of it bounced off the walls in the tiny bedroom with the bed that would be much too small if it wasn't perfect to accommodate them like this.

Meredith cried out as she came and he kept moving, driving harder until she orgasmed a second time and then a third. On her final intense clenching motion, he released into her, and then collapsed, breathless and spent.

He stayed above her and inside her until he took pity on her for bearing his weight and pulled out, rolling off to her side.

It took them some time to catch their breath and Derek drew her to his side, burying his face in her soft, silky hair.

"Thank God your mom wasn't here," Meredith sighed and he chuckled.

"Are you kidding me? She was encouraging you!"

Meredith grinned and found his free hand. She traced patterns on his upturned palm and rested her head against his shoulder.

"Are you thirsty?" he asked her. "Or, do you want some more wine or something? I can see if there's anything down there for dessert…"

"Did you work up an appetite?" she teased him. "Or are you trying to make an escape?"

"Neither," he said soberly. "I have no intention of leaving you, Mer. Ever."

"I know that," she said softly, reaching over to trace the tip of her index finger along his lower lip. "Me either."

"Good," he smiled. "So?"

"Wine would be nice," she said. "But water first."

He grinned. "Okay. I'll be right back."

She watched him as he climbed out of bed, taking in his glorious naked body. He turned as he searched for a t-shirt and caught her ogling him. He grinned and winked at her, before proceeding to make a show of it, parading around the bedroom for her. Meredith snorted with laughter, but made a point of telling him what a great ass he had, and great legs and arms and the sexiest smile and how she wished he'd just hurry up already so that they could spend the rest of the night in bed.

He moved in a flash and left the room behind as he nearly jumped down the stairs in his quest for nourishment and the wine and water he'd promised.

He didn't notice Elizabeth until he was halfway through the living room and out of the corner of his eye, he saw the tell-tale glow of an iPod screen. He turned and his mother turned on the lamp beside her, and then pulled the earbuds out of her ears.

"Handy little things, aren't they?" she asked him, her grin matching his most mischievous ones. "Of course," Elizabeth continued. "It's rather unfortunate that they decreased the volume on these things. You can still hear everything."

Derek stammered, his mouth opening and closing in shock until his mother laughed.

"Julie forgot it here," she said. "Which is just as well. I'm going to go stay with them tonight." She winked at Derek. "I'd wish you a good night, but I don't think that's necessary, do you?"

He shook his head, blushing even as a grin spread from ear to ear. Outside a car horn blared and Elizabeth got up and headed for the door.

"I'll see you in the morning," Elizabeth said. "Or, by the sound of it, late afternoon?" She chuckled at his expression before she left, leaving him to retrieve the wine.


	11. Chapter 11

A golden light filled the bedroom, warming it and Derek's eyelids until he opened them and turned his head, expecting to find the space beside him empty. But Meredith lay tucked against him, snoring softly. He breathed a sigh of relief and lifted his head, bending forward to kiss her shoulder. He lay beside her for a long time, listening to the sound of the street waking up outside the window, and to Meredith's breathing. Finally, she scrunched up her nose and blinked awake. It took her a moment to wake up and when she noticed him watching her, she smiled tentatively. 

"Hi," he whispered, leaning forward again, this time to brush her lips with his.

"Morning," Meredith mumbled sleepily. She turned slightly and buried her face in his chest. "What time is it?"

Derek turned his head to consult the alarm clock on the nightstand. "A little past eight," he told her.

Meredith moaned softly.

"Did I wear you out?" he asked, smirking.

Meredith's lips twitched. "I think it was the other way around."

"Ah," Derek conceded. "Maybe. Can we just say that it was mutual, though?"

"Do you have a reputation to uphold or something?" Meredith laughed.

"Mmm," he answered noncommittally.

"Oh God," Meredith groaned suddenly.

"What?" Derek asked, alarmed.

"Your mom."

"What about her?"

"Well, she must have come in at some point. There's no way that she didn't hear anything."

"She had Julie's iPod," Derek admitted.

Meredith's eyes widened. "What?" she gasped.

He sighed. "When I went downstairs, she was there."

"She knew?" Meredith asked, sitting up in bed. The top sheet fell away from her, leaving her exposed to him. He grinned at the sight of her, naked beside him.

"Stop it," she hissed, yanking up the covers. "You cannot ogle me when you've just told me that your mother heard us having sex!"

Derek shook his head. "Relax, Mer. I told you, she had Julie's iPod. She didn't hear anything."

"She wouldn't have been using Julie's iPod if she didn't hear anything!" Meredith protested.

"Mer, it's fine. She doesn't care."

"Your poor mom. The batteries in those things don't last all night!"

Derek smirked. "I wasn't the one who kept wanting another go."

Meredith snorted. "I didn't hear you saying no."

He sighed. "Meredith, she went to stay with Kathleen last night. We've been alone all night."

He watched as Meredith frowned and then reached over to punch him in the bicep. "You could have told me that!" she fumed.

He grinned. "It was kind of fun watching you freak out."

She glared at him, and then moved away, gathering the covers around her as she got up out of the bed.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked her, watching her pad across the bedroom. "Meredith, come on, I was just teasing you!"

"I'm going to take a shower," she said, opening the bedroom door.

"I like that idea," he said.

She stopped in the doorway. "You," she said. "Are staying right where you are. I mean it. I can't believe you let me think your poor mom was forced to listen to us having sex all night."

"Meredith!" he whined.

She shook her head. "I'll teach you to play games with me," she muttered.

Derek sighed and flopped back on the bed as she disappeared around the corner. A minute later, he heard the water in the shower start and he couldn't stop his brain from loading images of Meredith under the warm spray, the bubbles from the shampoo sliding down her wet curves, coating her nipples, down her flat abdomen, between her legs…

He sprang up from the bed and decided that he'd make her forget that she'd issued him a command to stay where he was.

The bathroom was filled with steam and he crept into it as quietly as possibly, then slipped out of the boxers he'd finally pulled on at some point in the middle of the night when he'd had to venture downstairs to get more water.

"You don't listen very well," she said from behind the glass enclosure.

"You're really objecting?" he asked, sliding the doors open. She was exactly as he'd imagined her a few minutes earlier, and her green eyes were wide and filled with lust.

"Derek, she might be back any minute."

"I'll take my chances," he said in a low voice, and stepped into the shower with her.

* * *

He ended up spending twenty minutes mopping up all the water they'd displaced in the bathroom, but considered it time well spent. While he cleaned, Meredith dressed and ventured downstairs to make coffee. When Derek found her in the kitchen, she was sitting at the table, her hands wrapped around a coffee mug, inhaling deeply. She looked lost in thought and nearly jumped when he entered the room.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, retrieving his own mug. He was fairly certain he knew the answer, but felt some perverse need to hear it from her.

"We didn't use anything," she said, avoiding his eyes. "Not once."

"No," he acknowledged. "We didn't."

"I could be…"

"Would that be the worst thing in the world?"

He sat across from her at the table, and tried not to cringe at how she kept her eyes fixed to the tabletop. Finally, she looked up and he tried not to cringe at the look in her eyes.

"I don't know if I can do it again, Derek."

He swallowed the scalding coffee that he'd just taken a sip of, amazed at how even though he'd just had liquid in it, his mouth felt dry.

"Ever?" he asked, carefully.

She squirmed beneath his gaze. "I don't know," she admitted.

"Oh."

Meredith sighed. "I don't know, Derek. I'm not saying that I'm going to feel this way forever, but right now… I do. I'm sorry. I know that it's not what you want to hear."

"You can't help the way that you feel," he said.

"No."

"But Mer, I can't imagine that we'll never…" he stopped himself, a lump rising in his throat. He shook his head, forced it down, and continued. "You know, Addison and I never seriously considered it. We talked about it, but we had other things that we wanted to accomplish first. She wasn't ready to become a mother, and to be honest, I wasn't ready to be anyone's father. I was having a good time. I was a rising star in my field, and we had a good life. We would go to fancy restaurants for dinner, have a bottle of fine wine, see a theatre show, hang out with Mark … we had the life that I wanted then. And then one day, I woke up. Mark and Addison woke me up, I suppose. And you woke me up. And the life that I wanted wasn't the one that I was living. I want a family, Meredith. You know that. I want a family with you. I think that we have so much to offer our children. You are going to be an amazing mother. You're compassionate and kind and generous and warm."

"Derek," she said, cutting him off. "That's all wonderful, and I don't even know what to say about the praise that you give me, but it doesn't change the fact that losing our baby scarred me. It did something to me and I can't just pretend that it didn't, and that we can just go on."

"We were going on," he protested. "We _are_!"

She pursed her lips. "We're trying, Derek. I'm happy and relieved that we're trying, but us having so much sex in your mother's house that it drives her out of it doesn't mean that everything is fine. I'm not fixed, Derek. It still hurts."

Derek pushed his coffee cup aside, and got up from his chair. He knelt beside his wife, pulling her towards him. "Meredith," he sighed against her neck. "It still hurts me, too. It just happened. I don't expect us to just be normal right away. I don't know if we ever really will. But Mer, remember when we found out that you were pregnant? Do you remember how happy we were? God, you… you just lit up. And I felt like the luckiest man in the world. You and I made a child. We were going to be parents together. I know that this has been the most painful experience of your life – of mine, too – but it's also been the most joyous."

He pulled back and watched her carefully, hoping for a sign of agreement, but Meredith still looked crushed.

"It doesn't have to be today," he finally said, releasing her.

"It might be," she said, the worried look returning.

He picked up her hand; he rubbed her knuckles with the pad of his thumb, and brought her hand to his lips.

"Then we'll deal with it," he said against her soft skin.

She started to say something else, but the sound of the front door opening stalled her words. They moved apart, as though they'd been caught _in flagrante_.

"Derek? Meredith?" came Elizabeth's voice.

Derek cleared his throat and stood, striding into the entryway of the house.

"Hey," he greeted his mom.

"Oh, good, you're dressed."

Derek chuckled. "Mom, really."

"I'm just saying," Elizabeth said. "I'm glad you're both up, though. Kathleen asked if I could watch the little ones because they both have to work and Julie has practice."

"Oh," Derek said. His mom thrust Kathleen's youngest, Liam, into his arms. Liam squirmed and looked up at Derek with the same dark blue eyes that was so prevalent in the Shepherd family. Liam smiled lopsidedly at Derek and reached up to pull at Derek's dark waves of hair.

"Oh, Mom," Derek started to protest. Nevertheless, he was enthralled by the boy's slight weight in his arms, at his powdery smell and the way that his little face was lit up.

"Oh, relax, Derek," Elizabeth chuckled. "He's just a little boy."

"I haven't even met this one!" Derek protested.

"What, do you need a formal introduction?" Elizabeth asked. "Derek, this is your nephew, Liam. Liam, this big fool is your uncle Derek."

Derek sighed. "No, Mom. It's just… Mer's in the kitchen and I don't know if she's up for babysitting today."

"I didn't ask her to babysit," Elizabeth retorted. She knelt to help Liam's sister, five-year-old Katie, out of her rubber boots. "Now, can you please set up the playpen for Liam? I'm going to get Katie settled with her colouring books in the kitchen."

She started towards the other room and Derek was left with no choice but to do as he was asked.

Once Derek had settled Liam into his playpen, he knelt beside it and spoke to the nephew he'd never met. It was a little unnerving at first to speak to someone who had no ability to reply, but he found that the responses that Liam did give him were more rewarding. The little boy smiled and giggled when Derek played peek-a-boo with him and gurgled happily when Derek handed him one of the soft books he found in Liam's diaper bag. He was so engaged with his sister's youngest child that he didn't notice Meredith enter the living room and stand watching him in silence for several minutes.

"He likes you," she observed quietly. Derek looked up in surprise.

"Oh," he said.

"You're good with him," Meredith said. She sat down next to Derek and watched Liam try to eat the corner of his book. She shivered and Derek tore his eyes away from Liam to look at his wife.

"Do you all have those eyes?" she wondered.

"Nancy doesn't," he winked.

Meredith shook her head. "It's a little unnerving," she admitted. "I wonder…"

"I always thought she'd have your eyes," Derek said quietly, correctly guessing her thought.

Meredith bit her lip and nodded. "Maybe," she agreed. "But yours do seem to be dominant in this family."

Derek shook his head. "Your eyes," he insisted.

"Your smile," she told him.

"Your laugh."

"Your hair," Meredith said. She reached up and ran her fingers through it, and then sighed. "I feel like I'm denying you something. I don't want to do that, Derek. I want you to have whatever you want. But I don't know if I can give it to you."

"You're what I want."

She smiled softly. "I know. But you also want this. You want a child."

He couldn't deny it. They'd established as much earlier, but he hated the look in her eyes, as though she'd disappointed him, and expected him to walk away.

"Meredith…" he started.

"I'm going to take a walk," Meredith said. She started for the door.

"Mer," he protested.

"Derek, please. I won't go far, okay? I just need some fresh air."

He nodded reluctantly. "Okay, Mer."

* * *

The cool air whipped against Meredith's face as she neared the bottom of the sidewalk in front of Elizabeth's home, and turned left to walk down the street. She had grabbed Derek's jacket – the most easily accessible one -- when she was heading out the door and she was drowning in the extra fabric, but thankful for it. Now, she stuck her hands into the pockets for warmth and was surprised when her fingers closed around his cell phone. She frowned and then without giving herself time to talk herself out of it, she dialled Cristina's number, praying that her friend would be around to answer the call.

Cristina's voice came on the line, groggy and disoriented.

"Crap," Meredith said. "You were sleeping."

"I was," Cristina confirmed. "And now I'm not. Thanks."

"Sorry," Meredith apologized.

"Whatever," Cristina said. "Just tell me what you want so that I can go back to sleep."

"Derek and I had sex," Meredith blurted out.

"Okay," Cristina said. "Thanks for sharing."

"No," Meredith said with a heavy sigh. "Cristina, Derek and I had sex."

"I'm not following you, Mer. You guys have a lot of sex. More sex than I'm currently having, at least," she grumbled.

"The kind of sex where I think I could be pregnant," Meredith moaned. "And that? Is not a good thing. It's very much a not good thing, actually. Pretty much a bad thing. A very bad thing. A horrible, terrifyingly bad thing. A --."

"I get it," Cristina interrupted. "It's a bad thing."

Meredith moaned. "A very bad thing."

Cristina was silent.

"What?" Meredith snapped.

"I didn't say anything."

"You were thinking something."

Cristina sighed. "I think you want one."

"No," Meredith objected immediately. "I don't think I do. I can't. I can't do it again, Cristina. I can't."

She sighed again. "Haven't you ever heard the expression 'No glove, no love'?"

"Cristina…"

"I'm just saying, Mer. I think you want to get pregnant again. If you didn't, you wouldn't have let him within five hundred feet of you without his raincoat on."

"No, it's not that. We just missed each other."

There was a long silence.

"Cristina?" Meredith checked.

"So, you haven't had sex?"

"No," Meredith confirmed with a sigh. "Not since before we found out."

"It hasn't been that long," Cristina reasoned.

"It feels like it was a lifetime ago," Meredith said with a sigh. "I feel so tired and like I've aged so much in the last couple of weeks. And then, it seems like it was yesterday, too. Like I can close my eyes and I'm back there, and Dr. Briscombe is telling us that there's no chance; there's nothing they can do, and we just have to accept that our daughter is going to die."

"Mer," Cristina said with an uncharacteristic softness to her tone. "Have you talked to Derek about this?"

Meredith wiped her hand across her eyes, brushing away fresh tears. In the last day, she'd finally started to hope that the tears were a thing of the past; she'd begun to hope that she'd be able to get through at least one day without them. She sniffled pitifully. "He knows that I'm not doing so well."

"Have you told him that you're afraid to have another child?" Cristina clarified.

"Yes. He knows."

"And he's pushing you?" Cristina's voice took on a different tone now; she was ready to do battle on Meredith's behalf.

Meredith sighed. "It's not that. It's just… I love him so much, Cristina. How can I deny him the one thing he wants more than anything else? How do we get past this? He wants something that I'm not sure that I do any more. And even if I do, I'm not sure that I can give it to him. Maybe losing her was a sign that this isn't meant to happen for us."

"That's crap," Cristina said bluntly. "And you know it. Be afraid if you're afraid, Meredith, but don't start spouting that crap about how it's not meant to be. It was a freak thing. You know as well as I do, and as well as Derek does that the chances of it happening again are next to non-existent. I get that you're afraid, but it's not a goddamn sign."

"I dream about her," Meredith said softly. "I dream about holding her and how Derek's face lights up when he sees her. She has his eyes. All the time, in my dreams. We talked about that today, about whose eyes she would have had. He thinks mine, but in my dreams, they're always his."

"You know that I'm a surgeon, right?" Cristina asked. "I'm not a shrink, Mer."

"You're my person."

"Yes, I am," Cristina agreed. "So as your person, I reserve the right to tell you things that you don't want to hear. I think you need to talk to somebody about this."

"That's what I'm doing."

"Okay, you did not just say that to me," Cristina sighed. "You know what I meant, Meredith."

"Yeah," Meredith admitted.

"And you need to be talking to your husband right now. Where are you, anyway?"

"Walking."

"Where's Derek?"

"Babysitting." Meredith almost laughed bitterly. "His sister's kids. He and his mom are babysitting, and I'm walking."

"You're running away."

"I am not. I'm walking. Quickly."

"Turn around and walk back."

"Seriously?" Meredith asked skeptically. "You're not telling me to keep walking? You?"

"You're my person, too," Cristina said. "And unless you turn around and deal with this, I'm not going to get my person back. Maybe I'm selfish, I don't know. But you need to turn around and walk back, Meredith. If you don't, you're going to be running away forever."

There was a beep and Meredith frowned, pulling the phone away from her ear to glance at the screen.

"There's another call," Meredith told Cristina.

"Did you really think he'd let you get too far?" Cristina asked.

"No," Meredith admitted after a second of silence.

"Exactly," Cristina said. "I'm going back to bed."

"Sorry."

"You'll make it up to me."

Meredith switched lines and closed her eyes briefly.

"Derek?" she said into the receiver.

"Mer, please…"

"I'm coming back," she said.


	12. Chapter 12

The baby looked up at Derek with his blue eyes and grinned delightedly. He reached for the teething ring that Derek held in his hand and, upon clutching it, brought it down to his mouth and chewed thoughtfully.

"He likes you," Elizabeth observed, returning from the kitchen where she'd set up Katie with her crayons and colouring books.

"They all like me," Derek grinned.

Elizabeth shook her head. "As modest as ever. You get that from your father, by the way."

Derek chuckled and leaned over the baby to coo at him.

"Where did Meredith go?" Elizabeth asked, looking around the living room as if she might materialize.

Derek didn't look up from the baby. "She needed some space. Mom?" He looked up now. "Did you do this on purpose?"

Elizabeth frowned. "Of course not. I will admit that the thought crossed my mind that maybe Meredith needs to start looking towards the future, but I certainly didn't agree to babysit in some attempt to jump start your family, Derek."

"I didn't say that," he said quietly. "It upset her, that's all."

Elizabeth sighed. "I'm sorry. I'll speak to her, if you'd like."

Derek shook his head. "No. We need to deal with this. I know that. I just don't want to push her."

Elizabeth started to respond, but the door opened and Meredith stepped through it. Her skin was wind-burned and she looked chilled, but she smiled at them, tentatively.

"Hi," she said softly, shrugging off Derek's jacket and hanging it where she'd found it earlier.

"I'm going to go see if Katie needs a snack," Elizabeth said, and slipped out of the room.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked, lifting his eyes away from Liam to look at her.

"It took me by surprise," Meredith admitted. She crossed the room to where he sat with Liam. "I guess it should have been obvious." She exhaled slowly. "How are you okay, Derek?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper.

"I'm not," he answered honestly. "But this is life, Mer."

She looked over at the baby.

"How old is he?" she asked.

"Eight months," Derek answered. He made a face at Liam and got a grin in response.

"So, you missed all of it – your sister's pregnancy, the first eight months of his life…"

"It tends to happen," Derek shrugged. "I missed a lot of things in the last eighteen months. But I don't regret one moment."

"Really?" Meredith asked doubtfully. "Nothing?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Not even walking in on Addison and Mark?"

Derek fell silent, and Meredith watched him nervously, wondering if she'd crossed a line.

"Not even that," he answered finally.

Meredith took a breath. "Not even losing our baby?"

He flinched. "No, Mer." He handed Liam back the teething ring he'd discarded and moved to sit next to Meredith on the couch. "I wish things had turned out differently. Of course I do. But I don't regret that you were pregnant. I won't ever regret that. Do you?"

She took a moment to respond. "I called Cristina."

He nodded, as though unsurprised by this information.

"I was kind of freaking out a little bit," Meredith admitted.

"Yeah," he agreed without judgment.

"We had sex, Derek."

"Yes."

"We didn't use a condom. And I'm not back on the pill."

"I know, Mer. It's not like this didn't occur to me."

"But you're okay with it."

"It's done," he said. "If you're pregnant again, we'll deal with it. If not, then we'll deal with that."

"What if I am and I don't want to be?" she asked. "What if it's too much?"

"Is it?"

"I don't know!" she said, getting up suddenly and pacing the small living room. "Cristina thinks I want one," she revealed.

Derek was silent.

"What are you thinking?" she asked finally, the silence unnerving her.

"I think that she knows you better than anyone else."

"Except you," Meredith said.

"Sometimes, I think including me," Derek replied. "What would make Cristina think that you want a baby?"

Meredith shrugged uncomfortably. "I don't know. She said that she doesn't think that I would have had sex with you if I wasn't willing to chance getting pregnant. She says that I'd have stopped it, and made sure we were using something."

"It's not just your responsibility."

"No, it is, Derek. If I'm not ready for this, I should have stopped us."

"So, you want to try again?" he asked, confused.

"I don't know what I want, Derek. I'm …"

"Afraid," he guessed.

She nodded miserably. "Aren't you?"

"Statistically, our odds aren't that much greater than they were of having an anencephalic…"

"I know the odds, Derek," Meredith said, cutting him off. "That's not what I'm asking you. Are you scared?"

Derek looked down at Liam. "Nothing that has been worth anything in my life has come without risk, Meredith. We shouldn't even be together. I torpedoed us the first time around. Wasn't it scary for you to trust me again?"

"Yes," she admitted quietly. "But that's different. Nobody died."

"No," he agreed. "I lived."

Meredith sighed. "It just freaked me out, realizing that I could be. I'm probably getting all worked up for nothing."

"Yeah." Derek smiled down at Liam. "He's asleep," he told Meredith. She looked at the baby for the first time, really looked at him.

"He's beautiful," she said. She scooted closer to Derek and tentatively stretched her hand out to touch Liam's hair. He didn't fuss at all at the contact and Meredith smoothed his curls.

"Do you want to hold him?" Derek asked.

Her eyes widened. "Oh, no. He's sleeping. I don't want to disturb him."

"You won't," he promised her. Carefully, Derek scooped Liam up from his playpen and placed him in Meredith's arms. She stiffened immediately.

"Come on," he coaxed her. "I've seen you do this in the nursery at work." He winked at her.

Meredith blushed. "You saw?"

"Uh huh. I know that you go up there when you're overwhelmed and stressed. I also know that you're a natural at this."

Meredith bit her lip. "But…"

"He's a baby, Mer. He's happy just to be held. He doesn't expect anything else from you."

"Okay," she said softly. She adjusted Liam in her arms and smiled down at him. "God, he feels amazing,' she breathed.

"Yeah," Derek agreed. "Mer?"

"Hmmm?" she asked, unable to tear her eyes away from Liam.

"I don't expect anything else from you, either."

She nodded. "Thank you," she whispered.

* * *

Meredith remained with Liam on the couch until the baby woke and began squirming in her arms. Derek rescued her, cradling Liam against his chest and talking softly to him while he wore a path in Elizabeth's carpet. Then he changed and fed Liam and settled back into an armchair with his nephew.

"You're really wonderful with him," Meredith observed.

"Uncle Derek was a popular babysitter," came a voice from the doorway. Meredith turned to find Kathleen in the doorway.

"Kath," Derek said, standing abruptly and jarring Liam out of his nap. The baby began to cry and Kathleen stretched her arms out toward him. Derek returned his nephew to her and stepped away. He sat next to Meredith and laced his fingers together with hers, and soothed her with the comforting circles he rubbed over her back. His motions sent the message that he wanted her to stay with him, and so Meredith complied, although every cell in her body wanted to disappear.

"My meeting ended early," Kathleen said. "Where's Katie?"

"Colouring with Mom."

Kathleen nodded and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Listen, while I have you here, I wanted to apologize for earlier. We were out of line."

"Are you apologizing for Nancy?" Derek asked.

Kathleen hesitated and then nodded. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Not good enough," Derek said, his jaw set.

"Derek, come on."

"No, Kathy. She was completely in the wrong."

"I know that," Kathleen answered.

"Do you?" he challenged his sister.

"Derek," Meredith said softly, raising her hand and placing it on his chest in an attempt to soothe and settle him.

"No, Mer," he said, turning to her, his eyes dark and stormy. "If Nancy wants to apologize, Nancy should come here and apologize. To you," he added.

"She doesn't have to," Meredith said softly.

"Of course she does."

"Derek, she really does feel awful," Kathleen supplied.

"Then why isn't she here?"

Kathleen sighed. "She doesn't feel very welcome. None of us do, I suppose."

Derek shook his head. "I wasn't trying to shut you out, but the four of you made your feelings clear with all of your not-so-subtle digging to determine Meredith's motives for marrying me. Which is actually pretty insulting to me, come to think of it."

"Derek, come on. We didn't mean it like that. We were just worried. You seemed to be turned inside out after Addison and Mark."

"Because I was," he told his sister. "But don't you understand, Kathy? Meredith, she – she's the one who made me happy again. Why can't you just accept that?"

Meredith squirmed uncomfortably. "You know what?" she asked. "I think I'm going to go see if your mom needs help with anything."

"Please stay, Meredith," Kathleen said softly, surprising both of them. She sighed again. "Look, Derek… I can't change what we said or how you felt. And apparently, I can't apologize for Nancy. But I can apologize for myself, and so I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't give Meredith the benefit of the doubt. I think I'm pretty good at assessing people and situations – it's kind of a hazard of the job – and I can see how much you love each other. But I won't lie when I say this: I also get the feeling that something is taking its toll on both of you, and if that's how we've behaved, then I feel awful. I'm really sorry, both of you."

Meredith stiffened again, and looked desperately towards the kitchen, as if sensing what was coming. Her hand was still clasped in Derek's and he could feel her pulse quicken, as rapid as a jackrabbit's who was about to dash away in terror.

Derek sighed and brought their joined hands to his lips; he kissed her knuckles and then released her hand. "Could you let Mom know that Kathleen is here to pick up the kids?" he asked.

Meredith nodded and tried not to run from the room.

When she was gone, Derek turned to Kathleen.

"I would really appreciate it if you would call off the firing squad," he said quietly.

Kathleen cringed. "Derek, we didn't mean to hurt her, really."

"I know," he said. He rubbed at the stubble on his face and closed his eyes. He felt tired and older than his thirty-nine years. "She can't handle it right now, and frankly, neither can I."

Kathleen was blessedly – and yet unnervingly – silent.

"Derek?" she finally prompted.

"We lost the baby."

Kathleen exhaled. "Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Meredith miscarried?"

Derek shook his head. "No. Uh, we, we decided not to continue with the pregnancy."

He dared himself to look up and found a mirror in his sister's blue eyes, shining with tears.

"I don't understand," Kathleen finally said. "What happened? What was wrong?"

Slowly, haltingly, Derek started to explain the diagnosis. Kathleen was silent until he finished speaking, his voice clogged with tears.

When he stopped speaking, Kathleen moved towards him and knelt in front of him as he sat on the couch. Gently, she pulled him forward to embrace him and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I know how excited and happy you were."

Derek pulled back, tears pooling in his eyes, but refusing to spill over.

"Do you?" he managed. "Because I don't think that I did, even."

Kathleen frowned. "I know, Der."

He sighed a shuddering breath.

"God, and Meredith… Nancy…" Kathleen shook her head. "I'm so sorry, Derek. I feel awful for the way we've treated her. I'm going to talk to Nancy, okay?"

Derek shook his head. "Please don't," he requested.

Kathleen frowned again. "I don't understand," she said. "Derek, she didn't mean to be so cruel, and once she knows…"

"I don't want her pity!" Derek exclaimed. "And neither does Meredith."

Kathleen nodded and backed off. "Okay," she said. "Okay. But you're going to tell them, aren't you?"

Derek shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I could hardly tell you."

"Derek, we're your family. I know that we've acted like assholes lately, but we love you. And Meredith."

He smiled bitterly at this. "No, you don't."

"Well, we _could_," Kathleen asserted. "If you're willing to give us the chance."

"It's not really up to me."

"No, of course," Kathleen agreed. She reached up to squeeze her brother's shoulder.

"Kath?" he asked after a moment of silence during which she moved to sit beside him on the couch.

"Yeah?"

"She's afraid. To… to try again."

"Derek?"

"Hmmm?"

"Are you asking for my professional advice, or my sisterly advice?"

"Is there a difference?" he asked.

Kathleen thought about this for a moment. "In this case? No."

"Okay, then."

"Be patient," she said. "She can't be ready any faster than she's able to be."

"What if it never happens?" he asked her.

"You need to be prepared for that possibility," she told him frankly. "And you have to decide if you're willing to accept that or not. Meredith can't decide that for you any more than you can decide for her if she's willing to risk losing another child, Derek."

"Liam's adorable," he told her.

Kathleen laughed. "He's an adorable handful. Feel free to babysit him any time you're feeling the need to try out parenthood."

"I live on the other side of the country, Kathy."

"Even better," she grinned.

* * *

Meredith found Elizabeth in the kitchen, filling in the free page of Katie's colouring book while the little girl frowned in concentration during her attempt to stay in the lines on her page.

"Um," Meredith said, hovering in the entrance. "Kathleen is here to pick up the kids."

"Mommy!" Katie said, dropping her crayon.

"Katie, help Grandma clean up the crayons," Elizabeth instructed her granddaughter.

Katie dutifully gathered as many crayons as she could and dumped them into the box.

They continued to gather crayons and Meredith helped, picking up the ones which had rolled off of the table and onto the floor.

"He's telling Kathleen," she said softly, for Elizabeth's benefit.

Elizabeth reached down and touched Meredith's shoulder. It was comforting and tears sprang to Meredith's eyes. She sniffled.

"Oh, dear," Elizabeth sighed. "Come on, now. Sit down, I'll make some tea."

She held out a chair for Meredith and Meredith collapsed gratefully into it.

"Do you want him to keep it a secret?" Elizabeth finally asked, after Katie had finished cleaning up her crayons and had darted from the room.

"No," Meredith said. She shook her head. "He needs to talk about it, too. I know that."

"But it upsets you."

"Everything is upsetting me today."

"Was it too soon?" Elizabeth asked knowingly. She sat in the chair opposite Meredith's.

"I – Oh," Meredith said. She blushed furiously. "I guess we were kind of loud. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Elizabeth said, brushing Meredith's concerns aside. "It's normal, and healthy. Probably healing for the two of you, as well."

"You'd think," Meredith said dryly.

Elizabeth arched an eyebrow.

"I don't know," Meredith said. "It was … I don't regret it, really. But we weren't careful, and now all I can think about is that I could be pregnant again. And I just… I don't know if I can deal with that. All of the what ifs. I don't know…"

"Nobody ever knows," Elizabeth confided. "Every pregnancy is different and brings with it its own challenges. Every time I was pregnant, those nerves would come back, even though by the third and fourth and fifth times, I was something of an old pro at it. But there was always something to be concerned about. But I knew that regardless of the risks, each pregnancy was a blessing. Meredith, I know that it's too new and raw for you to see it this way, but the child that you lost was a blessing, too. There are lessons in everything. I know that it sounds trite and almost patronizing, but everything really does happen for a reason. One day, it won't hurt so badly and you'll see what the reason for this loss was."

"Maybe," Meredith said, although she didn't sound entirely convinced.

"You know what I think?" Elizabeth asked.

Meredith shook her head.

"I think it's time for you and Derek to go home. Oh, don't get me wrong. I've loved having your company. But you need to get back to building your life together. Everything will work out as it's meant to."

"Maybe," Meredith agreed.

"But for tonight, why don't you and I have a nice cup of tea?" Elizabeth smiled.

"I'd like that," Meredith replied. She smiled at her mother-in-law. "Elizabeth?"

"Yes?"

"Holding Liam… he looks so much like Derek. I mean, at least what I imagine Derek looked like at that age."

Elizabeth smiled. "I suppose he does, a little. Would you like to see some pictures of Derek from when he was a baby?"

Meredith swallowed anxiously, but then nodded. "Yes."

"My children would laugh," Elizabeth confided in her. "They'd say that I found myself a willing victim for the albums."

"Well, that's fine," Meredith answered. "I'm more than willing."

* * *

The Seattle rain fell in fat, heavy drops and by the time they reached Derek's car in the airport parking lot, both of them were drenched. "Did you put the carry-ons in the trunk too?" Meredith asked as Derek slid into the driver's seat and pulled out of the parking lot.

"Yeah, why?"

"I can't stand these wet clothes."

Derek glanced over at her. "Do you want me to stop and get your suitcase?" he asked her.

She shook her head. "No, there's no sense in you getting more wet."

"Are you sure?" he checked. "I don't mind."

She smiled softly and reached over to touch his cheek. "Thank you, but it's okay. Really."

Derek nodded and pushed back his wet hair with his free hand while he kept the other on the steering wheel and moved into traffic.

After a few minutes of silence, he spoke. "Are you sure you're ready to be back?"

Meredith smiled. "It's a little late now, Derek."

He chuckled softly. "Well, we don't have to stay here. We can go hide out somewhere. Preferrably somewhere with sunshine. How about Aruba?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. I think… I think it's good that we're back. We need to be back. I want to go back to work."

He glanced over at her. "You do?"

"Yes. I need to. And so do you."

"Maybe," he agreed. They fell silent again, until they boarded the ferry to take them home.

"Do you want to go up on deck?" Derek asked her when they parked.

"Not really," she said. "I'm tired. I think I just want to rest for a while."

"Okay, Mer," Derek said. He settled back in his seat and reached over to play with her hair.

"Mer?" he murmured a minute later.

"Yeah?" she asked, her voice sleepy.

"I can't believe you stayed up half the night with my mom the other day, looking at those old photo albums."

"She said that you'd say that."

He laughed. "Well, we've seen them all a million times. But you, you're fresh blood. Still, you didn't have to sit there and look at all of them."

"I wanted to," Meredith said.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Because. I kind of got to know all of you. And…" she stopped herself.

"And?" he prompted her.

"I saw your baby pictures," Meredith revealed.

"Oh."

"I was right about Liam," she informed him. "Dead ringer for you as a baby."

Derek smiled. "We all kind of look the same, don't we?"

"It's kind of disconcerting," Meredith smiled. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were inbred."

"Meredith!"

"I'm kidding," she laughed. Her eyes were open now, bright and shining with a light he hadn't seen for weeks. On impulse, he leaned across the space between their seats and kissed her, pulling back before it frightened her. But she smiled and he breathed a sigh of relief. He lay back against his seat and closed his eyes and a moment later, he felt Meredith shift closer and rest her head on his shoulder. They stayed like that for the rest of the trip across the bay.

* * *

It was easier than either of them expected to fall back into their normal routine. Derek was backlogged at work, and Meredith was happy to return to the hospital, to get caught up in the surgical world and leave the unanswered questions about parenthood on the backburner for the time being. Still, every so often, the possibility that she'd become pregnant during their trip to New York nagged at her. She was introspective and withdrawn and Derek found it difficult to broach the subject, so he did as Kathleen suggested, and gave Meredith space.

Weeks after their return to Seattle, he was grilling a fresh fish for dinner when Meredith came out onto the desk of the trailer dressed in track pants and one of his t-shirts. She'd just emerged from the shower and her damp hair was loose and framing her face.

"I have my period," she said softly. Derek stopped what he was doing and turned to her. She looked pale and shaken and he immediately set the fork down and stepped towards her.

He was afraid to speak; he was cognizant of some precarious balance that hung in the air.

"I'm not," she said, and swallowed. She gestured. "I'm not… you know… I'm not."

"No," Derek said.

"No," she whispered. And then she began to cry.

Derek wasn't sure what to do. He was at a loss to say whether she was crying out of relief or disappointment and so he approached her cautiously, first cupping the back of her head with his hand, the wetness of her hair cool against his skin.

"Mer," he whispered back.

"I'm not, Derek," she said.

"I know," he said, even though he didn't; he couldn't begin to know.

He pulled her closer and carefully wrapped his arms around her. She buried her face in his shoulder even as she gasped for air and her nails dug into his shoulder as she clutched him to her.

"Derek…" she moaned.

"Shhh." He soothed her as best he could. "I know, Mer. I know."

He kissed the top of her head and held her against him, forgetting the fish on the grill; he forgot everything save for Meredith.

In time, he was able to lead her over to a deck chair and pull her into his lap. He rocked her until her tears subsided and she rested against him, silent except for slight, gut-wrenching sniffles.

"I'm not pregnant," she said after some time, her voice thin and fragile.

"No," he said softly. "You're not."

"I thought I was," she told him. "I really thought…"

"Maybe it's for the best," Derek said.

Meredith didn't agree or disagree. She just slumped against him and fell silent, and Derek did the same, leaving only the sizzling of the grill and the sound of the wind in the trees to distract them from their thoughts. 


	13. Chapter 13

"Shepherd?" 

Derek looked up from the stack of medical journals he was rooting through to find Miranda Bailey in his doorway. She leaned against the frame with her hip and peered in at him. If Derek didn't know Bailey any better, he'd almost say that she looked nervous.

"Hey, Bailey," he greeted her, pushing aside the article he'd been reading. "What can I do for you?"

Bailey shifted on the balls of her feet and pushed forward, the momentum easily carrying her into Derek's office. She shut the door behind her.

"Have you seen your wife today?" she asked him bluntly.

Derek blinked. "Uh... we came in together this morning, but aside from that, no." He frowned. "Is she okay?"

"Well, I wouldn't know that because I can't _find_ her!"

Derek sighed and rubbed at his eyes wearily.

"Did you page her?"

"Do I _look_ like a damn fool?" Bailey asked him. "Of course I paged her. Even paged her with a 911."

"Okay," Derek said. "I'll find her."

Bailey softened. "I know she's having a hard time, but if she wasn't ready to be back, she needed to say something."

Derek gave Miranda look. "You know she wouldn't do that."

"I swear to God, between her and Yang... and then I have those other damn fools on the other side, always so damn needy. I never thought I'd see the day when Karev is the one who needs the least attention."

Derek shook his head. "You know that they're not your interns any more, right?"

Bailey pursed her lips. "They're like children," she told him. "They'll always be mine."

"Yeah," Derek sighed.

"How are you doing?" Bailey asked gently, surprising him.

"Ah, I'm... you know. I'm still standing."

"Looking like a feather could knock you over."

"Yeah, well..."

Bailey nodded towards the stack of journals atop his desk. "I'm guessing those aren't for professional development."

Derek frowned. "They're neurological journals, Bailey. That's what I do."

"You think I don't know know what you're reading about?" she asked him. "Like any of us wouldn't do the same? We're built that way, Shepherd."

"I guess," he admitted. He sighed in frustration. "This is what I do," he repeated. "I'm good, Miranda. I'm one of the top neurosurgeons in this country."

She shook her head at him. "So? It's all different when it's one of your own. And you don't deal with anencephaly."

"No, but I've studied it."

"Oh, so you're going to come up with a cure, are you? Surgeons and their God complexes."

"You're a surgeon, too," Derek pointed out.

"Didn't say I wasn't," Bailey retorted. "And if I were in your shoes, I'd be scouring every medical journal I could find. Even if no journal in the world is going to tell me something that I don't already know. There's nothing that you could have done, Shepherd. It wasn't something that you did, or Meredith did. You know as well as I do that there are things that just happen, and we don't know why."

"She blames herself," Derek said, returning to his books.

"Of course she does," Bailey nodded. "That's what she does. You know that."

He didn't answer.

"You know that, Derek."

"Yeah."

"Is that why you're holed up in here, looking for a reason? To take away the guilt that she feels? Because that, you're _really_ not going to find in those journals."

His mouth was dry. He swallowed and turned the page.

"We thought she might be pregnant again. Did you know that?" he asked quietly.

"No," Bailey answered quietly. "I didn't. It's none of my business."

"When she realized that she isn't …" He shook his head. "You should have seen the look on her face. It was like we were going through everything all over again – losing her. Yang thinks she wants another baby."

"So, now you're letting Cristina Yang do your family planning?"

"No. But maybe she's right."

"What does Meredith have to say about that?"

He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "She's afraid. So I'm…"

"You're looking to give her a reason to not be afraid," Bailey guessed.

"I guess I am."

She studied him for a moment. "I'll let you get back to it then," she said.

He thanked her.

"She's probably in the nursery," he said when Bailey was almost at the door.

"I figured," she told him. "I just thought I'd come have a chat with you."

* * *

"Hey," Alex greeted Meredith, coming around the corner. "Were you looking for me?" 

"Oh, uh…"

He frowned and leaned against the glass that Meredith was looking through.

"I get it," he said.

She stiffened. "Look, I just…"

"I get it."

"Please don't tell Derek," she asked. "He'll worry, and he shouldn't. I'm just trying to get my bearings."

"By hanging out in the nursery?" Alex asked.

"Alex…"

"I get it, Mer."

"Get what?" she snapped, feeling on edge and defensive.

"It's stress-free, up here." He shrugged. "You get to be around them without having to go through all that pregnancy crap again."

Meredith kept her eyes straight ahead. "I liked being pregnant, Alex."

He didn't respond.

"I loved it. I loved how my body was changing, and I loved knowing that there was another person growing inside of me. I loved how happy it made Derek, and how happy we were. I loved being able to look forward to the future for maybe the first time in my life. And then it was all over. That's the part I didn't love. That's the part I hated."

"So what do you get out of being up here?" Alex asked her.

She shrugged. "I guess it's like how when you're little and you go Christmas shopping, you see something in the store window and it's bright and shiny and you just want it. And you can dream about having it. It's different when you have to go out and work for it. I don't know if I can do the work again. Not if I might not get it anyway."

"How much do you want it?" Alex asked her.

"What?"

He sighed. "Listen, I didn't do the Christmas shopping thing. When I wanted something, I shovelled sidewalks and mowed lawns, and picked up dog shit."

Meredith shook her head. "You're missing my point, Alex."

"No, Meredith," he corrected her. "You're missing mine. If you really want something, you do the work."

"It's not dog shit, Alex. I'm afraid. It's like this brick wall, and I can't go over it and I can't go under it, or around it."

"So start knocking it down," he shrugs.

"Alex…"

"You've been up here every day since you got back," he says. "That's all I'm saying."

* * *

"Hey, have you been hiding?" Derek asked Meredith, catching up to her at the coffee cart in the early evening.

She paid for her coffee and took a sip before addressing him. "No. Why?"

Derek shrugged. "Bailey was looking for you."

"Now?" Meredith asked with a frown.

"A few hours ago." Derek purchased his own coffee and followed Meredith down the hall.

"Oh. Well, I've seen her since then."

He nodded. "Okay." Derek hesitated.

"What?" Meredith asked, irritation creeping into her voice.

"Nothing."

"No, you were going to say something. Just say it."

"I was just…" He shook his head. "Nothing."

"Derek!"

"I know you're probably not in the mood for it, but I still have to go to that hospital fundraiser, and you do have that dress that I thought you wanted to get your money's worth from."

"You mean your money's worth," Meredith corrected him.

"You're splitting hairs, Mer. And missing – or avoiding – the point."

She sighed. "I don't know if I'm up to going to some schmooze-fest."

"You're going to let me go to this thing alone? I'll be bored out of my mind."

"You will not," she argued. "You schmooze with the best of them. You'll be in your element. Maybe you and Mark can tag team them."

Derek made a face. "Mark and I can do nothing."

Meredith stopped and looked him in the eye. "You can," she argued. "You can do anything."

"So can you," Derek retorted.

"Fine. I'll go to the stupid benefit with you," Meredith said. She didn't have the energy or the will to argue. "Okay?"

"Mer, don't do that."

"Don't do what?" she asked incredulously. "What do you want from me, Derek? You want me to go. I said I'd go."

"I want you to want to go. With me. I want you to want us to spend time together, doing normal things. We can go and secretly mock everything there. I don't care. I just want us to have fun together again. Like we did that day in New York."

"Yeah, well. We're not in New York anymore."

Derek tossed his half-full coffee cup into the garbage nearby and threw up his hands in frustration. "It can't be like this, Meredith. It's one step forward and two steps back all the time, and I don't know what's going to set you off. I don't know what's okay to ask of you, and what isn't.

"If you don't want to go to the benefit, don't. Don't do it because I'm making you feel guilty or obligated to do so. I just wanted to see you in that dress. I wanted you to be happy, just for one night. I wanted that for both of us."

He let out a breath. "I'm going to go grab some dinner. I'll pick you up in a couple of hours."

* * *

They were both quiet on the way home, and when they reached the trailer, Meredith went inside while Derek stayed out on the deck. The sun was beginning to set and the lake reflected the pink and purple and gold light. He sat quietly, looking out at the land until he heard the squeak of the door that notified him of Meredith's approach. He didn't turn his head, but he let his eyes close.

"I'm sorry," she apologized in a whisper. She took the chair next to his. Derek opened his eyes and saw her holding out a glass of scotch as a peace offering. There was a second glass in her other hand.

"You hate scotch," he said.

She shrugged. "Well, it's what we have."

Derek took the glass she offered him and took a sip, then set it down on the deck beside him.

"What are you apologizing for?"

She squirmed. "For being difficult."

"Meredith…"

"No," she interjected. "I was. You told me about this thing when we were in New York, and I let you buy me the dress. I should go with you."

"You don't have to," he said. "I don't want to pressure you into doing it."

"Maybe that's the problem," she mused. When he looked confused, she explained herself. "Maybe you need to push me. Maybe I need to push myself. It's not just going to happen, is it? It's not going to happen if I don't make it happen."

"No."

She nodded and set her own glass down, untouched.

"So, push."

"I want to move," Derek said, out of the blue.

Meredith's eyes widened. "Move?"

"I want us to move into our house."

"Derek…"

"We can paint the nursery," he told her. "We can turn it into a study, or an extra bedroom, or anything, really. Whatever you want. But we have that house, and it's our home. It's where we need to be. It's supposed to be about the future, and we need to be there, Meredith. I want to move into it."

She stood and looked towards the house, over the rise of the hill.

"Okay," she agreed after a long moment of silence.

Derek looked surprised. "Are you sure?"

"No," she said, and then laughed. "But this is what pushing is about, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he agreed. "I guess it is."

* * *

Derek had the following day off and after Meredith left for work, he ventured over to the house. The builders were there and after talking to a couple of them, he found the foreman talking to one of his workers before the second man made his way up to the roof to work on the shingles. 

"Dr. Shepherd," Tom greeted him, holding out his hand. "We're wrapping up in the next few days."

Derek nodded. "I see that. Thank you."

"You made me a great offer," Tom shrugged.

"Is it okay for me to go in and take a look?"

"Sure thing." Tom stood aside and then followed Derek into the house.

"We didn't have time to make those changes in the nursery, like you asked," Tom warned him. "We're getting on it, I swear."

Derek cringed. "Please make sure you do. It has to be done before my wife sees it."

"Sorry, doc."

Derek nodded. "Just get it done. Work overtime, if you have to. Just bill me. I'll pay it."

"Tomorrow, you come by, it'll be done."

The two men continued on a tour of the house, but when they reached the doorway of what would have been the nursery, Derek paused. "Can I just have a minute here?" he asked Tom quietly.

"Sure," Tom shrugged. "I'll be out there with my guys, if you need anything."

"Thank you," Derek said. Tom left him and Derek hesitated in the doorway before forcing himself to go into the room. The walls decorated with the scenery that Meredith had had for it, and tears sprang to his eyes. He cleared his throat roughly and tried to hold the tears back, even though they blurred his vision. He wondered briefly if he had been pushing Meredith in an effort to push himself. He didn't want to be here any more than she did. At least not in this room.

He left it, and continued on to the master bedroom, which had large windows along one wall, giving them an unobstructed view of the lake. It had been Meredith's idea – to leave one wall almost entirely made of window space, and it left the bedroom feeling light and airy and peaceful. It was Derek's favourite room in the entire house, and not just because of how he imagined they'd spend their time in it.

There were French doors on the other side of the room, and they led into the nursery. This was his idea.

Off the bedroom was a large ensuite bathroom, with a jetted tub, a double vanity and a separate shower enclosure. Derek inspected everything and when he returned to the front of the house, Tom gave him an inquisitive look.

"So?" he asked. "Does it pass?"

"It's a wonderful house," Derek said.

"I'd think a couple of weeks and you should be able to move in," Tom said. "Does the missus want to come give it her seal of approval?"

"I think she just wants it over with," Derek said; he laughed nervously.

"Well, don't worry, doc. We'll get it done."

"Thanks," Derek said. He said goodbye and then returned to the trailer.

He tried occupying the rest of his day with things he'd been neglecting to do since they'd returned from New York, including a paper that he'd promised Richard he'd finished weeks ago, but Derek's mind was elsewhere, and he finally gave up and went fishing to try to relax. When he returned to the trailer, Meredith's car was out front and he dropped his gear on the deck and called her name. He had a flashback to the day he'd found her at the house, in the nursery, and he feared that once again, a roadblock would be thrown up that he had no idea how to get around.

But Meredith was in the shower and he breathed a sigh of relief and stripped out of his clothes to join her. She yelped in surprise when he opened the door.

"Derek!"

"I smell like lake trout," he said, with a crooked smile. "Are you going to tell me that you want me to stay like that?"

She frowned. "I don't want to…" she started. She blushed. "I'm sorry. I don't want…"

"Did I ask you to?" he retorted. "I just want a shower, Meredith."

"It's never just a shower when we're both in here," she argued. "Just give me five more minutes."

"Just move over. I'll only take five minutes," he argued.

She snorted. "That's a lie and we both know it."

"Now who's making it about sex?" he asked.

"Derek…"

"It's going to be our last shower together here," he told her. "You'll miss it when it's gone."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Nice try."

Still, she shifted to allow him room to get into the shower.

"Help me?" he requested.

"See? This is why you should have let me finish. Then you'd have all the room you need."

"But it wouldn't be nearly as fun," he teased her with a smirk.

He handed her the shower gel and the loofah. "Can you get my back?" he asked. Meredith sighed and lathered him. He pulled her against him, her back to his front and he leaned down and kissed her cheek, softly, without intention.

"Thank you," he whispered. "How was your day?"

"Seriously?" she asked. "You get me to agree to shower with you, and you want to know how my day was?"

"Why not?" he asked.

She bit her lip and considered this. "Well, it was bloody."

"Bloody is good," he whispered into her neck.

"Now you sound like Cristina," she taunted him.

"Oh, Mer! You hurt me!"

She laughed and turned in his arms, then stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.

"Well, does it help if I tell you that you don't look the least bit like Cristina?"

He smiled. "A bit."

"It was a long day," Meredith said. "I had some tough patients. I lost a couple."

He trailed his fingertips along the planes of her face. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Yeah," Meredith said. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her; she let him.

She closed her eyes and breathed him in. She shifted against him and kissed along his clavicle, and across to his shoulder. Her hands slid along his chest and lower and Derek sucked in a breath. His body responded to her even though he didn't want to overwhelm her; he didn't want to scare her off. Still, she continued. The steam from the shower enveloped him as surely as her hands did and Derek struggled to hold himself together.

And then, just as suddenly and unpredictably as it began, it was over. Meredith pulled away from him, her eyes wide.

"I'm sorry," Derek apologized immediately.

"No," she said, her voice shaky. "I am. I didn't mean to tease you."

Derek sighed.

"It's just too soon, Derek."

"I know," he said softly, trying to keep his profound regret and disappointment out of his voice. He kissed her forehead. "Do you want me to get out for a minute?"

"No," she said. "I'm done."

"Okay."

She stepped from the shower and found a towel to wrap around her body, concealing herself from his view. "Are you hungry?" she managed to ask him as casually as possible.

"I caught fish," he said from under the spray in the shower that suddenly seemed incredibly spacious.

"Okay," Meredith answered. "Is there salad?"

"In the bag in the crisper," he answered her.

"Oh, thank God," she said.

He laughed, strangely relieved that at least some things would never change.


	14. Chapter 14

_I don't know what is going on with this site lately, but it seems like alerts aren't being e-mailed, and updates aren't always showing up. I'm sure it's frustrating for all of us. At any rate, despite the glitches, I'm making an effort to update as much as possible this week, because I'm going on vacation for two weeks on Sunday. That said, this fic looks like it will clock in somewhere around 21_ _chapters, so unfortunately, there will probably be a delay before the end is posted. I just wanted to let you know ahead of time. I also wanted to thank you for your continuing reviews; I really appreciate your taking the time to respond to this story. So, thanks again, and please keep reviewing!_

* * *

As soon as the builders gave them the go-ahead, once the house had passed inspection, Meredith and Derek moved their belongings from the trailer to the new house. It gave them something new to focus on, and slowly, they began making the house feel like a home. The only room that was spared as they decorated was what would have been the nursery – a room that both of them consciously avoided as much as possible. 

They kept busy with work, too, and weeks passed without notice, bringing them closer to the hospital benefit. On the afternoon of the day it would be held on, Meredith stopped Derek in the hall.

"Do we really have to go to this thing?" she asked him with a frown.

"I'm a department head," he replied. "So, yes. I have to. You don't, but I'd like you to come with me."

She sighed. "Nobody wants to go."

"Your friends?" he asked her.

Meredith nodded.

"Well, what does our going have to do with them?" he asked.

"It doesn't," Meredith sighed. "It's just that you're going to be off charming some benefactor, and I'll be standing there trying to disappear into the crowd."

"Meredith," Derek said. "You are charming and friendly and interesting. It'll be fine. I'll introduce you to some people and they'll fall under your spell and donate their entire fortunes."

"Warren Buffet is coming to this thing?" she grinned.

"I think those billions are already spoken for," he laughed. "But maybe Bill and Melinda will show up and we can hit them up."

Meredith chuckled. "Well, in that case, count me in!"

Derek smiled and leaned forward to kiss her softly. "Thank you."

"I have to go home and get ready, then."

"I just have to talk to my intern, and then I'm all yours," he told her.

"Okay," Meredith answered. "I'll meet you downstairs in ten minutes?"

"Give me fifteen," he said.

Meredith nodded and turned away from him, before hurrying towards the locker room where she changed out of her scrubs and grabbed her things from her locker. She was just heading out the door when Izzie came in.

"Hey, are you off?" Izzie asked.

Meredith nodded. "Derek and I have that hospital thing, so…"

"Oh, yeah," Izzie nodded. "Me too."

"You're going?" Meredith asked. She breathed a sigh of relief. At least she'd have somebody to commiserate with.

"Yeah," Izzie said. She nodded and smiled happily. "Bailey asked me to go as a representative of the clinic."

"Oh," Meredith said, thinking that her ally would be too busy schmoozing to hide out with her.

"I think the chief insisted that everyone who isn't working or on call tonight go."

"Really?" Meredith asked. "I didn't hear anything about that. I'm sure Cristina would have told me if she was forced into attending."

"She tried asking for a double shift," Izzie laughed. "She even volunteered to do scut."

Meredith shook her head. "Thanks, Izzie. I've gotta run."

"I'll see you there?" Izzie asked after her as she darted from the locker room.

"Yeah," Meredith called back over her shoulder.

She found Cristina at the nurses' station and cornered her friend.

"I heard you volunteered for scut."

"Ugh," said Cristina. "I can't believe I'm being forced to go to this thing. It's almost as bad as prom."

"You're preaching to the choir, sister," Meredith said.

"Yeah, well," Cristina replied.

"Well, what?"

Her friend shrugged. "You'll get laid, at least."

Meredith shook her head. "No."

"Oh, right," Cristina scoffed. "Do you really need to be reminded of McDreamy's problem?"

Meredith frowned. "What problem is that?"

"The one where every time the two of you go to some hospital function, you end up naked in some inappropriate place. Your couch… an exam room…"

"Cristina!"

"Do you deny it?"

Meredith squirmed uncomfortably. "The first time, we didn't meet at a hospital function. We didn't even know that we worked together at the hospital. And the second time…"

"The second time, he couldn't keep his hands off of you. I'm just saying," Cristina said with another shrug. "You're gonna get laid."

"God, Cristina."

"What, you don't want to get laid?" Cristina asked, looking doubtful. "I mean, he doesn't do it for me, but in case you need to be reminded, your husband is hot."

"I don't need to be reminded, thank you."

"Just promise me that you'll show up and have a drink with me."

"Only one?" Cristina moaned.

"Definitely not," Meredith agreed.

* * *

Their new, spacious home afforded Meredith and Derek the room to get ready without having to wait for each other. Meredith showered and dried her hair, opting to pull it back to reveal her toned shoulders. She wore no jewellery save for her wedding band and engagement ring. When she slipped into the dress that she'd laid out on the bed, she stood for a minute, looking at her reflection in the mirror before she stepped into the four-inch Louboutin heels she'd bought compliments of his platinum card and dabbed a bit of perfume on her pulse points.

"Derek?" she called, walking down the hallway towards the other bathroom where he was finishing with his own preparations. "Are you ready? We're going to be late."

Derek poked his head out of the bathroom, his hair still in disarray. A dollop of mousse clung to a strand of hair that fell into his eyes and Meredith smirked as she reached up to work it into his hair.

His eyes widened at the sight of her and Meredith had a flashback to her earlier conversation with Cristina.

Derek swallowed. "Wow. Best two grand I ever spent."

"Four," she reminded him. "Plus, the shoes."

Derek glanced down. "God," he breathed. His gaze swept back up her body, lingering in several places before he finally reached her face.

"Do we have to go to this thing?" he whined.

"Yes!"

"But it would be so much more fun to stay here and get you out of that dress."

"That's exactly why I'm going to insist that we're going. One dress was already put to rest, Derek. I want to at least wear this out somewhere. At least once."

He grinned. "Does that mean that when we get back tonight, all bets are off?"

She rolled her eyes. "Keep dreaming."

* * *

Just as Meredith suspected, the benefit dinner was full of VIPs; although Meredith was naturally outgoing, she found these events tedious and boring and kept scanning the room in search of her friends. Finally, she spotted Alex near the bar and excused herself from the periphery of a conversation between Derek and some benefactor, and made her way across the room.

"Thank God," she sighed when Alex was within earshot. "Have you seen anyone else?"

"Yang was heading for the can," he said. He knocked back half of his drink before appraising her. "You look hot. Too hot for something like this."

Meredith laughed. "Well, I feel like I'm a piece of meat. Do you know how many of these guys have undressed me with their eyes?"

"Can you blame them?" came a drawling voice behind her. She rolled her eyes and turned around.

"Mark, seriously," she said impatiently. "What if Derek was standing here?"

"He wouldn't look nearly as good in that dress as you do," he smirked, his eyes wandering over the shimmering indigo fabric, and more specifically, on the lithe body beneath it. "And then there's the fuck-me shoes."

"Mark," Meredith warned him. He lifted his eyes, and they crinkled as he grinned at her. "Okay. But seriously, Meredith, Derek and I were best friends for over three decades. We have a lot of the same appreciation of fine things."

Alex snorted into his drink.

"Karev, I think the vagina squad is huddled over there," Mark said, nodding towards a far corner.

Alex didn't budge and Meredith was grateful for his subtle protection, even though she didn't really believe she needed to be protected from Mark. He was a lot of talk, but no action, at least not when it came to her. She knew he would never seriously pursue her; whatever Derek chose to believe about Mark and Addison's affair, Meredith truly believed that Mark Sloan had fallen in love with Addison. Not that it excused the affair, but it did allow her to trust that he wouldn't cross a line with her.

"So, where is Derek, anyway?" Mark asked. He craned his neck and scanned the room.

"Over there," Meredith said, turning to point proudly at her husband.

"Oh, you match," Mark commented, catching sight of Derek. "How… cute."

"Mark, be nice."

"I'm very nice," he replied. "Prada, right?" he asked, turning his attention to her dress.

"Yeah," Meredith said, smoothing down the delicate material with her hands.

"It suits you," he said.

"Derek bought it," Meredith said. She blushed. "I mean, I could have. He wanted to."

"I know," Mark said with a shrug. "I told you, I've known him forever. His taste in clothes is almost as fine as his taste in women. But neither of those can quite match the refinement of mine." He winked at her.

"Oh, that's why you both bedded Addison, hmm?" Meredith asked with a smirk.

Mark scowled. "Let's not talk about that."

"Okay," Meredith agreed. "Then let's not talk about Derek. Why aren't you out there hustling for your department?"

Mark shrugged. "Plastics is self-sustaining. There will always be money in plastics. I don't have to beg like the rest of you poor bastards."

"Nice, Mark," Meredith commented.

"Dr. Sloane?" came a voice behind him.

Mark rolled his eyes, and Meredith stifled a giggle. "Go do what you do best, Mark," she told him.

Meredith turned her attention back to Alex. "Have you seen Cristina?" she asked.

Alex smirked. "Yang was roped into this thing, after all? I thought she was doing everything in her power to get out of it."

"Turns out Cristina doesn't have as much power as she thinks she does," Meredith laughed.

"I haven't seen her," Alex said.

"Great," Meredith muttered. She got herself another drink and stood with Alex until he wandered off to talk to somebody from his department. Meredith was about to give up and find refuge in the ladies' room for as long as it wouldn't be too obvious when she spotted Cristina near the entrance. She hurried over to her before Cristina could disappear into the crowd.

"God, where have you been?" Meredith hissed when she reached her friend's side.

"Let me get a drink first," Cristina muttered. She made her way over to the bar and Meredith followed her. Drinks in hand, they found an empty corner of the room and huddled together, surveying the crowd.

"Nice fuck-me shoes," Cristina commented.

"Cristina!"

"Well, they are, aren't they?"

"They're shoes. Regardless of what you and Mark think."

"Mark, too?" Cristina laughed. "They're fuck-me shoes," she said again with a shrug. "Nothing wrong with it, Mer. After putting you through this torture, the very least McDreamy could do is give you an orgasm. Or four." She grinned.

"You're …"

"Right. So don't even try to argue," Cristina smirked. She groaned. "Oh, God. Here comes Barbie."

Izzie appeared beside them, beaming. "These people are amazing. They love the idea of the clinic, and I think we've secured funding for when Denny's money is exhausted."

"That's great, Izzie," Meredith said sincerely.

"Yeah," Cristina echoed, less enthusiastically. "God, I can't sit here all night. I could be cutting. And if not that, I could be drinking."

"You are drinking, Cristina," Izzie pointed out matter-of-factly.

"Real alcohol," Cristina responded, rolling her eyes. "Not this watered down piss-water."

Izzie shrugged. "We have alcohol at the house. Why doesn't everyone just come over after we're done here?"

"Oh, I don't know," Cristina said, and Meredith almost snorted at how quickly her friend was back-pedalling.

"Oh, please?" Izzie begged. "It's boring there, and I could really use some company other than Alex." She hesitated and looked over her shoulder. "And George already said yes, but he told me that he was bringing Callie." She made a face. "So you guys have to come. Please?"

Meredith sighed. "I'll ask Derek," she said. Izzie grinned.

"Thanks. And Cristina, you have to come. Period. Okay?"

Cristina opened her mouth to flat-out refuse, but Meredith shot her a look and she clamped her mouth shut.

Izzie wandered away, back into the fray and Cristina scowled at Meredith.

"Thanks," she said darkly, her eyebrows knit together.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"What?" Cristina mimicked. "It's fine for you. You can use your husband as an excuse to get out of this thing. I'm stuck now. Thanks."

"You know you'll find a way out of it if you're really determined not to go. Or you just won't show up. Izzie isn't holding a gun to your head."

"Yeah, well," Cristina grumbled.

"I'll see if I can convince Derek to stop by for an hour or two."

"Yeah?" Cristina asked.

Meredith nodded. "But first I have to find him."

Cristina pointed him out to Meredith and she crossed the room to where he stood, engrossed in conversation with several distinguished looking gentlemen wearing expensive suits.

"Hey," Derek smiled, curving his arm around her waist.

"Miles Grossman and Paul Steinke, I'd like you to meet my wife, Meredith Grey. Mer, this is Miles and Paul. They're talking about providing some funding for some the new MRI."

"Hello," Meredith said politely, and shook each of their hands.

"Meredith is a second year resident here at Seattle Grace," Derek told them. "She's one of our best and brightest."

Miles smiled politely, but Paul smirked and nodded in understanding. Meredith's skin crawled, and she found Derek's hand with her own and dug her nails into his palm; a silent message of her discomfort. Derek winced almost imperceptibly – except to Meredith – and then recovered quickly, smiling widely at the two men.

"Gentlemen," he said. "If you'll just excuse us?" They nodded and once Meredith and Derek were out of earshot, she turned to him.

"Is it always going to be like that?" she asked him.

He blinked in surprise. "What?"

"They way that they looked at me – or that Paul guy, at least – when you told him that I was a resident, and you are my boss."

Derek sighed. "Mer, you're reading too much into it."

"Am I?" she challenged him.

"Yes," he insisted. He smiled lopsidedly at her. "They're just jealous of me."

"Because of your hair?" Meredith smirked.

Derek grinned. "Well, that's just the tip of the iceberg. No, Mer, it's you."

"Yeah, right," she laughed.

"I'm serious," he said. "You are the most stunning woman in this room. They can't believe that I managed to convince you to marry me."

"Okay, now I know you want to get laid," Meredith said under her breath.

Derek shook his head. "It's not that," he told her. "I'm just incredibly fortunate to be with you, particularly after how we started out. I feel so grateful to you; you saved me."

Meredith smiled. "Do you feel fortunate and grateful enough to come to Izzie's once we're done here."

Derek's smiled fell away. "What?"

"She wants us to come over. Cristina wants to drink, and Izzie suggested that we all go back to the townhouse and relax."

Derek shrugged. "Sure."

"Seriously?" Meredith asked in surprise.

He shrugged again. "Why not? It might be fun."

"Izzie will be there. And George and Callie, Cristina, and Alex."

"And you," Derek finished. "And that's all that I need to know."

"You're working hard tonight," Meredith laughed.

He winked at her. "Yes."

* * *

"We should do karaoke or something!" Izzie said a few hours later, stumbling around the living room in a buzzed state.

"How did I get dragged into this?" Cristina moaned.

Izzie turned to Alex. "Set up the machine, okay?"

Alex laughed. "I don't think so."

"Please?" she whined. She turned to Derek. "Can you do it?"

"I'm a surgeon," Derek answered. "Of course I can do it." He got to his feet and followed Izzie to the machine. It took a while, but eventually, with Alex's reluctant help, they managed to get it set up and Izzie picked up the microphone.

"Okay," she said, beaming. "So, who wants to go first?"

"You're holding the microphone, Barbie," Cristina said dryly. "So it's all yours." She turned to Meredith and added under her breath: "Oh, this should be good."

Derek returned to his seat next to Meredith on the couch and she leaned into him.

"Did I tell you that you smell amazing, too?" he whispered in her ear.

She shivered and whispered back that he hadn't.

"You do," he said, and then ran his palms up her bare arms to her shoulders. "And you feel amazing, too."

Meredith closed her eyes, and waited for somebody to begin. Callie was the first volunteer and even though she told them that they were all a bunch of drunks when they told her how good she was, she grinned happily.

Next up was Cristina.

"Oh, we're not nearly drunk enough for this yet," Cristina said. She poured more shots and handed them around. Meredith downed one and then another, and before she could object, they started doing shots for every line that somebody messed up in their chosen song. Cristina sang some angry song that Meredith would have been able to identify in her normal state, but was too drunk to identify now. Finally, Derek was passed the microphone, and he looked at it as though it were infected with flesh eating bacteria.

"Seriously?" he croaked.

"You're up, McDreamy."

Derek looked flushed and his eyes were glassy. Meredith giggled at him.

"You're drunk," she accused him.

"So you are! I mean, you are so. So are you!" he shot back.

"Just sing, McDreamy!" someone said.

When he started to sing, Meredith burst into laughter. He got partway through the first verse of _Beast of Burden_ before he cracked up, too. He and Meredith laughed until he was unable to continue and collapsed on the couch next to her.

"Pathetic," Cristina said. "You have to finish the bottle for that."

"God, I'm not twenty any more," Derek groaned.

"Then give it to Mer; she'll take care of it for you," Alex teased her.

Meredith made a face at him.

Derek finished his drink and then leaned heavily into Meredith, breathing into her neck.

"We should go."

"You're not driving in that condition," Meredith told him. "And I can't, either."

He groaned.

"Ooh, you can stay in your old room!" Izzie said. "I just changed the linens this morning, too."

Derek looked up at Meredith skeptically.

"Do you have any better ideas?" she asked him. Derek sighed and reluctantly shook his head.

Meredith stood and offered her hand to him. He looked up at her, bleary-eyed, and blinked.

"Do you need help up?" Meredith asked him. Alex snorted, and she turned to glare at him. "Get your mind out of the gutter! That is _not_ what I meant!"

"Sure," Cristina grinned.

Derek struggled to his feet. "I'm fine," he assured her. He turned to her friends. "Better than fine."

"Uh huh," George said, laughing.

It took them some time, but they finally made it up the stairs together. When they were alone in the bedroom, Meredith expected him to all but collapse on the bed, but instead, he pulled her to him. Her head swam – the combination of too much alcohol and the natural high she felt whenever she and Derek were together. Her limbs felt heavy and languid, and when his fingers fumbled to find the zipper on her dress, she was helpless to either assist him or stop him.

All she could do was feel, and what Derek was doing felt so good. He was burning hot and soon had her in the same state. Meredith heard a distinct ripping sound, and couldn't even bring herself to care. Derek's hands were sliding over her body, touching and teasing and manipulating her into the state that he wanted her and she couldn't think, couldn't speak, almost couldn't breathe.

The second dress was ruined and she didn't care one bit. She started to step out of her shoes, but Derek stopped her. "Leave them on," he breathed, leading them over to the bed. He came down on top of her on the bed and slid his hands up the inside of her legs, underneath a film of shimmering indigo.

Meredith wrapped her legs around his waist and urged him closer, mindless of the fact that he was still clothed. Derek quickly rectified that situation, shedding his pants and boxers, along with his shoes and socks. His jacket had been removed while they were downstairs drinking with her friends, and his tie had been loosened enough that Meredith was able to easily discard it now. She brought her hands up and cupped his face, breathing heavily. She closed her eyes as the room began to tilt and spin, and when Derek kissed her, the helpless feeling only increased. She managed to remove his shirt, the fine buttons skittering across the floor when they were ripped loose. And then he was beneath her fingertips, warm and simultaneously soft and hard under her probing fingers.

She kept her eyes closed, letting her other senses take over; she let herself be guided solely by what she felt. Derek was given free reign and Meredith enjoyed just being able to make him so hard without even touching him. She was surprised at how easy it was – expecting the alcohol to interfere with his ability to rise to the occasion. But Derek did not disappoint her. Within minutes, she was a shivering, moaning mess and urged her husband to end the torture. Derek didn't need to be asked twice; he slid inside her and cupped her face in his hands, then kissed her deeply, plunging his tongue inside her deeply even as he began to move. He thrust and thrust and Meredith felt the impossible to ignore tug of her impending orgasm. She tightened her grasp on him, aware even as she did that the heels of her shoes were precariously close to his body. Derek didn't seem to care. He groaned and shuddered and then pulled his mouth from hers.

"Are you close, Mer?" he gasped.

"It's okay," she murmured. "It's okay, Derek. Please, just… please…"

He pushed deeper, thrust harder and she felt apart, sobbing as her orgasm finally released her from the tangle she'd been in. She clenched him again and again, and felt Derek surge forward. And then everything slowed down, and she felt drowsy as the sedative effect of the alcohol pulled her under.

Derek mumbled something indistinct, but Meredith was too gone to answer and so she let him pull her against him before she fell asleep. He pulled off her shoes and dropped them over the side of the bed before curling himself around her. It was the last thing she remembered, aside from a brief thought that Cristina would surely enjoy knowing that she was right about the shoes.


	15. Chapter 15

Meredith woke and blinked up at the ceiling, aware that she was in her old bedroom, but unsure of why she was there. She had some vague recollection of singing old school Madonna and going shot for shot with Cristina. She was even semi-aware of Derek's fascination with getting her out of the two thousand dollar dress that she'd finally had occasion to wear.

He was next to her now, his legs still tangled with hers. He was out cold, but as evidenced by the duvet that only half covered his lower half, he was as naked as she was. There was no doubt in Meredith's mind that they hadn't just come up here and fallen asleep. Frowning, she nudged his shoulder to wake him. It took several tries, but Derek finally came to. He blinked at her as she frowned down at him.

"What?" he asked in a raspy voice.

"We had sex."

"Uh," Derek said. He rolled to his side and kissed her bare shoulder. "Yes."

"Yes?"

She felt him smile against her skin. "Uh huh."

"Oh."

He pulled away from her and looked up. "That's a bad thing?" he asked, hurt seeping into his voice.

"No! It's just…"

"You don't remember, do you?"

"Do you?" she challenged him.

He shrugged. "I remember that I felt really good last night. This morning, not so much. But last night, I definitely felt good."

"Well, that's great," Meredith said. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, then frantically hunted for her clothes. She spotted the dress lying in a puddle on the floor and picked it up.

"It's ripped," she said with a moan.

"It's okay," Derek said from the bed.

"No, it's not. It's two thousand dollars. Times two."

"Meredith, I don't care about the money."

"Well, what am I supposed to wear?" she asked him, panic washing over her.

"I'm sure Izzie has something," he suggested.

Meredith nodded, trying to push down the nausea she was feeling.

"Oh God, I think I'm gonna…" She didn't finish her thought, instead fleeing to the bathroom. A minute later, Derek was at her side.

"Can you make some room there?" he groaned, kneeling on the floor next to her, and reaching forward to pull her hair back as she retched yet again.

When it was over, Meredith moaned and rested her head on his shoulder for a minute. "My God, how much did I drink?"

"A lot. There was some contest, I think."

"Did you sing?" Meredith asked him, gathering strength from him.

"Ugh, now you need to move," he said.

"Funny."

She was quiet for a minute as another wave of nausea rippled through her. When it had passed, she spoke again. "So, uh…. How many times?"

Derek grinned at her. "You?"

"No! I mean, how many times did we?"

He frowned. "Uh…"

"Oh my God, you seriously don't remember?"

"I think we ended up upside down at one point."

Meredith shook her head and struggled to her feet, cautiously optimistic that the room would stay in one place. She grabbed an extra large bath towel from the rack and wrapped it around herself securely before she walked over to the door.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked.

"Clothes," she reminded him. "I need clothes."

He just moaned in response.

Meredith left Derek in the bathroom and made her way across the hall to Izzie's bedroom. She knocked softly and when there was no response, she cautiously opened the door and peeked in. The room was dark, the heavy curtains drawn over the windows. There as a lump in the bed that Meredith could only assume was Izzie, and she tiptoed across the bedroom to her friend's closet.

The figure in the bed groaned and Meredith nearly jumped out of her skin. That definitely wasn't Izzie. Meredith froze halfway through the room and cursed under her breath, unsure of whether to turn and flee the room, or move forward and hide in the closet. She stood completely frozen, staring at the lump in the bed as it moved.

"Mmmm," came Izzie's voice as she woke.

"Crap!" Meredith said quietly.

Her eyes widened as Izzie's blonde head appeared. She opened her eyes and blinked, blinked, blinked. Her eyes locked on Meredith, and widened, as did Meredith's.

"Crap!" Meredith said again.

"Oh my God!" said Izzie.

They stared at each other. The blanket shifted and a darker head appeared. Meredith shut her eyes, thinking that if she just kept her eyes closed, it would go away. _He_ would go away.

George.

"Oh my God," Meredith said.

"Meredith!" came George's voice. She opened her eyes.

"Crap! I was just… oh, crap. Crap, crap, crap. I'm gonna… I'll go. I'm going."

She turned and fled the room, colliding with Derek as he stepped out into the hall in his boxers.

"Hey," he said, his voice still scratchy. He frowned in confusion. "I thought you were getting clothes."

Meredith shook her head frantically, grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the bedroom.

"We have to go," she told him.

Derek looked puzzled. "Okay…"

"Now."

"What's going on?" he asked her.

"We just have to go. I'll explain later. God knows, I'll never get the mental image out of my head anyway."

"Meredith…"

"Meredith," came Izzie's voice from behind the door. She let out a broken sob. "Mer…"

Derek shook his head. "What…"

"George," Meredith hissed.

"What?"

"George and _Izzie_. Izzie. Not Callie. Izzie."

"Oh," Derek said. "Oh!"

"Yeah!"

"Meredith, please," Izzie moaned. "Please, please let me in. Please. I need to explain."

Derek tilted his head. "Should I…?"

"I don't know! I don't know what to say to her. I can't believe what I just saw. I think I need more alcohol."

Derek shook his head. "How about coffee? I'll go make some coffee."

"No! What am I supposed to say to her?"

"I don't think she wants you to say anything," Derek said. "I think she wants you to listen." He kissed her forehead. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

He got up from the bed and put on his pants and shirt, then shuffled across the bedroom in bare feet. He opened the door to Izzie, whose face was tear-streaked. Gently, Derek reached out and squeezed her shoulder, then stood aside for her to enter the bedroom.

"I'll make coffee," he told her, and then disappeared down the hall.

"Meredith…" Izzie said in a near whisper as she crossed the threshold to the bedroom. "It's not what you think."

"What do I think it is, Izzie?" Meredith asked, unable to look at her friend. Instead, she focussed on a spot across the room.

"You think we're having an affair."

"You're not? What do you call it, Iz?"

"I… we… it's not like that. It's complicated."

"I'm sure it is."

"You and Derek had an affair," Izzie reminded her quietly.

Meredith frowned. As much as she would like to, she knew that there was no point denying her friend's words. Technically, Derek had still been married when they'd renewed their relationship. Technically, it had been an affair all along.

"So, that makes it right for you?"

Izzie exhaled. "I didn't say that."

"Well, then what do Derek and I have to do with it?" Meredith asked.

"Nothing. I just… I thought that maybe you'd understand."

"I was in love with Derek. That doesn't make it right, but I was. And he was in love with me."

"Yeah," Izzie said miserably, sniffling.

Meredith forced herself to look at her friend. Tears ran down Izzie's cheeks and she sat with her arms wrapped around herself, rocking back and forth gently.

"Oh no," Meredith said.

"What?"

"You're in love with him?" Meredith asked incredulously. "With _George_?"

"Why is that so hard to believe?" Izzie asked defensively.

"I… wait. Wait. This wasn't the first time, was it?"

Izzie didn't reply.

"Izzie?" Meredith prompted her.

"No," Izzie admitted miserably. "It wasn't."

"Oh," Meredith said, at a loss for words.

"It just happened," Izzie said. "We were fighting, remember? And he came over and we were drinking, and it just… happened."

"You had sex. Okay. But that still doesn't explain it. You're in love with him? What about Denny?"

Izzie sighed. "I loved Denny. I did. But am I supposed to grieve for him forever?"

"No, but George was always there," Meredith said. "So why now? Why when he's married to somebody else?"

Izzie shook her head. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Meredith echoed.

"No."

"Well, that's not good enough."

"God, Mer. What do you want?"

"I don't know. I want to understand how you can suddenly be in love with George. George!"

"I don't know, Meredith. I think … maybe I always was. He's my best friend; he gets me. I don't have to explain myself to him. I don't have to be somebody that I'm not. He knows things about me that I've never told you guys. He never judges me and he never abandons me, and I don't come in second with him."

"Except when it comes to who he asked to share his life."

Izzie sighed. "See? You're judging."

"Well, you're not sleeping with me," Meredith said without thinking.

Izzie leapt to her feet. "God, I thought Cristina was the judgmental bitch!"

"Izzie…" Meredith tried.

"No, you know what? I know that what we're doing is wrong. I know that he's married and that this can't end well. I know that somebody is going to get hurt. I'm not stupid. I just… I love him, Meredith. I do. Just like you love Derek. Don't you at least understand that? You couldn't even get out of bed. You couldn't let him go, and it worked out for you."

Meredith sighed. "His marriage was over, Izzie."

"Yeah, well… maybe George and Callie…"

"Izzie," Meredith sighed, shaking her head. "Come on."

"You don't approve. I get it. Fine. Just… don't tell anyone, okay? Please?"

"Iz…"

"Just give me some time. I just need to talk to George. I just need to…"

"Okay, Iz," Meredith said softly. "But Derek knows."

"Derek knows?" Izzie all but yelped. "Great! Just fucking great."

"Izzie… he's my husband. I can't keep things from him. He was standing right there, and I was kind of overwhelmed. Not only that, but you were standing right outside that door pleading for me to talk to you. So, he knows."

Izzie sighed. "Okay. He won't say anything?"

Meredith shook her head. "No."

* * *

After borrowing some clothes from Izzie, Meredith went downstairs and found Derek sitting at the kitchen table, his hands wrapped around a coffee mug. He looked up when she entered the room.

"Is she okay?" he asked with concern.

Meredith sighed and shrugged. She walked over to the cupboard and pulled down a mug, then filled it with coffee and took a long sip before she spoke.

"I don't know," she admitted. "She says that she's in love with him; she says they're in love."

Derek nodded.

"You don't think it's ridiculous?" Meredith asked him.

"Meredith, I'm hardly in the position to judge. And neither are you," he pointed out.

She sat in the chair next to his and rested her head on the table.

"Okay, fair enough," she conceded. "But George and Izzie?"

"George and Izzie what?" Cristina asked, wandering into the kitchen.

"What?" Meredith asked, looking to Derek desperately as she tried to come up with a cover story.

"Oh, we were just talking about who won the contest last night," Derek said. "I said it was a tie between George and Izzie, but Meredith was sure that you took it."

"Well," Cristina said, pouring her own coffee. "It seems like I was the best at holding my alcohol out of all of you, if that counts for anything. Which it should. I win."

"Yeah," Meredith said weakly. "That's what I told Derek."

Cristina shook her head at him. "Never doubt that I win, McDreamy. I always win."

He nodded.

"How are you doing?" Cristina asked Meredith, perching on the counter across from the table.

"Ugh," Meredith replied. "I need to go home. We should go home," she told Derek.

He nodded in agreement, knowing full well that she wanted to hash out the Izzie and George situation.

"Okay," he said. "Just let me finish this."

Meredith downed her coffee in a few gulps, and then sat impatiently waiting for him to finish his.

"What's gotten into you?" Cristina asked her with a scowl when Meredith started drumming her fingers on the tabletop.

"Nothing," Meredith answered abruptly. She shook her head. "Derek…"

"Okay," he said. He stood and walked over to the sink the pour the unfinished half of his coffee down the drain.

Once they were alone in the car, Meredith relayed exactly what Izzie had said to her.

"What do you think?" she asked Derek.

"About?"

"About Izzie and George!" Meredith said, exasperated.

"I told you, Mer: I am really in no position to judge."

"I'm not asking you to judge. Just… do you think it's possible that they're in love?"

He shook his head. "Anything is possible. Why are you so worked up over this? You don't do the gossip thing that much."

"They're my friends," Meredith said. "I'm worried about them. This could be bad. Very bad."

"I guess," Derek shrugged. "We'll just have to let it play out. See what happens."

"Very helpful," she commented dryly.

"They'll be fine, Meredith. Everything will be fine. You worry too much. Sometimes things just have to be left alone and you have to let nature take its course."

Meredith sighed, but didn't disagree.

* * *

Between work, her mounting concern over Izzie and George, and her awkward avoidance of Callie because she was certain that it was written all over her face that she knew of the affair, Meredith was pre-occupied and often fell into a deep sleep as soon as she collapsed in bed at the end of the day.

It made it easier to ignore the bedroom next to theirs, and it wasn't until she was home alone one afternoon that she had occasion to think about it. She passed it a couple of times without it bothering her too much, but on the third time past, she paused in the hallway and hesitated outside the nursery door.

She hadn't been inside it since that day when after they'd found out that the baby wouldn't live, and she hesitated now, but then forced herself to open the door. She wasn't sure why she felt compelled to enter it now, but the call was impossible to ignore. She stood in the doorway for a minute, blinking. The room had been repainted: a pretty blue colour that reminded her of Derek's eyes.

Slowly, she entered the room, taking a look around at the freshly painted walls, and noting that the room still hadn't been furnished. She walked over to the window and looked out at the lake. She stayed there, in a warm puddle of sunlight, until she heard Derek behind her.

"Hi," he said softly.

She turned. "You're home."

"My shift ended early," he told her. He paused. "What are you doing?"

Meredith shrugged. "I had to do it sooner or later, didn't I?"

He nodded. "Are you okay?"

"It's different," she said. "You had them cover the mural."

Derek nodded again. "I'm sorry; I should have asked you first. Tyler put a lot of work into it. It was pretty amazing."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. "It was."

Derek frowned. "You saw it?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I … I came out here. Once. When we came back from your mom's. I just had to."

"Yeah."

She pressed the back of her hand to her eyes and took a slow, steady, cleansing breath.

"I'm okay."

"Are you?" he asked her.

"No," she admitted. "But it's going to take some time, right?"

Derek nodded.

"It's nice," she told him. "The colour."

"I just told them to change it. I didn't… they just chose something."

"It matches your eyes," Meredith said. She grinned at him suddenly. "Apparently, they are as beautiful to other people as they are to me."

Derek chuckled. He moved into the nursery and wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him as he breathed against her neck.

"Mer?" he questioned her after a minute of silence.

"Hmmm?"

Derek hesitated. "Have you… do you think…"

"What?"

He swallowed. "Do you think that you'll ever want to … try again?"

Meredith stiffened and he immediately felt guilty for posing the question.

"I don't know," she answered honestly after a minute. "I think about how happy we were and how it all came crashing down, and I just don't know if I can. I don't know if I can go through that again."

"I know," he said miserably.

She turned in his arms. "But you want children," she said. It wasn't a question.

"Yeah." He looked down at the floor.

"We're at an impasse."

"Yeah," he said, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry, Derek."

"I understand."

"I know you do. But it's not fair."

"No," he agreed. "Not really. But that's how it is. I can't ask you to do this, Meredith. I want it, but I can't ask you to. So maybe I have to let this go."

"Derek…"

He cleared his throat. "It's something I need to come to terms with, Mer. It's okay. I'll be fine." He smiled as if to assure her that he'd be okay, but his smile failed to reach his eyes and her heart ached with guilt.

"I'm going to go take a shower," he said. "And then I'll grill those steaks, okay?" He kissed her forehead.

"Okay," Meredith said. She followed him out the door.

* * *

"Can I talk to you?" Izzie asked, pulling Meredith aside as she stood at the nurses' station, reviewing a patient's chart.

Izzie pulled Meredith into an empty exam room and closed the door.

"No, I won't sleep with you," Meredith cracked.

"What?" Izzie asked, blinking.

"It's a joke. Because Derek and I… Cristina would have said that I … you know what? Never mind." Meredith took in Izzie's pale face and the dark circles under her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"No."

"Okay…"

"I think I'm pregnant," Izzie blurted out.

Meredith's eyes widened. "What?"

"Pregnant," Izzie repeated. "I think I am. I mean, I'm not sure. But I think so."

"Why?"

"I think it's pretty obvious, Mer."

"I know, but what makes you think that you're pregnant? You were being careful, weren't you?"

"Most of the time," Izzie agreed. "Yeah."

"Well, then…"

"Not all the time," Izzie interrupted. "Not _that_ time."

"The night of the benefit?"

"Yeah," Izzie said, her eyes welling up with tears. "Not that time."

"Oh," Meredith said. "Well, why not? I hate to state the obvious, Izzie, but he's married. What would possess you to not be careful?"

"I have _no_ idea what happened that night," Izzie moaned. "We just… we were _so_ wasted, Mer. Callie got paged and she went back to the hospital, and Alex got a booty call or something. Cristina was passed out on the couch, and it just… happened. I told you that. I don't remember…"

"Oh," Meredith said again. And then, "Oh. Oh, crap."

"What?" Izzie asked. Meredith closed her eyes and leaned against the door. She shook her head in response.

"I need to know, but I don't want to do it alone."

Meredith swallowed and slowly opened her eyes. "Okay. If you do something for me."

"What?" Izzie asked.

"Stay with me while I take one."

Izzie frowned. "You? You think you're pregnant?"

Meredith groaned. "I don't know. Damn you and your drinking parties!"

"Hey!" Izzie snapped. "You're married! Who _cares_ if you're pregnant? I'm sleeping with my married best friend."

"I care, Izzie! Did the alcohol rob you of your memory? You _really_ can't understand why I might be freaking out right now?"

Izzie fell silent.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. She shook her head. "We're so stupid."

"Complete idiots," Meredith agreed.

"Well, on the bright side, if we are, we'll be pregnant at the same time," Izzie said, smiling for the first time that day.

Meredith groaned. "Okay, seriously? That's a little too cutesy, even for you."

"Thanks, Mer," Izzie said sarcastically. "So?"

"So what?"

"Are we going to do this?"

"Now?" Meredith asked in disbelief.

"I have to know, Meredith. I can't stand it."

Meredith beeper buzzed on her hip. "Crap," she said. "I can't now, Izzie. I'll find you later, okay? I'm sorry." She ran off, and pushed down the awful, panicked feeling as she fled.

* * *

Meredith didn't wait for Izzie. At the first chance she got, she took a pregnancy test and huddled in a stall in the ladies washroom, anxiously waiting for the results. Swallowing her dread and fear, when the timer on her watch beeped, she looked down at the test and promptly broke into tears.

Five minutes later, she was running through the halls, frantically looking for Izzie. She found her coming out of a patient's room.

"Now," she said simply and led Izzie to yet another empty exam room.

"I need you to give me an ultrasound," she told Izzie without preamble.

"What?" Izzie asked. "Mer, you should take a pregnancy test first."

"I already did," Meredith answered tonelessly. "I'm pregnant."

Izzie's eyes widened. "You are?"

"Yes. I need you to give me an ultrasound. I need …"

"Wait, you didn't wait for me?" Izzie asked. "I've been freaking out all day?"

"Izzie…"

"No, Mer. I know you're freaked out, but so am I. Can you just please stop thinking about yourself for one minute? You have Derek. What am I supposed to do? Invite George and his wife in to wait to see if I'm pregnant with his baby?"

Meredith cringed. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "Okay, we'll do your test. Okay?"

Izzie nodded wordlessly and ten minutes later, the two of them sat on the floor of the exam room, waiting for the results.

"What am I going to do, Meredith? If I am?"

"I don't know, Izzie," Meredith answered honestly. "I just don't know. I don't know what to do, either."

"You're going to have it, aren't you?" Izzie asked.

"I don't know, Izzie," Meredith answered her. "That's kind of why I want the ultrasound. I need to know."

"You know that it won't tell you that, right?" Izzie asked. "Not now. It's too soon."

Meredith nodded. "I know. I know that it's just my paranoia. But I just need it, Izzie."

"Okay, Mer."

The timer on Meredith's watch went off again, and this time, it was Izzie who got up and disappeared behind the door. When she came back, she was crying.

"Oh, Izzie," Meredith said.

"No," Izzie said. "I'm … I'm not. Pregnant. I'm not."

"Oh, Izzie," Meredith breathed. "I'm so happy for you."

Izzie nodded, and then wiped at her eyes. "Okay," she said. "I'm gonna go wash my face, and then we can get set up for you, okay?"

Meredith nodded, and once her friend was gone, she leaned back against the wall. She was happy for Izzie, she really was, but she couldn't help feeling a little jealous, too. 


	16. Chapter 16

_As I mentioned before, I'm heading off on vacation on Sunday. There are still a handful of chapters after this one, but it seems unlikely that I'll get them all posted before I leave, unfortunately. I'll definitely try to post as soon as I'm back, and I'd like to post one more chapter tomorrow night, but we'll see. While I'm away, if you haven't read it yet, you should check out **It's Getting There **by **NemoDat**, if you haven't done so already. She has one chapter left to post, but there are already 17 chapters of Mer/Derek goodness posted, and it's definitely worth the read. Thank you for all of your comments, as always. I really appreciate the feedback!  
_

* * *

"Ready?" Izzie asked, spreading the conducive gel over Meredith's abdomen in preparation for the ultrasound. 

Meredith inhaled and exhaled carefully, as though making sure that she still could. "Just do it, " she urged Izzie.

Izzie blew her bangs out of her eyes and leaned forward to get a better look at the monitor as she moved the instrument over Meredith.

After a minute, she pursed her lips.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"I'm going to put you on the fetal monitor," Izzie said.

"Oh, Izzie, I don't know…" Meredith started. If she heard the heartbeat, it would be real. Not that seeing the grainy ultrasound picture wasn't real enough, but still… a heartbeat… that was _real_.

Izzie wouldn't be dissuaded, and a moment later, she was watching the fetal monitor.

"It's strong," she said.

"That's good," Meredith exhaled. "That's good, right?"

"Yeah, it's good." Izzie shook her head. "It's just…"

"What?" Meredith asked, her own heart skipping a beat.

"It's just a little _too_ strong," Izzie replied, biting her lip.

"Too strong?" Meredith asked. "How can it be too strong, Izzie?"

Izzie moved around to the other side of the table. "I don't want to … This isn't my specialty, Meredith."

"You worked with Addison. A lot," Meredith reminded her. "You must know something, Izzie."

"I should call for a consult," Izzie mused.

"No, you shouldn't," Meredith said quickly. She struggled to sit up. "Izzie, you can't."

"But…"

"Izzie, _please_!"

"But, Mer, I don't want to tell you the wrong thing…"

"Oh, for God's sake. What?"

Izzie shook her head. "What about Alex? He spent most of his intern year chained to Addison's team."

"No, Izzie."

"Just Alex?" her friend asked frantically. "I want to be sure, and I'm not."

"Izzie…"

"Look, if you say no, I'm going to call a consult," Izzie said bluntly.

"Fine," Meredith fumed. "Alex. Just Alex. Go and find him yourself. By yourself, Izzie. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and for God's sake, if you run into Cristina or Alex, or especially Derek, don't let them know anything is going on. At all. Please!"

Izzie nodded quickly. "Okay. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."

Meredith gestured to her position on the table.

"Right," Izzie said. She frowned at Meredith. "What if somebody comes in here?"

Meredith closed her eyes. "I'll take my chances. Just go."

Izzie scurried from the room and Meredith tried to relax, but nerve in her body felt like it was frayed, and she stared at the monitor for long minutes, trying to decipher the image on it. She racked her brain, trying to remember long-forgotten textbook passages about fetal development. She wasn't completely inept at reading an ultrasound scan, and so it frustrated her more than it should that she was unable to decipher this one. More than any of this, Izzie's comment about the heartbeat being too strong nagged at her. It meant something, and Meredith was aware that she should know what, but it was just out of reach and as hard as she thought about it, it wasn't coming to her.

She was going crazy trying to figure out the missing piece of the puzzle, and waiting for Izzie to return with Alex in tow and nearly gave up and ripped off the monitors so that she could leave and hunt for Alex on her own when the door to the exam room opened. Meredith sucked in a sharp breath, frightened that it would not be Izzie, but Alex poked his head in the door.

"Dude," he said.

"No," Meredith answered dryly. "Annoyed, freaking out woman. Not dude. You're not a surfer, Alex."

"Hey, I have other things I can be doing," he said, backing out of the room.

"Wait, Alex," she said with a sigh. "I'm sorry. Please don't go."

He shrugged and moved further into the room and was followed by Izzie.

"Sorry, Mer," she said. "It took me a few minutes to find him." She narrowed her eyes at Alex. "He wouldn't answer my page."

Meredith groaned. "Whatever. I don't care. Alex… did Izzie tell you?"

"That McDreamy knocked you up?" he smirked. "Yeah, she told me. So what do you need from me? I'm too late for the fun part."

"Alex!" Izzie chastised him.

He grinned. "What's up?"

"The heartbeat was strong," Izzie explained.

"So?"

"So… really strong, Alex. Like… like…"

"Oh, for God's sake," he sighed. "Where'd you go to med school, Izzie?"

"Not Iowa State," she retorted.

"Okay, you guys!" Meredith snapped. "Please! I'm dying here."

Alex leaned forward and peered at the monitors.

"Dude," he chuckled.

"Again with the dude?" Meredith asked impatiently.

Alex ignored her, shaking his head as he laughed.

"So?" Izzie asked, practically jumping up and down.

"So, what do you think, Stevens?"

"Really?" Izzie squealed.

Alex choked on his laughter.

"Shepherd is da man!"

"Trust you," Izzie said, rolling her eyes. "You don't know that. You just know that she's having twins. You act like Dr. Shepherd has super-sperm or something…"

"Wait," Meredith interrupted, breathing heavily. "What?"

"Super-sperm?" Izzie repeated, her forehead creasing.

"No," Meredith said. "No, no… twins? What?"

"Twins," Alex confirmed. "Either that or a kid with two hearts."

"Shut up, Alex!" Izzie said, reaching out to smack him. "She does not need that right now. I swear, you can be such an insensitive ass."

Meredith stared at them, hardly aware of the commotion that they were causing.

Twins?

"Twins?" she croaked again. "Oh, God." She turned to Alex. "Are you sure? It must be really early…"

He shrugged. "The technology is pretty good, Meredith. We can pick it up at four weeks. Addison even did it when the mother was around three weeks in. It's pretty amazing stuff."

"More amazing than plastics?" Izzie teased him.

Meredith looked directly at Alex. "Thank you," she said.

He nodded and gave her a wink. "Yeah," he said in response to Izzie's question. "Sometimes, it is."

* * *

After Alex had gone and Meredith had cleaned herself up, she and Izzie sat side by side on the exam table.

"So?" Izzie prompted.

"So, what?" Meredith asked, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose.

"This is good, isn't it?" Izzie asked tentatively.

"It's overwhelming," Meredith said in a small voice.

"But… you were so devastated when… well, before. And now you get another chance. Derek is going to be so happy."

Meredith turned to her. "You can't say anything, Izzie. Not to anybody. God, Alex, I have to…"

"He won't tell anyone," Izzie said with a frown. "And neither will I, if that's what you want. But Meredith, why wouldn't you? You were so sad. I know you wanted that baby. Now you get two of them at once. So it all worked out."

"Is that what you think?" Meredith asked, her tone suddenly icy. "Do you think that now that I'm pregnant, it's okay that I lost my daughter? It's okay that my first child wasn't viable because her brain didn't develop properly? I get two at once, so hey, it's fine that I couldn't have her. It's fine that she never had a chance!"

"Meredith, no! I didn't mean… of course I didn't mean that you could just forget that that ever happened. Of course you can't. I wouldn't be able to. I … I couldn't."

"Well, then how could you say something like that to me?" Meredith hissed.

Izzie shook her head. "No, Mer. I didn't mean that. I just… I just thought that you would be happy. Aren't you happy?"

"I don't know, Izzie," Meredith admitted. "I need some time to get used to the idea."

"Okay, Mer," Izzie said timidly. "I'm sorry."

Meredith sighed. "I know. Look, if you see Derek just tell him that I got finished early and I got a ride home with Cristina."

"Where are you going?"

"I need to clear my head," Meredith answered She slid off the exam table. "Thanks, Iz," she added. "And I'm really happy for you, that you're not."

Izzie bit her lip. "I'm happy for you, too. Even if you're not here with me yet," she smiled softly.

Meredith nodded. "Yeah."

* * *

Meredith convinced Cristina to drive her home, even though it was completely out of Cristina's way. She knew that Cristina wouldn't ask a million and one questions and when Cristina dropped her off without a word, Meredith smiled gratefully at her.

"Listen…"

Cristina held up her hand. "Whatever it is, it'll wait."

Meredith nodded. "Thank you."

"Sure."

Meredith let herself in to the house and kicked her shoes off, before heading into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. She plugged in the kettle and searched for a tea bag, finding some decaffeinated stuff at the back of the cupboard. When her tea was steeping, the phone rang and Meredith nearly jumped out her skin, and regarded it suspiciously, expecting it to be Derek. But when she forced herself to check the call display, she saw that the number belonged to a New York area code and suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to talk to Elizabeth.

She picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Meredith?"

"Yes," Meredith answered, releasing a breath. "Elizabeth, hi."

"Hello. Is Derek home?"

"No. He's still at work. Did you need to talk to him right away?" Meredith asked dutifully. "I can give you his pager number."

"It's fine," Elizabeth assured her. "I just wanted to say hello."

"You just wanted to check up on us," Meredith guessed, but there was no accusation in her tone.

"Yes," Elizabeth admitted. "How are you doing, Meredith?"

"Fine," Meredith answered robotically. "I just…"

"Just?" Elizabeth voice was gentle, prompting, but not prodding.

"I'm … your stupid son and his stupid boy penis!" Meredith erupted, bursting into tears.

Elizabeth let her cry and only spoke once or twice, telling Meredith in a calm voice to breathe, just breathe.

_I don't… I can't… I don't want my mother to die alone._

_Breathe. Just breathe. Breathe._

"Okay?" Elizabeth asked gently, when Meredith had stopped sobbing hysterically.

"Yeah," Meredith breathed.

"Now, what's this about my stupid son and … what was it, his stupid boy penis?"

Meredith was silent, but Elizabeth waited for her; her patience was limitless.

"I'm pregnant," Meredith whispered.

"Meredith," Elizabeth breathed.

"Pregnant," Meredith repeated, a little more distinctly this time. "So, you see how I might blame your stupid son and his stupid boy penis?"

"Yes," Elizabeth chuckled wryly. "I take it you're not overjoyed."

"I'm overwhelmed. I'm…"

"Scared?" Elizabeth guessed.

"Really fucking scared," Meredith admitted. "Sorry," she added sheepishly.

"For what?" Elizabeth asked nonchalantly.

"I just… we were careless, and now I'm pregnant."

"You weren't trying to get pregnant?"

Meredith squeezed her eyes shut. Under ordinary circumstances, she'd be mortified to be having this conversation with Derek's mother, of all people. But she needed to talk, and Elizabeth was a willing listener.

"We were at a hospital benefit," she said, omitting the part about the party that came afterwards. "And we both got kind of tipsy, and it just happened. I guess we didn't use a condom and I haven't been on the pill since before… the first time."

"I see."

"And I guess I just assumed that we'd taken precautions," Meredith said, groaning. She remembered the old adage about assuming something making an ass out of … well, just her, apparently.

"Meredith, take some time and let yourself get used to the idea," Elizabeth advised. "You don't have to decide anything immediately."

Meredith sighed. "But Derek, he…"

"Have you told him?"

"No, but I…"

"Give yourself a couple of days," Elizabeth insisted. "Really." She was silent for a moment and then spoke again. "I'm going to tell you something that I haven't told any of my children. After Derek, I thought that I was finished. I'd had four children by then and I was exhausted. Not to mention that before I had my children, I was finishing my master's, and I felt guilty about abandoning it. I thought I'd finally be able to go back to it, but then I found out that I was pregnant again. I cried until I made myself sick. And I didn't tell Derek's father right away. I went to my sister's and I sat on her porch and I thought about what I needed in my life, and what would make me happy. I took two days to be totally selfish and figure out if I could do it again."

"What made you decide to have it … her," Meredith corrected herself, thinking of Derek's youngest sister.

"I can't tell you that, Meredith," Elizabeth said coyly. "You need to figure out for yourself what your reasons are, either for going through with this pregnancy, or for terminating it."

"How can I do that?" Meredith moaned. "Especially… you know, now. How am I supposed to undo that?"

"You don't," Elizabeth told her.

"What if I told you something else?" Meredith asked, not sure why she was doing so.

"What?" Elizabeth asked.

"You only bought one crib," Meredith said.

"Yes. I… oh."

"Yeah," Meredith said.

"Well, it does run in the family," Elizabeth mused.

"What?" Meredith squeaked.

"Kathleen and Sarah are twins. You didn't know?"

"No," Meredith said weakly.

"Oh, yes. And Sarah has fraternal twins: a boy and a girl."

"Oh, isn't that just wonderful?" Meredith asked.

"Derek's father was a twin, too," Elizabeth added.

"God," Meredith groaned. "Somebody could have told me this before I started trying to reproduce with your son."

Elizabeth chuckled. "I'm sorry, Meredith."

"It's okay," Meredith said with a sigh. Suddenly, she was exhausted. "Elizabeth? Can I call you again later? Maybe in a couple of days?"

"Of course, dear."

"Thank you. Do you want me to tell Derek that you called?" Meredith asked.

"No, I think we'll just keep this conversation between us. If I talk to him now, he'll know something is up," Elizabeth said, with a slight laugh.

"Okay," Meredith said. "Thank you."

"Meredith, you're family. You don't have to thank me. Just take some time and figure out what is right for you and your family. I'll talk to you soon."

"Okay," Meredith replied. "I'll talk to you in a few days, Elizabeth. Bye."

"Goodbye."

* * *

Meredith wracked her brain trying to figure out how to avoid Derek until she'd had time to herself, as Elizabeth had suggested. She couldn't use the family excuse, and Derek knew all of her friends; everyone worked at Seattle Grace and would be working, so she couldn't take an impromptu trip with any of them. Unless…

Meredith crossed the kitchen and picked up the cordless, which sat on the island in the middle of the room. She hit the third speed dial, which was programmed with the number for the house she was still renting to Izzie and Alex.

Izzie picked up on the third ring.

"Do you have any vacation time?"

"What?" Izzie asked, her mouth obviously full of something.

"I need to get out of here. Preferably before Derek comes home."

"Oh, Mer," Izzie said sadly.

"No… it's not what you're thinking. I just need some time to think, and if I'm here with him, I'll end up telling him and that will complicate my thinking. Infinitely. So, do you?"

"Do I what?" Izzie asked blankly.

"Have vacation time?" Meredith repeated, growing exasperated.

"I do," Izzie confirmed. "But you and Derek just went to New York. Isn't your time used up?"

Meredith frowned. "He owes me," she said, almost to herself.

"Who owes you?"

"Just let me take care of it," Meredith told her. "Let's go away. It'll give you some space from George and Callie, and it'll give me time. To think."

"Okay," Izzie said doubtfully. "If you think you can get the time."

"I can," Meredith assured her. "I'm going to head back to the hospital to work on that, okay? Can you be ready in a couple of hours?"

"Sure," Izzie said. "Where are we going?"

"Camping," Meredith said, spotting Derek's fishing pole in the corner.

"Camping?" Izzie squeaked.

"Sure, why not?"

"Okay," Izzie agreed cautiously.

"Thank you, Izzie," Meredith said sincerely, completely aware that Izzie was only agreeing for her benefit. Her loyalty touched Meredith, and she felt genuinely grateful.

"You're welcome, Mer. Two hours?"

"Yes. I'll be there."

Once she hung up with Izzie, Meredith ran around the house gathering supplies. She knew that Derek had some camping gear in the garage and she managed to pull out everything she thought she and Izzie would need and stuff it into the back of her car. Then she gathered some clothes and threw these into a backpack, which landed on top of the camping gear in the trunk.

Meredith broke several speed limits getting back to Seattle Grace and she hurried through the halls, making her way up to Richard Webber's office. She was breathless when she arrived and Patricia smiled at her.

"Hello, Dr. Grey."

"Hi," Meredith said, taking in a deep breath. "Is Dr. Webber in?"

"Yes, but he's reviewing the budget," Patricia said. "Now may not be the best time."

"I really need to see him," Meredith pleaded. "Can you just ask him if he'll see me, for just a minute?"

Patricia looked apprehensive.

"Please?" Meredith asked. "Or… just let me ask him myself. I can do that."

"If he's angry…"

"I'll take full responsibility," Meredith said. "I promise."

"Go ahead," Patricia told her with a sigh.

Meredith walked over to the door and hesitated for a second before knocking.

"Patricia, what _is_ it?" came Richard Webber's impatient, annoyed voice.

"Dr. Webber?" Meredith said.

"Mer – Dr. Grey?"

"Yes. I know you're busy, but I'd like to speak to you for a minute, if I could."

"Come in."

Meredith glanced back at Patricia who breathed a sigh of relief. Then she let herself into the office and closed the door behind her. She appreciated Patricia's stepping aside, but she didn't want to inadvertently provide fodder for the gossip hounds.

"Dr. Webber," Meredith said.

"Yes?" he asked, barely looking up from his paperwork. "What can I do for you, Dr. Grey?"

"Dr. Webber…" she started again. This time he looked up.

"Meredith?"

"I need a couple of days off," she blurted.

His eyebrows shot up and he removed his reading glasses. "Oh?" he asked.

Meredith nodded.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Richard said. "But didn't you and Derek just go away together?"

"We did," Meredith confirmed. "But… uh, this is… I'm going without Derek this time."

Webber nodded and steepled his fingers; he leaned back in his chair to consider her request. "Meredith, is everything okay?" he asked. "I mean, obviously, everything isn't okay. I am very sorry for your loss."

Meredith nodded, a lump forming in her throat. "Thank you," she said around it.

"Derek isn't going with you?"

"No," Meredith replied. "I just need some time alone. Well, with Izzie. That's the other thing. Izzie has some vacation time, but she's scheduled for the next couple of days. I was hoping that you could help me out with that, too."

"Let me make sure I'm understanding you correctly: you want me to approve time off that you're not entitled to, and rework my surgical schedule to allow another resident to go with you?"

Meredith hesitated. "Yes."

Dr. Webber nodded.

"Is your husband aware of your plans?"

"Does he have to be?" Meredith asked defensively.

Richard raised an eyebrow.

"No," Meredith said quietly. "I haven't seen him yet. But I'll let him know, of course."

"Of course," Richard agreed.

"Look, if it's impossible…"

"You can have the time."

"Excuse me?"

"You can have the time," he repeated. "But it's up to you to find replacements for you and Stevens."

"I can do that," Meredith said. "Thank you."

"Fine," Webber said tiredly. "Just let Patricia know so that when I start getting calls here, she can let your Chief Resident know that I approved it."

"Thank you, again."

"Meredith, are we even yet?" he asked, rubbing his eyes before he slid his glasses back on.

"You made her happy," Meredith said quietly. "At the end. That made up for a lot. So… yes. We already were."

She let herself out of his office.

* * *

After making arrangements for her and Izzie's shifts, Meredith had someone at the nurses' station page her husband. A few minutes later, he rounded the corner from it and upon seeing her, he tensed, visibly worried.

"Mer? I thought you went home," he said, coming closer.

"I did. And I had them page you, so don't worry. It's just me."

"Oh, okay," he said, even more confused now.

"I came back," Meredith explained. "I just wanted to let you know that Izzie and I are going to go camping for a couple of days."

"Camping?" Derek repeated incredulously.

"We can go camping!" Meredith said defensively. "Do you think that just because we're girls, we can't go camping?"

He shook his head. "I didn't say that. I'm surprised, that's all. You don't camp."

"I live in the middle of a freakin' island. In amongst nature. I camp every day."

"In your thoroughly modern house," Derek grinned.

"Whatever," Meredith huffed.

"Hey," Derek said, tilting his head and studying her. He reached forward and gently caressed her arm. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Meredith said too quickly.

Derek frowned.

"It's Izzie," Meredith said, giving him the excuse she's come up with on the drive in. She dropped her voice and glanced around them. "It's this thing… you know, the thing."

"The thing?" Derek echoed.

"Yes," Meredith said, her eyes wide.

"Oh," Derek said, catching on. "That thing."

"Uh huh. She's upset, and she just needs to get away," Meredith lied. "So, I'm being a good friend."

"You're a very good friend," he agreed.

"Thank you. So, we're going. Okay?"

"I can't stop you," he said. "But I will miss you. A lot. Two days?"

She nodded, feeling sad for him suddenly. She wanted to tell him, but she knew that his reaction would change everything for her, and she didn't want that.

"Two days," Meredith agreed.

"So, you're heading out tomorrow morning?" Derek asked.

Meredith shook her head. "No. Today."

"What? When?"

Meredith bit her lip. "Now."

"Mer…"

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "It just kind of came up. She called, and she was really upset, and I couldn't say no. She had the time off, and so I asked Cristina to switch with me."

"Wait," Derek said suspiciously. "Cristina isn't going with you?"

"No," Meredith said. "She doesn't know, remember?"

"Right."

"And besides," Meredith added, for good measure, "Cristina doesn't do the supportive girly thing."

"No, she doesn't," Derek agreed. He tilted his head towards a conference room. "Can we talk for a minute?"

Meredith hesitated. "Izzie is waiting for me."

"So, she can wait a bit longer," he said firmly, ushering her in to the conference room.

"Derek, I can't just leave her sitting there, waiting for me. She'll think I bailed on her."

"So better me than her?"

She frowned in response to his statement. "I'll call you tonight, okay?"

"No." He closed the door behind him. "You're not leaving for Izzie, are you?"

Meredith blanched. "I told you, she's upset about George and Callie."

Derek shook his head. "Something is going on with you, Meredith."

"Derek, it's two days. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

"Because I know you," he said adamantly. "Look, I can't stop you from going, but you need to decide, Mer. Either you trust me, or you don't. Either you want us to share our lives with each other, or you don't. I can't force you, but I love you, and I'm trying to be your husband. But it can't be one sided. So, either you trust me, and we communicate, or you run and hide. But you need to decide if you're going to stay or if you're going to go."

"Derek, I just need two days."

He sighed. "So do I, Meredith."


	17. Chapter 17

Time seemed to slow down, and the bustle of the hallway where they stood fell away. Meredith could see it in Derek's eyes, something telling her that if she walked away now, there would be no turning back. And yet, she couldn't just neglect to show up to pick up Izzie. Cristina or Alex, sure. Maybe even George, she could get away with bailing on, but not Izzie. There would be too many questions.

"I can't just leave her there waiting for me," Meredith murmured, looking away from her husband's piercing blue eyes.

"That's what phones are for, Meredith," he muttered. His patience was worn thin – she could hear it in his voice.

"Derek, you're in the middle of a shift," she pointed out. "Do you want me to sit in your office and wait for you so that I can prove myself to you, that I'm a good wife, who isn't going to abandon you?"

He shook his head. "Is that what you think this is?"

"No," she answered quietly. "But you have to trust me, too. I just need to take care of this, and I'll be back. Okay?"

"Fine," he acquiesced. "But we need to talk, Meredith. Really talk."

She nodded in understanding. "More than you know," she said cryptically.

* * *

Derek returned to the scans he was reviewing but he was unable to concentrate on them. His conversation with Meredith left him confused and worried, and as soon as he was able to pawn off his remaining surgeries on one of the residents in his department, he did so, and made his way to his office. Once there, he closed the door and locked it, then sat in the leather chair behind his desk and leaned back, closing his eyes.

Truth be told, he felt like a bit of a jackass for pushing Meredith to abandon her plans with Izzie, but he'd known immediately that it wasn't Izzie running away from her problems; it was Meredith. Whatever progress they'd made in New York had started to slip away, and he wasn't willing to let it happen without a fight. Everything he'd lost in the last few years could partially be attributed to his apathy, and he couldn't let it happen again.

Derek sighed and reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, exhaling heavily. An hour had passed since he and Meredith had parted in the hall, and he started to second guess her promise to return once she'd explained to Izzie. He pulled out his cell phone from his lab coat pocket and stared at it, willing to ring; wondering if she should call her. The seconds ticked by and finally, he couldn't stand it any longer and started to dial her number, only to be interrupted by a knock on his office door.

Impatiently, he stood and strode across the office, and yanked the door open. Meredith stood on the other side, her expression unreadable.

"Hi," she said softly.

Guiltily, Derek shoved his phone back into his pocket and managed to greet her.

"Hi. How'd you know I was here?"

She shrugged. "I heard that you gave your surgeries away, and I figured you were up here brooding."

Derek opened his mouth to dispute that, but shook his head instead.

"What's going on, Meredith?" he asked.

Meredith frowned. "Not here, okay? Can we go?"

Derek nodded, and shrugged off his lab coat, hanging it on the coat rack near the door.

"Are you wearing your scrubs?" Meredith asked.

"Oh," Derek said, looking down at himself and realizing for the first time that he was still wearing the dark blue scrubs. "I don't care," he finally said. "Let's just go home."

Meredith nodded and stood aside to wait for him while he gathered his bag and jacket, and locked the office door.

They were both silent until they pulled out of the hospital parking lot and merged into traffic.

"What's going on, Meredith?" he asked again.

She sighed. "I wanted some time. I need some time, not because I don't value your opinion and not because it isn't a factor, because of course it is. I just need some time to consider everything and to be okay with it, so I thought that I could just do that, but you're right, I can't keep running from you."

Derek's jaw tensed and he said nothing for a few minutes. They came to a red light and he stopped and flexed his fingers on the steering wheel, still silent.

"Derek?" she asked tentatively.

"You're pregnant," he guessed quietly.

Meredith turned away, to look out the passenger side window.

"You are," Derek said. "Aren't you?"

"Yes," Meredith admitted softly. "And I know what you're going to say. I know what you want."

"Do you?" he challenged her.

"Derek, it's written all over your face," Meredith replied.

He swallowed. The light turned green.

"I can't pretend I'm not happy," he said a few minutes later.

"I know."

"Meredith, this… we get a second chance to be parents. We get a second chance."

"We get a second chance to go through it all again," she shot back.

"Or maybe not," he said quietly. "We've done everything we can do, Mer."

"So I've been taking folic acid," she spat. "So what? That doesn't mean it won't happen."

"The chances are so slim…"

"I know the numbers, Derek. The numbers aren't the whole story. The numbers don't tell you know painful it is to lose a child that you loved from the moment that you found out about her."

"Don't you think I know that?" he asked in a quiet growl.

She closed her eyes. "This is why I wanted some time to think."

"It's mine, too."

"I know that!" Her eyes flew open and she glared at him. "I know. Do you think that wouldn't factor into my thoughts? It does, at every second. I just need some time."

They continued on their journey in silence. Not another word was spoken during the ferry crossing the Sound, or as they made the journey from the landing to their home. It was only when Derek parked in front of their house and cut the engine that Derek spoke again.

"I can give you two days, Meredith. But I need you to give me two minutes, okay?"

After a second, she nodded.

"I know you're scared. I know that losing our baby broke your heart and it made you afraid of going through this again. I know that you think that these things are destined to happen to you, but that's not the whole story. We also happened, Meredith. And yes, it was messy and painful – I take responsibility for that – but it was also amazing and beautiful, and it saved my life. And I think it saved yours, too. That's part of the story, Meredith. Not everything you touch is ruined. Ask your friends. Ask your patients. That's all part of the story, Meredith. You're not cursed. Bad things have happened to you, and I'm sorry. I don't want you to hurt. But all of those things have made you a better person: a better friend, a better wife, a better doctor. And now you'll be a better mother. And I'll be a better father. It wasn't for nothing, Mer. We can be better."

As he spoke, tears streaked down Meredith's face and when he was done, her reached over and wiped her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

"Two days," he said. "If that's what you need."

She sniffled and nodded. "I do."

* * *

Though he'd promised to give her the two days, he had no intention of letting her sit and think of all the things that could go wrong, so he gave away his electives and asked Dr. Myers, his second-in-command, to take over his shifts. In the morning, he got up early and packed the car, and then woke Meredith.

"We should get on the road," he whispered, brushing her forehead with his lips to wake her.

"Mmm?" Meredith murmured.

"I thought you wanted to go camping."

Meredith opened her eyes and squinted up at him. "What?" she asked groggily.

"Camping," he repeated. "I thought that's what you and Izzie were going to do?"

"Seriously?" she complained. She turned to bury her face in the pillow.

"Why not?"

"We live in the forest!"

"It's not the same," he reasoned.

"It is!" Meredith insisted, her voice muffled by the pillow.

"We have running water, electricity… we have air-conditioning, Meredith."

"So?" she asked petulantly.

"So, that is not camping. How, exactly, are we communing with nature?"

"There was a squirrel on the driveway yesterday," she pointed out. "I'm communing with nature."

"It'll be good for us."

"How?"

"Well, for starters, we can't avoid each other," he said. "Second, we won't have any distractions. Not cell phones, no pagers."

"I thought you agreed to give me time."

"I did," he said. "And you'll have a lot of time in the woods. And silence. These are both conducive to thinking."

"Derek…" she moaned.

"Meredith, come on. If we stay here, your friends will be calling to check in on you, and we'll be distracted. I don't want that. We need this."

She sighed and rolled onto her back, and stared up at the ceiling.

"Okay," she agreed after a minute.

"Really?"

Meredith sighed again. "I must be insane."

He smiled and kissed her. "Not at all."

"Can I at least shower before we leave?" Meredith asked as he pulled out a duffle bag for her and starting packing his own clothing in another.

"You have twenty minutes," he told her.

Meredith groaned.

True to his word, twenty minutes later, they were on the road, and a few short hours later, they were pitching a tent in the middle of nowhere.

"Are you sure you know how to do this?" Meredith asked skeptically as she regarded a pile of poles and fabric.

"Yes," he laughed. "My dad took me camping from the age of four until… well, until he died." He cleared his throat. "So, yes. I know how to do this. Do you?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Can you really picture Ellis Grey camping?"

Derek laughed. "No."

"Exactly. And Thatcher… well, you know. But you know," she grinned. "I bet Lexie and Molly can't do it, either. Thatcher's not the handy type."

Derek grinned. "No."

They worked in companionable silence for a few minutes and Meredith stepped back to look at the tent they'd erected.

"Pretty impressive," she told her husband.

"I told you," he said.

Meredith just shook her head.

Once the tent was set up, Derek started a fire and they roasted hot dogs and then sat in lawn chairs he pulled out of the trunk.

"Aren't we supposed to be sitting on logs or something?" Meredith teased him.

"Yeah, well… we'll make a few concessions."

"This is the one that you chose to make?" Meredith asked. "You couldn't, say, make the concession where there are showers?"

Derek laughed. "I like you a little dirty."

"Ew, Derek." She wrinkled her nose.

"Are you saying that I don't turn you on when I'm all hot and sweaty?"

"I don't think you've ever been hot and sweaty," she countered with a mocking grin.

"I have so!"

"When? When have you ever worked to the point where you've broken into a sweat?"

"I work with my hands…"

"In an air-conditioned environment, and it's not like there's a lot of physical exertion."

"Well, I seem to recall that we have gotten hot and sweaty at other times."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "That doesn't count."

"Why not?"

"Because," she said.

"Because why?" he pestered her.

"Just because."

"Because isn't an answer."

"Wow, is this what I have to look forward to?" she asked, shaking her head. "I already have a two-year-old on my hands."

"Is that a bad thing?" he asked quietly. And just like that, they were talking about the thing that they'd agreed to not talk about.

"No," she said.

Derek nodded. "I think you'll be an amazing mom, Meredith. Just for the record."

She frowned.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I know. Two days."

"Why are you so certain?" she asked quietly.

"About you being a great mom?"

She nodded.

Derek shrugged. "Because you're you."

"I'm also…" she stopped and shook her head.

"What?" Derek prompted her.

"I'm also Ellis and Thatcher's daughter. They were hardly parents of the year."

"So, you won't do the things that they did."

"Aren't children doomed to repeat their parents' mistakes?" Meredith asked.

"I don't think so. Not if you're conscious of them and you work at not repeating their mistakes. And you're not Ellis. You're not Thatcher, either. You're warm and loving and understanding and forgiving. Those are things that neither of them were particularly adept at. You're going to be a great mother, Meredith."

"Well, they'll have you, at least," she mused.

Derek caught the slip. "They?"

Meredith avoided his gaze. "Well, just speaking hypothetically," she said. "Future children… you know."

"Meredith…"

"Two days, Derek," she reminded him, and then got up to get a soft drink from the cooler.

* * *

They spent most of the day resting and talking about everything but Meredith's pregnancy. When night fell, they got ready for bed in silence, and then crawled into the tent.

"So, there aren't any weird creepy, crawly things in here are there?" Meredith asked as she got into her sleeping bag.

"You can cut open a man's brain, but you can't stand the thought of a bug crawling over you in the middle of the night?" he teased her.

"Derek!"

"Relax, Meredith. They're not going to hurt you."

She frowned, but settled down anyway.

"Wait," Derek said.

"Wait?"

"Come on." He held out his hand to her and she raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Just come!" he said impatiently.

Meredith followed him out of the tent and they stood in front of it.

"What?" she asked. He smiled and pulled her against him, and then turned her in his arms so that her back was flush against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her ear. "Look up."

Meredith tilted her face toward the sky and inhaled. "Oh," she breathed.

"You never see it like that in the city," he said. "It's one of the things that I really missed when I lived in Manhattan."

"I've never seen so many stars," Meredith said. "There's hardly a spare inch of space in the sky." She turned her head to look at him. "Why isn't it like this at home? I mean, our home? We're not exactly in the city?"

"It is," he said. "We just never took the time to look."

Meredith sighed and returned her gaze to the sky.

"I'm just afraid," she said. "It's not that I don't want it. I want you to know that. I'm just afraid."

"I know, Mer."

"Aren't you?"

He was silent.

"Derek?" Meredith whispered after several long minutes had passed.

"Ah," he said. He cleared his throat and pressed his face against her neck, right above her collarbone. Her skin became damp.

"Derek?"

She felt the tremours as his body shook with silent sobs. She lowered her eyes from the heavens and turned to Derek and wrapped her arms around him.

"I promised you two days," he said, his voice broken. "But the truth is, I need them just as much as you do."

She kissed his temple, his jaw line, his lips.

"I know."

"Yeah."

"Just … can we just look up at the stars for a while, Derek?"

"Yeah," he whispered against her mouth. "We can do that, Mer."

* * *

"Okay, seriously?" Meredith asked the following morning, following Derek on a winding path that led them deeper into the forest. "Seriously?"

He chuckled. "Seriously. It'll be worth it."

"I agreed to go camping with you. In the woods. With creepy crawlers and scary animals – which kept me awake half the night, while you were out like a light, may I point out? Camping, Derek. I expected to sit in front of a fire and sing stupid songs about wieners and beans or something."

Derek nearly choked on his laughter, but Meredith continued to rant.

"I did not agree to hike through the damn woods looking for some mysterious waterfall."

Derek stopped in front of her and waited for her to catch up.

"Meredith, you used to love walking with Doc."

"That was to spend time with you when I shouldn't have. Now I can, and we can find better ways to spend our time." She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Are you going to complain the entire way?" he asked her.

She sighed. " No. I'm sorry. I don't mind, really. It's beautiful out here," she observed. "I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well."

_And I have a lot on my mind,_ she thought, but didn't add, knowing full well that he had just as much on his.

"Do you want a ride?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.

"What?"

"Hop on."

"Seriously, Derek?" she laughed. "You cannot piggy-back me."

"Why not?"

"Well, for one thing, we're hiking. You'll kill yourself."

"You weigh nothing, Meredith."

"Still. There are rocks and things."

He laughed.

"And we're not sixteen," she pointed out. "It's ridiculous."

He shrugged. "Don't say I didn't offer."

But he held his hand out to her and kept it in his even though had he released it, he could easily have outpaced her. They continued along the trail.

"So how much further is this mysterious waterfall?" Meredith asked some time later.

"Not much," he said. "It's worth it, Mer. I promise."

Finally, Meredith was able to hear the rush of water ahead and they rounded a corner and found the waterfall.

"Wow," she said, shaking her head as she took it in.

"What do you think?"

"It's … wow."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"How did you find this place?"

"I came out here after Addison arrived in Seattle. I needed somewhere peaceful, to think. It was kind of perfect."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed.

"Come on," he said. He led them to a ledge and sat down on it. Meredith looked dubious but took the place beside him and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I need to tell you something," she said after a few minutes.

"Okay…" he replied nervously.

"Twins," she said.

"Twins?" he repeated, confused.

Meredith nodded. "When I thought I was pregnant, I asked Izzie to give me an ultrasound. I know it was too early to detect anencephaly, but … I wanted it anyway. The heartbeat was really strong, so she found Alex because he worked with Addison, and so he came down and then they were arguing about…"

"Mer," Derek interrupted her. "You're rambling."

"Twins," she said. "That's why the heartbeat was stronger than normal. There were two. We're having twins."

Derek blinked. His breathing grew uneven.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asked her.

"Because, you have a right to know."

"No, Mer. If you don't know if you want to have them, why are you telling me?"

Meredith was aghast. "Is that what you think?" she asked him. "Do you think that I asked for the two days so that I could decide if I was having them?"

"Isn't it?" he challenged her.

"Oh," Meredith whispered. She groaned. "No, Derek. I just needed some time to be okay with it. I just wanted a couple of days to get used to the idea before things started going crazy again. Do you really think I could…. After how painful it was to lose her? I can't go through that again, and if I chose to discontinue this pregnancy, I would be. By choice. I just needed a couple of days to get myself ready for it."

"What does that mean?" he asked her.

She blinked. "Derek…"

"Are we having a baby – two babies?" he corrected himself.

"There's still a day left."

"I'll celebrate quietly."

She hesitated for a moment and then closed her eyes; she let the rush of the water below them carry her forward.

"Yes. We're having our babies. Yes." 


	18. Chapter 18

He'd promised her that he would celebrate quietly, but his eyes spoke volumes and a laugh bubbled over his lips. He turned to her and his smile was infectious. Meredith returned it and felt the tension seep from her bones for the first time in days. Derek pulled her close and buried his face in her hair.

"Are you sure?" he asked after a moment, pulling back so that he could see her face.

"No," she admitted. "But I don't think I'll be sure until they're born and they're healthy and safe."

Derek nodded and outlined her face with his fingertips. "They will be," he swore. "You have to believe that, Meredith."

"I've been conscientious of it for a while," she said. "I mean, that it could happen."

Derek suddenly looked thoughtful. "When did it happen?" he asked her.

She snorted. "Izzie's impromptu karaoke party after the hospital benefit. Does that ring any bells?"

Derek's eyes widened. "I was so out of it," he groaned.

"Join the club."

"Great, we can't remember when our children were conceived."

"I hardly think that they'll want to hear the story," Meredith teased him.

He groaned.

"Anyway," Meredith continued. "I was saying: I've been careful." She bit her lip.

"With?"

"I've been doing everything we can do to make sure that the anencephaly, at least, doesn't happen again. I've been taking folic acid since… well, since. And I know that that doesn't guarantee anything, but I just wanted you to know."

"I never blamed you, Meredith. I meant it when I told you that."

"I know. I just wanted you to know. I don't want you to worry. I know you will. I know that it wasn't easy on you, either. And I don't want you to worry."

"Okay, Mer. But that's part of being a parent, don't you think? I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about them."

"Derek, you're not helping," Meredith told him, but she was still smiling softly.

"I just want you to be okay with this, because it's huge, Meredith. It's the rest of our lives."

She was quiet for a moment, listening to the waterfall.

"I didn't think I'd make it through the last couple of months, and I don't know if I am, even now. Maybe a part of me will never get over losing her. But I know that we are supposed to have a family. It wouldn't have hurt so bad if we weren't."

Derek kissed her forehead and she settled into his arms.

"Wait," he said a few minutes later. "If it was at Izzie's party, you're only about …"

"A little over three weeks," Meredith confirmed. "So we still have a long haul."

"Yeah," he agreed. "It's just… you were able to confirm that it's twins?"

Meredith shrugged. "What, you're not keeping up on the last developments in obstetrics?"

Derek made a face at her.

"Apparently, they're able to tell now as early as three weeks. But we'll get it confirmed at our next appointment, okay?"

"Izzie and Alex know," he mused.

Meredith sighed. "I'm sorry. You should have been there."

Derek shook his head. "It's okay," he assured her. "I'm just concerned about the two of them knowing."

"They won't tell anyone," Meredith promised him. "They saw how difficult terminating the last pregnancy was on me, and they won't tell anyone until we're ready to share."

Derek breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay."

"It's getting dark," Meredith said. "We should head back."

Derek helped her to her feet and they set back towards camp, but took their time, enjoying nature and each other's company. Meredith felt completely at ease and by the time they returned to the clearing where they'd set up their gear, she was chattering happily to Derek.

He put away their gear and then made them dinner. For a long time afterwards, they sat next to each other in silence, dreaming about the future. When night fell, Meredith turned to him and smiled softly in the glow of the campfire, as she finished her s'more.

"This is really kind of disgusting," she commented, even as she licked the last of the chocolate from her fingers.

"Then why did you eat the whole thing?" he countered. "Admit it, you liked it."

"I could do without the marshmallow, but only you would use imported chocolate for s'mores," she grinned. "That wins you points."

Derek laughed.

Meredith yawned and leaned back in her chair.

"Tired?" he asked her.

"I'm going to get ready for bed," she told him.

"Okay," he smiled. "I'll just put this out and I'll be there."

After she disappeared into the tent, Derek sat watching the embers die in the fire. He finally extinguished those that were left and made his way to the tent. He listened to hear the tell-tale sign that Meredith was asleep: her snoring, but there was only silence.

"Mer?" he asked tentatively, unzipping the flap on the tent. "Are you awake?"

"Mmm," came her reply. "I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah," he agreed. He ducked into the tent and rezipped the flap, then held the flashlight out for her to take so that he could undress. He did so quickly and efficiently, but kept his boxers on.

"Didn't you miss something?" Meredith teased him.

He laughed. "Did I?"

Meredith clutched the flashlight on one hand while she inched the zipper on the sleeping bag down a fraction. Derek caught a glimpse of her pale skin beneath it. He sucked in a breath.

"Meredith…"

"I always wanted to make love under the stars," she said.

"We're in a tent."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Work with me here, Derek."

He looked apprehensive. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," she answered confidently. "I'm not sure of much, Derek. But I know that we didn't cause what happened to our daughter and we're not going to hurt our children, now. And I know that I love you, and this is the best way that I can think of to celebrate. And I want to celebrate, Derek. I do. I want to celebrate these babies, and I want to celebrate us."

"Did you really think I was going to put up much of a fight?" he asked after a second.

Meredith smiled and he came to her, his mouth meeting hers and latching on to it. He kissed her until a lack of oxygen forced them to part and they panted breathlessly, trying to regain some sense of themselves.

"You said under the stars," he grinned.

"Well, I won't complain if we're here," she smiled in return.

"No, no… you said you wanted stars, Meredith. So you'll get stars."

"Derek!" she laughed as he tugged the sleeping bag towards the tent's entrance with her inside it. "Let me get out first!"

He yielded to her and watched as her body emerged from the cocoon of the sleeping bag. She stood before him, pale and milky in the moonlight and Derek stared. He stared until Meredith laughed and reminded him that he was in charge of the sleeping bag and if he didn't mind, she'd like to get this show on the road.

Derek rearranged the sleeping back on the ground outside the tent, building a pillow from the flannel shirt he'd discarded just moments earlier. Then he held out his hand to her and Meredith slid back into the sleeping bag, leaving the zipper open enough to allow him ample room to get in with her. But first he discarded the boxers that had offended her, and only then did he join her.

The warmth of their bodies was only magnified by how closely they were pressed together and Derek shifted so that he wasn't pinning Meredith beneath him. When he was lying on his side, he brought his hand up to trail along her cheekbone and in the sliver of light afforded them by the moon and the stars, he saw Meredith's eyes shimmering.

"Okay?" he asked, his voice raspy, afraid that she was crying.

Instead of answering, she brought her mouth to his and drank him in, her tongue pushing past his lips, past his teeth, sweeping the interior of his mouth. Derek did the same and he smiled against her lips.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"You taste like s'more," he laughed.

"Your fault."

"I'm not complaining," he whispered, before claiming her mouth again. "In fact," he murmured between kisses. "There might be some chocolate left. We could get creative."

"There are no showers," Meredith reminded him. "You should count your blessings as it is."

"I do," he whispered against her ear. "Every day."

Inside the sleeping bag, Derek's hands roamed over her curves and he cupped her left breast in his hand before brushing her nipple with the pad of his thumb. His mouth moved from her lips to the curve of her neck and he nipped and sucked and licked along her skin, tasting the saltiness of it. Meredith whimpered softly when he took her nipple between his thumb and forefinger and rolled it gently, sending a spasm of pleasure travelling along her neural pathways to the heat pooling between her legs.

Meredith shifted uncomfortably, the increasing pressure leaving her breathless, panting and impatient. To relieve the pressure, or at least to give herself the satisfaction of knowing that he was in the same amount of delicious pain as she was, she slid her hands down her own body and then moved suddenly, sliding them between his legs and taking his length in one hand while with the other, she teased the skin just a fraction from his testicles.

"Meredith," he hissed, lifting his mouth from her neck.

"You were teasing," she accused him.

"You love it," he countered.

"Sometimes," she agreed. "But not now. Now I want you. Now."

"Be patient, Meredith," he told her from between clenched teeth.

"Why?" she whined when he teased the other nipple. "You're being cruel."

"Am I?" he laughed.

"Yes," Meredith growled.

"What do you want, Meredith?" he whispered in her ear, his voice low and throaty and promising. She shivered.

"I want to remember everything this time," she answered. "I want to see the look on your face right before I make you come."

"Meredith," he groaned as she continued sliding her hand along his penis from base to tip. When she reached the tip again, she unexpectedly swiped her fingertip across it, gathering the semen that was there.

"Are you close?" she whispered, spreading the moisture over him.

He closed his eyes and started to move, to bring himself closer to her.

"Oh no," Meredith denied him. "Not yet. First you have to do something for me."

He panted, grasped, clawed, moaned. And then, finally, he dove into the sleeping back and his mouth was on her breasts, sucking at her nipples, making them rigid and wet with his saliva. He continued on and Meredith cried out when she felt his hot breath against her clit. There was no room to move, no room to escape, even if she'd wanted to. She clutched at his hair, his erection abandoned for the time being. She thought she'd erupt, or collapse or die as his mouth worked magic on her and brought her to the precipice.

"Two million dollar hands, my ass," she growled in frustration.

Derek shook with laughter, but didn't let up. Finally, he brought those multi-talented, priceless hands into the equation and Meredith broke apart, shivering and crying as spasms wracked her body.

She squeezed her eyes shut, called his named. Over and over again until he came back to her and melded his mouth to hers again, stealing what little breath she had left. She could taste herself on his lips and she moaned into his mouth and picked up where she'd left off, sliding her tiny, very effectual fist over his rock hard erection. Derek choked and stammered when she teased his testicles, rolling them in her fingers, stroking them, playing with him until he was senseless.

"Mer…" he gasped. "Mer, I can't… I'm going to… I need to…"

"I know," she soothed him.

"Inside," he panted. He forced her hands away and rolled on top of her.

"Mer," he growled.

"Okay," she said, reaching up to brush away the damp curls from his forehead. "Okay."

He grabbed her thighs, brought her legs up to wrap around him and pushed inside her with a light grunt.

"Oh," he exhaled when he was as far as he could go.

"Derek," Meredith said, the fire reignited and her orgasm building to unimaginable highs. "Move."

"What?" he asked, a little disoriented.

She moved her mouth to his ear. "Move," she instructed him. "Move. Thrust. Go. Please. Please, Derek. Please. I need… I want… come for me."

He squeezed his eyes shut, forced his own need lower and focussed on bring her to a fever pitch again. Meredith clutched at him and he felt her tense and knew that it was almost time. He pulled out and thrust harder and Meredith gasped and clenched him. And then he felt her orgasm.

"Mer," he whispered, even though he was barely capable of coherent thought. "Open your eyes, Mer. Open your eyes, Meredith."

She did and at first they locked on his, but then they started to roll back and to slip closed again.

"Mer, look up," he said, thrusting again. He was so close. So close.

God damn it.

She tore her gaze from his and looked up as he'd asked her to. The sky was littered with tiny stars like diamonds. A billion points of light.

"Oh!" she gasped. It was enough. He came; he was a shuddering, wrecked mess, and he emptied inside her without fear. He let his body tense and then finally relax and still, she looked up at the stars. He collapsed against her, breathing heavily into her neck, both of their bodies covered with a sheen of sweat. Finally, her eyes met his.

"Beautiful," she managed, her voice barely a whisper.

"You are."

"The stars," she said. "And you. And our babies. Us."

"Yes."

She sighed happily. They stayed where they were for several long minutes until Meredith shifted slightly beneath him.

"Sorry," he apologized and pulled out, rolling off of her. Still, in the enclosed space of the sleeping bag, they were pressed tightly together.

"We should do this at home," Meredith said after a minute.

"Sex in a sleeping bag?" Derek asked.

"No!" she laughed. "Sleep under the stars. It's peaceful."

"It is," he agreed. "We can, if you want. We can do anything you want, Mer."

"I don't know if it'll be reasonable when I'm eighty months pregnant and as big as a whale."

"You'll never be as big as a whale."

"We'll see." She sighed and was quiet for a long time. Derek thought she'd fallen asleep.

"Derek?" she said out of nowhere, startling him out of the slumber he was slipping in to.

"Hmmm?" he asked.

"There's something else I want to tell you."

"It's not twins, it's triplets?" he teased lightly, even though he tensed suddenly.

"No," Meredith said. "There's… someone else who knows."

Derek frowned. Cristina. Of course.

"She probably thinks that I pressured you into it," he said bitterly. "I'm McBastard, right?"

"What?" Meredith asked a moment before she caught on. "No! It's not Cristina. I told your mom."

"My mom?" he echoed incredulously.

"Yeah," she confirmed softly. "I just felt overwhelmed and lost, and I needed to talk to somebody. She was the one who suggested the two days."

"What?" Derek asked, confused. "Why would she do that?"

Meredith sighed. "I think she just wanted me to be sure I was ready and I was okay. Because I wasn't, before, and a lot of that fell on you to deal with. That wasn't right, Derek. And I don't know how I'm ever going to make that up to you."

"You don't have to," he assured her without hesitation. "You're my wife. This is how it works. Sometimes I'm the stronger one, and sometimes you are."

Meredith scoffed at that. "It's always you."

"Are you kidding me?" he asked her. "You're stronger than you think you are, Meredith. I've put you through hell, and you survived. You survived Addison, and you survived your mom dying, and Susan's death. You survived Thatcher shutting you out of his life again. You survived Lexie and Molly. You survived your internship, and you survived losing our baby. You did that, Meredith. You're stronger than you think and sometimes you're the one who keeps me going. You saved me, and you were strong enough to do that. Over and over again."

"Thank you," she murmured against his shoulder.

"I love you."

"I love you, too," she said.

He twisted a length of her hair around his finger before letting it fall away.

From somewhere in the woods an owl hooted and Meredith nearly jumped out her skin, causing Derek to break into peals of laughter.

"It's not funny!"

"It kind of is," he chuckled.

"I'm carrying your children," she told him. "You shouldn't mock me."

He kissed her instead. "Go to sleep," he whispered. "We're going home."

* * *

At daybreak, they woke, disassembled the tent and packed their belongings. Meredith slept on the way home and Derek kept glancing over at her as if he was afraid to believe that the weekend had happened and she was beside him, pregnant with his children.

When they reached the house, he gently shook her awake and smiled when her pale green eyes opened and she smiled at him.

"Hey," he whispered, brushing loose strands of hair away from her face. "We're home."

"Home," Meredith murmured.

"Mmhmm," he agreed. "Home Sweet Home. There's no place like home. Home is where the heart is…"

"I've got it," Meredith laughed. "Home."

"Yeah."

He unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door, then walked around the car to open hers.

She laughed at him.

"People are going to know immediately if you keep this up."

He frowned. "And we're not telling them this time, are we?" he asked.

"Not until we get clearance," Meredith agreed. She reached up to trace his stubble with her fingertips. "I'm sorry. It was hard on them, too."

He nodded in agreement. "Okay. Not until we get the all-clear. So, I guess I'll just have to be an inconsiderate ass until then."

Meredith snorted. "Like that won't tip them off, too? Just be normal, Derek. Just be the guy who adores me." She grinned at him.

"Always," he said, drawing her to him.

"I need a shower," she complained, when he finally released her.

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Derek said, his eyes twinkling. "I think I'll join you."

"You have unpacking to do."

"Why me?"

She shrugged. "I have no idea where you keep all that stuff."

"Nice excuse."

She grinned again. "Works for me."

"Well, you know what I think?" Derek asked.

Meredith shook her head. "No."

"I think the unpacking can wait, and we should hit the shower."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You would." But she waited for him at the door.

* * *

After a long, drawn-out shower, where cleansing came second to more enjoyable activities, Meredith disappeared into the kitchen to find something to eat while Derek finally unpacked the car. She was digging into a bowl of ice cream when Derek appeared in the doorway.

"Mer?" he asked, his voice tinged with worry.

"Hmm?" she asked, the spoon paused halfway between the bowl and her lips.

"There are some delivery men here," he said, frowning.

Meredith looked confused, but set down her bowl of ice cream and followed him outside.

"What are you delivering?" she asked one of the men.

"Crib," the other grunted, disappearing into the back of the moving truck to haul it out.

"A crib?" Meredith repeated. She shook her head. "We didn't order a crib. I don't understand."

"Look, lady," the guy shrugged. "I don't ask questions. I just deliver to where I'm told."

"So you don't know who it's from?"

He shrugged again. "I dunno. Oh, wait. I think there's a card." He fidgeted in his pocket and drew out a tiny envelope before handing it to Meredith. "Am I unloading the thing or not?"

Meredith didn't answer him. Instead, she moved closer to Derek and handed him the card. Frowning, he drew it out of the envelope and flipped it open. Meredith watched his eyes get misty and he handed it to her, swallowing the lump in his throat.

In Elizabeth's elegant, loopy handwriting, the note read:

_My darling children,_

I knew you'd find your way.

Love,

Mom.

"Lady, unloading or not?"

"Yes," Derek answered for her. She smiled at him and nodded. 


	19. Chapter 19

Time was marked in small increments now: tiny events that were seemingly insignificant suddenly gained value and importance. Time passed both quickly and slowly as they passed benchmarks in Meredith's pregnancy.

She returned to Dr. Briscombe, but only after she and Derek agreed that they'd had no problem with her care. Still, they discussed involving Addison, even though she'd relocated to Los Angeles, and finally decided that they'd ask for her opinion, but wouldn't seek any further involvement from her. It would be uncomfortable for all three of them.

Meredith decided that she didn't want to share her medical history with Addison over the phone, so at the first opportunity – when she was nearing her eighth week of pregnancy, she and Derek flew to Los Angeles and met Addison for lunch at some trendy restaurant near the beach.

Meredith fidgeted with her napkin as they sat down at the patio table and she reached for Derek's hand.

"So, you said that you were here for professional reasons?" Addison asked, taking a sip of her ice water.

Derek nodded. "We are."

"We?" Addison raised an eyebrow. "Did Chief Webber ask you to convince me to come back to Seattle?"

Derek shook his head. "No, no. That's not it."

Addison tapped her perfectly manicured fingernail on the edge of her menu and waited for him to continue.

"I'm pregnant," Meredith said softly.

Addison swallowed and released the menu. "I see," she said, regaining her composure. "Of course you are."

Derek sighed. "Maybe this was a bad idea."

Addison waved dismissively. "No, no. It just figures." She frowned. "But I'm confused. There are plenty of good OBGYNs in Seattle. I can refer you to someone, if you'd like. She pulled out her Blackberry and flipped through the directory. "Lauren Briscombe is very good…"

"I'm seeing her," Meredith said. "I did the first time, too."

Addison blinked. "Excuse me?"

"I lost a pregnancy. About four months ago."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Addison said kindly.

"Thank you," Meredith said. She cleared her throat. "Actually, we terminated it."

Addison looked surprised. "Oh…"

"The baby was anencephalic," Derek explained, his voice soft.

"I'm so sorry," Addison said genuinely.

Meredith nodded. "We'd like you to be there for the ultrasound in a couple of months." She hesitated. "I understand why you wouldn't agree, but you're the best there is, Addison. You're the best, and even though you don't owe me anything – even though I owe you more than you can imagine – if you would agree to do that, it would mean the world to us. I just want to be sure. Dr. Briscombe is excellent, but she's not you. You might notice something that she doesn't. That ultrasound is so important to us, and we just want to make sure," she rambled.

Addison didn't respond for a moment. While she considered their request, a waitress came over to take their drink orders. Later, Meredith would wonder how she spoke at all, but a few minutes later, three tall glasses of iced tea were placed before them.

It was only then that Addison spoke.

"I'm not coming back to Seattle."

Derek blinked. "Addison, I know that I hurt you. I regret that more than I can say. But this… this is a child we're talking about."

She shook her head. "No, I mean that I want you to make it clear to Richard that I am not returning to Seattle Grace if I come to the ultrasound with you. If he finds out that I'm back in Seattle, he might think that he has an opening, and he doesn't. I closed that door; I had to."

Derek nodded. "I understand." He paused. "Does this mean that you will be there?"

She heaved a sigh. "I must be crazy. My ex-husband, his new wife, and their child? I must be out of my mind. This is fodder for Jerry Springer."

"Well, that's the other thing," Meredith said, biting her lip. "It's not our child."

Addison looked puzzled. "Excuse me?"

"It's children," Derek said, unable to repress his smile. "We're having twins."

Addison shook her head. "Curse of the Shepherds."

He laughed.

"So, you're agreeing to come?" Derek checked.

"In a purely professional capacity, yes," Addison said. She took a sip of her iced tea. "I have to consider it as I'd consider any other consult."

Meredith closed her eyes, feeling overwhelmed with gratitude towards a woman she had once been so envious of. She'd thought that it was Addison's grace and beauty that she was jealous of, but in reality, it was her effortless class. She was, above all else, a class act.

"Thank you," Meredith whispered. She opened her eyes and saw Addison nod in acknowledgement.

Feeling overwhelmed, Meredith excused herself to use the washroom and left Derek and Addison at the table.

When she was gone, Derek turned his full attention to his ex-wife.

"Addison, I don't know what to say," he said. "I … you don't know what this means to me."

"I think I do," she answered quietly. She shook her head. "I know that we don't owe each other anything any more, but I know how much it means to you, to be able to have these children. I know."

"Addison, are you…" Derek began.

She shook her head and smiled ruefully. "No. That's the great irony. I'm not. And I won't be."

Derek's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't know."

Addison shrugged. "Why would you? We're not married anymore, Derek. You are married to Meredith, and the two of you have a life together. I'm just somebody that you used to know."

Derek shook his head. "No, Addie," he said softly. "You were somebody that I used to love."

"I'm not sure that's much better," she said, laughing softly.

"It is," he assured her. "As long as I'm somebody that you used to love, too."

Addison was quiet for a minute, and then she looked up and met his eyes. "You were."

* * *

At eleven weeks, Meredith was finding it increasingly difficult to keep her pregnancy hidden. Naturally tiny, every extra pound was noticeable on her frame, and so she ordered new scrubs in a size larger and hoped that her friends wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Of course, Izzie and Alex already knew about her pregnancy, but she wasn't eager to tell anyone else, not even Cristina.

Derek worried over her, pulling rank several times to make sure that she wasn't working too many hours and wasn't putting undue stress on her body and the baby. Meredith was sure somebody would quibble over the apparent special treatment that she was receiving, but nobody said a word, and she chalked it up to their thinking that finally, the wife of the Chief of Neurology was being treated as such. Normally, she'd hate the distinction, but she understood that Derek's hovering quelled his own fears, and so she kept quiet. But several times, Meredith caught Bailey giving her sidelong looks and she concluded that Bailey at least _suspected_ that something was going on.

When she confided in Derek, he just shrugged.

"I thought you agreed that we were going to keep it to ourselves this time," Meredith said with a frown, stealing the dill pickle spear from the plate where it sat along side the hamburger he'd grilled for their dinner. They sat on their deck, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine after a long shift at the hospital.

"We are," Derek said, setting his plate down on the table. "But who is Bailey going to tell? She's not even going to say anything to us, until we tell everyone."

Meredith narrowed her eyes. "You mean that she isn't going to say anything to _me_," she clarified. "Why do I get the feeling that she's already talked to you?"

Derek smiled sheepishly.

"Derek!"

"She just wanted to make sure that you were doing okay. I told her that you are. We're just taking it one day at a time."

"One slow day at a time," Meredith grumbled.

"I know you're anxious about it," he soothed her, reaching over to rub his palm along her back. "But it'll be here and over with before you know it, and everything will be fine."

"I wish I had your confidence."

He smiled, but didn't tell her that it was all an act.

* * *

By the time their fifteenth week ultrasound arrived, they were both nervous wrecks, but worked hard to convince the other that they were fine. Derek had rescheduled all of his elective surgeries and had the day off and Meredith had traded her shift with Izzie, who suggested it in the first place.

Addison met them at Dr. Briscombe's office and after Meredith had been prepped, she entered the exam room with Lauren.

"Well, I thought I'd share some good news with you before we got started to set the mood," she said brightly. "Your AFP test came back with good results. You're perfectly within range."

"But we're checking anyway?" Derek clarified. "With the ultrasound?"

"Yes," Dr. Briscombe smiled. "We're checking. But this is encouraging."

Meredith released a sigh.

"I'm sorry," she apologized to Dr. Briscombe.

"Why?" she asked, her brow wrinkled in confusion.

"I feel like we're stepping on your toes, asking Ad – Dr. Montgomery to do a consult."

"Nonsense," Dr. Briscombe assured her. "I understand." She moved the wand over Meredith's uterus and watched the screen.

"They're active, aren't they?" she mused, her eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Yes," Meredith laughed.

"Mmm," Dr. Briscombe hummed. "Boys are a handful, after all."

Meredith eyes widened. "Boys?" she choked. "_Both_ of them?"

"Well, at least one from what I can see now. Give me a minute, and… yes. There it is."

"It?" Derek laughed, squeezing Meredith's hand.

"Yes. The penis."

"Penis."

"Honestly, Derek!" Addison laughed. "You are a highly regarded doctor. This in addition to the fact that you're a man!"

Derek made a face at her.

"We're having boys?" Meredith asked. "But … isn't that rare?"

"More rare than twin girls," Dr. Briscombe agreed. "But I'm 99 certain that you're having twin boys."

"Addie?" Derek asked.

She studied the ultrasound picture. "You do realize this is going to cost you extra?" she teased.

"Addison…" he groaned.

"Yes, it appears that Dr. Briscombe is correct. Congratulations," she added softly.

"Are they…" Meredith stopped, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Are they okay? Is everything okay?"

Dr. Briscombe didn't answer for several minutes as she continued to study the screen. She stood aside for Addison. "Dr. Montgomery?" she said, deferring to her.

Addison took her time with the scan.

"Can we turn it around?" she asked Lauren, who nodded. They adjusted the screen so that Meredith and Derek were able to better view it and Addison explained exactly what they were seeing.

"That is the first baby's head, and there is the second baby's head." She continued speaking, explaining that the development looked normal and between that and the AFP levels, she felt certain that the pregnancy was viable.

Derek stared at her for a moment, absorbing her words, as did Meredith. Then they turned to each other.

"I think I'll excuse myself now," Addison said softly, and left the room.

Dr. Briscombe congratulated them, and then made some notes on her chart about the fetal development of both twins before she switched off the machine, cleaned the gel from Meredith's abdomen, and told them that she'd like to meet with both of them as soon as Meredith had dressed.

When Dr. Briscombe was gone, and he and Meredith were left alone, Derek leaned down and kissed her and the tears he'd been holding back ran over, sluicing off his face and onto hers.

Meredith brought her hands up and cupped his face with her hands, returning his kiss until she was breathless and was forced to pull away.

"They're okay?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Derek confirmed. "They're okay. They're better than okay. They're perfect. And you're perfect."

"You're not thinking straight," Meredith chided him.

"No, I am," he assured her. "I'm thinking straight for the first time in months. I'm thinking that our babies are okay, and we're going to have two little boys, and I love you."

"I love you, too," Meredith smiled. She shook her head in disbelief. "I can finally stop trying to hide it!"

"And stealing my scrub shirts," he chuckled.

"What? I haven't… okay, I have," she admitted sheepishly. "But everyone would have taken one look at me and known."

"Meredith," he sighed, bending down again to kiss her neck, her chin, her eyes, nose and lips. "Everything that I have is yours."

She smiled. "Even the ferry boats scrub cap?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? You want my scrub cap?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. You have a thing for ferry boats."

"And you have a thing for me?" he teased her. He slid his hands over her uterus, over their children, resting them protectively.

"God help me, I do," she agreed.

He brought his mouth up to her ear. "Yeah?"

"Derek," she laughed. "Dr. Briscombe is waiting for us. And Addison…"

"Yeah," he agreed, his expression changing. "She just left…" he trailed off.

"This can't be easy for her," Meredith said softly. "You were married for a long time. If I was in her shoes – well, if I was in her shoes, I'd fall on my ass – I'd feel kind of sad right now."

"Yeah," Derek agreed. "Listen, why don't you get dressed? I'm going to see if I can find her to thank her."

Meredith smiled and reached up to pull his head down to her again. She kissed him and then pulled away.

"Go on," she said.

* * *

Derek found Addison in the waiting room, flipping through an issue of In Style that she'd probably read eighteen months ago. When she saw him, she stood and cleared her throat.

"I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye," she said, smiling awkwardly.

Derek nodded. "And I didn't want to… I wanted to say thank you. Really, Addison. There was no good reason for you to agree to do this, but you're here anyway. I don't know how to thank you."

She shrugged. "It's okay. Although I didn't tell you anything that Lauren wouldn't have."

"But it was you," he said softly.

She smiled at this. "Thank you."

"You're okay?" he asked her. "California is good for you?"

"It's … different," she admitted. "I think it could be good."

"You don't have to force it, Addie," he said. "I'm sure Richard would be happy to have you back. And I know Mark would."

Addison raised an eyebrow at this. "Since when do you care about what Mark wants anymore?"

"I don't," he shrugged. "I just wanted you to know that maybe you have something here after all."

She smiled at this. "No, Derek. You have something here. You always did. You had Meredith here from the moment you met her. You had the love of your life here."

"Addison," he began.

She shook her head. "It's okay. I knew it. I knew it for a long time. I certainly knew it after the ferry … I knew. And it was okay. This isn't my home, Derek. But it's yours."

"Why didn't you go back to New York?" he wondered.

"I don't want to go back," Addison told him. "Manhattan was about Derek and Addison, and that doesn't exist anymore. And Seattle is about Derek and Meredith. I need somewhere that is about Addison."

Derek nodded. "I get that," he said.

She was silent for a moment. "Yeah," she agreed. "I think you do."

"Are you sticking around tonight?" he asked. "Meredith and I would like to take you to dinner or something. To thank you."

She sighed. "Derek, please don't take this the wrong way, but I really can't do that. We're never going to be friends, all of us. She's having your children. I'm happy for you, I am, but I really don't want to go there. It's just too weird."

"Yeah," he agreed, his voice tinged with regret. "I'm sorry, Addison."

"Me too."

"Please don't… don't fall of the face of the earth, okay? Okay, Addie?"

She smiled softly. "Oh, Derek."

"You were my first love," he told her. "My first real love. And I did love you."

"Just not like you love her," Addison smiled.

Derek didn't reply.

"I loved you, too," Addison told him. "I'll … you won't be the last to know, okay? Whatever happens. I still talk to the girls…"

He nodded. "Yeah. Good."

"I should go," she said, making a point of checking her watch.

"Okay," he said. "Just… thanks again, Addison."

She nodded. "Congratulations, Derek. Give Meredith my congratulations, too."

"I will."

She started for the door.

"Addie?" he called. She turned and pivoted on her stilettos.

"Yes?"

"Good luck, Addison," he said softly. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

She nodded. "Goodbye, Derek."

She left the office.

"Goodbye, Addie," he said softly, and then turned and went back to Meredith.

* * *

Once they'd finished talking to Dr. Briscombe, Derek suggested that they go out for dinner to celebrate. Meredith smiled and happily agreed, and he explained that Addison had an early flight and wouldn't be able to join them. She seemed to understand what he wasn't saying and didn't push. She felt remarkably at peace with his relationship with Addison, and felt secure that Derek loved her, so she just smiled and slipped into the car beside him.

"We should invite your friends," Derek said.

"Really?" Meredith asked, surprised.

"Yes. We should tell them."

"Alex and Izzie already know," she pointed out.

"Yes, but George and Cristina don't."

"You don't want to keep it to ourselves tonight?"

"No. Do you?"

"No," she laughed. "I can't believe we can finally tell people, though. It doesn't seem real."

"It is," he assured her, the slight grin he wore spreading until it lit up his entire face.

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. Her smile soon matched his and she laughed. "But I think we should tell your mom first."

"Yeah?"

Meredith nodded. "She's been so great, Derek. I want her to know that everything's fine, and she has more grandchildren on the way."

Derek smiled happily.

"I want to call her," Meredith decided. "But I didn't bring my phone," she remembered.

"My phone is clipped to my bag," he said, gesturing towards the backseat. Meredith readjusted her position and reached for his bag, and pulled the whole thing into her lap.

"It's not there," she said, with a frown.

"Oh, it must be in the pocket then," he told her.

Meredith unzipped the bag and reached inside, extracting not just the cell phone, but also two tiny Baby Gap sleepers that read "delive(red)" and "diape(red)." She held them up so that they were in Derek's peripheral view.

"Derek?"

He glanced over.

"Okay, I know we agreed not to buy anything until we got through this ultrasound, but I had to, Meredith! It's for charity!"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Bono told me to?" he tried.

She snorted. "Nice try."

"They're cute, Mer!"

"They are," she agreed with a sigh.

"I saw these t-shirts there that say 'Ladies Man'," he grinned. "And now that I know we're having boys…"

Meredith shook with laughter.

"That sounds like something Mark would buy," she observed.

Derek glowered.

"Oh, come on," she said. "He's trying."

"So?"

"So, he's trying."

"Yeah," Derek said, but let it rest at that. Meredith didn't push further. Instead, she continued searching for his phone and finally dug it out of the bag.

She found Elizabeth's number in the phone book and soon was waiting for her mother-in-law to pick up, which Elizabeth did on the third ring.

"Hello?"

"Elizabeth? Hi, it's…"

"Hi, Meredith."

Meredith laughed. "Oh, you knew."

Derek flashed her a grin.

"Of course," Elizabeth said good-naturedly. She paused. "How are you?"

"I'm … the ultrasound went well," Meredith said. She started to tear up and couldn't speak further.

"Oh, Meredith," Elizabeth said. "Everything is fine?"

Meredith nodded, and then felt like an idiot for doing so. Elizabeth wasn't here. She wanted Elizabeth to be here.

"Yes," she said hoarsely. Derek reached over as they pulled up to a stoplight and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand to soothe her.

"Oh, Meredith," Elizabeth said again. "Oh, my dear. I'm so … congratulations."

Meredith choked back a sob. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Is Derek there?"

"We're driving," Meredith explained. "Well, he's driving."

"Okay. Will you call me again as soon as you arrive at your destination? I'd like to speak to him as well."

"I will," Meredith promised.

"Thank you. Congratulations, Meredith. I can't wait to meet your babies."

"Boys," Meredith said.

Derek smirked proudly.

"Boys?" Elizabeth echoed.

"Yes," Meredith laughed.

"Well, it figures," Elizabeth snorted.

Meredith laughed so hard that she had to wipe tears from her eyes.

"Two miniature Dereks," Elizabeth mused. "That's quite a handful."

"I know," Meredith laughed. "I have enough on my hands with the one I have now."

Derek made a face and she winked at him.

"I'm so happy to hear this news," Elizabeth said. "I love you, dear. I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you," Meredith whispered, getting choked up again.

"Okay, I'll let you go," Elizabeth said. "Give Derek my love, too. Have him call me back, okay?"

"I will. Bye, Mom," she whispered.

She hung up and turned to Derek, the tears flowing freely now. He looked alarmed at her expression and pulled off on the shoulder of the road and gathered her against him.

"Shhh," he soothed her.

"No," she laughed, pulling away and wiping at the tears. "I'm happy, Derek. I'm so happy."

"Me too," he agreed with a sigh, kissing her forehead.

"She wants you to call her."

"I will," he said. "But right now, we have some people to tell." He picked up his phone from where it sat in her lap and handed it to her. "Gather the troops." 


	20. Chapter 20

_Thank you for the reviews of the last chapter. I was a little concerned about how Addison's involvement would be received, but I think that it was the right thing to do, for all of them. In the comments, somebody mentioned something that I'd like to take a moment to address, which is the idea that one of the babies should be a girl as a memorial to their lost child. I purposely stayed away from doing that, because I felt that their having a girl might be seen as them having a replacement for their daughter. I want them to have a fresh start, and to appreciate their family for what it is. In time, I think they'd decide to have more children, but I wanted this pregnancy, and these children, to be wanted, valued, and loved in their own right. _

_As always, thanks for reading. On with the second last chapter...  
_

* * *

Meredith and Derek's nerves waxed and waned for the duration of the pregnancy, and as Meredith's due date drew closer, they were definitely in the waxing phase. Oddly enough, Meredith was somewhat calmer than her husband; she was anxious to meet her children, but after everything she and Derek had endured in the past year, childbirth seemed to her to be something not only bearable but also welcome.

Over a month before the due date, she was winding things down at work, even though some small part of her regretted that she had to do so. She was torn between her instinct to take care of her patients, and a newer, more primal one: to take care of her children. Cristina scoffed when Meredith had explained that she was taking an extended maternity leave; she didn't understand why Meredith would willingly fall behind her peers when every opportunity had been afforded to her to make the transition to motherhood as seamless as possible.

"I owe it to them," Meredith had explained stubbornly, refusing to let Cristina kowtow her into changing her mind.

"You don't even _know_ them!" Cristina had said with some exasperation.

"They're my children, Cristina!" Meredith had snapped, her irritation growing. Cristina didn't understand; she wasn't a mother. Already, Meredith had started to view herself as a mother; she'd felt it in her bones from the moment she'd found out about her pregnancy.

"Meredith, come on! You're one of the best! You're Ellis Grey's daughter. Do you think I'd be saying this to Izzie?"

"That's insulting," Meredith muttered.

"Oh, what? So now you're defending Tinkerbell?"

"I'm not Izzie," Meredith finally said, after allowing a long silence to elapse. "But I'm not you, either. This has been the most trying year of my life. I've experienced the lowest low of my life, and I'm about the experience the highest high. I want this. I need this, Cristina. I _need_ it."

Cristina shook her head. "How do you know?" she badgered her. "How do you know that what you really need isn't in the O.R.?"

"I just know," Meredith said with finality, effectively ending the conversation. She shook her head again and softened a little. "It's something that took me a while to figure out, Cristina. When you were supposed to marry Burke, I still thought that it was up to fate. But it's not. It's up to me. It's up to me, and it's up to Derek. And this is what we want."

Cristina shook her head again. "I just don't want you to have any regrets, Meredith."

She smiled at her friend. "I know. I don't."

She repositioned the charts that she was carrying and nodded her head in the direction of the nursing station. "I have to drop these off and then I'm out of here. We're still on for escaping from Izzie's not-so-surprise baby shower tomorrow, right?"

Cristina made a face. "God, yes."

"Thank you," Meredith said.

"I've gotta run," Cristina replied, looking for an out, any out, to avoid the spectacle of saying goodbye.

"Of course," Meredith nodded as Cristina turned and dashed off.

Reluctantly, Meredith handed the charts off and then sought out the residents' locker room. It was a blessing to find it empty and she collapsed on a bench nearest her locker and let herself relax for the first time that day. She closed her eyes and sighed heavily, rolling her head forward and resting her chin on her chest. She nearly jumped out of her skin when a pair of hands came to rest on her shoulders and deft fingers worked over the tenses muscles in her shoulders. Her eyes flew open and she turned her head to see her husband's twinkling eyes and amused smile.

"Hi," he greeted her, bending down to drop a kiss on the back of her neck that bled an involuntary shiver out of her.

Meredith closed her eyes again, relaxing into his touch.

"What are you doing in here?" she asked him.

"I thought I would come home with you."

"I thought you weren't done yet," she murmured.

"Turns out that my services aren't required after all."

"Oh?"

"One looks like it's resolving itself, but we'll see in the morning. And the other died."

"Sorry," she whispered.

He didn't answer. Instead, he continued to massage her. "Let me take you home," he said softly. "Let's go home."

"Okay," Meredith agreed. "Just let me change, okay?"

Derek reluctantly released her and moved away and Meredith opened her eyes.

"I still don't know what I'm going to do at home all alone," she sighed. Despite her earlier conviction when she was talking to Cristina, in private, with Derek, she had expressed many reservations about leaving work so early.

"You won't be alone," Derek said casually.

Meredith turned to look at him, her eyebrows raised. "Don't tell me you're going on paternity leave, too. How in the world did you get Webber to approve that?"

He laughed. "I'm not. Yet. I still plan on taking time off right before and after the boys are here. But there will be people around all the time, Meredith. Do you really think that I'm going to leave you out there, heavily pregnant while I'm off in the O.R.?"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. Your friends and I just made arrangements."

"You're having them check up on me?"

"Visit you," Derek corrected her. He grinned at her.

"Derek!"

"What?" he asked, truly baffled. "You like your friends, remember?"

"I don't need them to baby sit me!"

"You need them, Meredith. And that's okay; it really is. Because at the end of the day, I'll be there with you. And I'll be there with you in the morning. I talked to Richard; I'm going to cut down on my hours. He's hiring another neurosurgeon who will pick up some of the slack…"

"Derek," Meredith interrupted him, shaking her head. "You're the head of your department."

"And I will still be the head of my department, Mer. I'm just cutting back on the hours I'm logging for a while. We'll re-evaluate later. For right now, we need to make sure that you're comfortable and taken care of, and that you are the priority. You are always my priority, Meredith."

"I feel guilty," she admitted.

"Why?" Derek asked. "You'd do the same for me."

"If you could be the one to be pregnant, that would be just the tip of the iceberg of things I'd do for you!"

He grinned in response and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Meredith snorted and propelled herself to her feet to open her locker so that she could retrieve her clothes. Derek sat back and watched appreciatively while she stripped off her scrubs. He reached out and his fingers circled her wrist to stop her from pulling on her change of clothes.

She looked at him inquisitively and sucked in a sharp breath when she saw the expression on his face.

"Derek," she sighed. "Seriously? Here? Now?"

"Yes," he said slowly, standing and pinning her against the cool metal of the lockers. "Yes. And yes."

"Derek," she warned him, even as his mouth melded with hers and her eyes slipped closed. "We're in a locker room. A pretty public locker room."

"It doesn't have to be," he argued, his lips leaving hers so that he could move to the satiny column of her neck. He licked and sucked and bit and breathed against her and Meredith found herself closing her eyes and tangling her fingers in the curls of his hair, her nails scratching absentmindedly against his scalp. She moaned as he reached a particularly sensitive spot that sent tremours coursing through her.

"There's a lock on the door," Derek continued.

"And how is this going to work?" she asked breathlessly as he ground his body against her, leaving her with no doubt as to how worked up he was.

"Wow, has it been that long?" he teased her.

"It's been awhile," she moaned, trying to remember the last time they'd had both the time and the energy to make love. She blinked rapidly, trying to clear the heavy fog that was settling in her brain. "But that's not what I meant."

"Hmmm?" he asked, the same fog clearly settling in his brain.

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not quite as flexible as I used to be," she said, pushing against him with the heels of his hands.

"We'll work something out," he promised her. "Rumour is that I'm good at bendy things."

She snorted and reluctantly slipped away from him.

"Derek, the sooner you let me get dressed, the sooner we can leave. And go home where we have a nice, comfortable bed that is more conducive to these things at the moment."

He sighed and banged his head against the neighbouring locker. "I could make it work, Mer."

"I'm sure you could," she smirked.

"Fine," he grumbled, standing aside to let her dress. Once or twice, Meredith glanced over at him.

"Do you need a minute?" she teased him, looking pointedly at the unmistakeable bulge beneath his scrubs.

Derek scowled. "I need you. Or a cold shower. But preferably you."

"Later," she promised him.

She finished dressing and slung her purse over her shoulder.

"Do you want to change first?" she asked him.

He shook his head. "I just want to get home."

Meredith laughed. "Let's go."

They couldn't get out of there fast enough.

* * *

True to his word, Derek was very skilled at all things bendy and she fell asleep in the crook of his arm, sated and blissful. He stayed with her, listening to her soft snoring and stroking her hair until his arm ached. His other hand etched nonsensical patterns over her swollen abdomen, followed by word: _Love, Daddy, Mommy, perfect, babies, sons, blessing. Thank you._

Derek's cell phone, still clipped to his bag on a chair he'd abandoned it on when they'd come in, lit up and he was thankful that he'd remembered to set the ringer to silent. He slipped out of bed and padded across the bedroom naked to retrieve it, even though he hated having to leave Meredith's side. He'd been waiting for this call all day and he grabbed his boxers and slipped out of the bedroom to answer the phone. In the hall, he flipped the phone open and held it to his ear while he pulled the boxers on.

"Hey," he whispered. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes. Everything is fine. My flight was on time and George met me at the airport. I'm at the house now. I can't believe she didn't figure it out."

"Me either," Derek admitted. "She figured out the shower, but that's it."

"She won't be too upset? That I'm here? We've talked quite a bit recently, but I still get the feeling that Meredith has some reservations."

"About her own family," Derek said. "Not about you. She fell in love with you from day one, Mom. Despite her best efforts not to."

Elizabeth laughed. "It's mutual."

"I know," Derek replied. "Thank you."

"I'd better let you go before Meredith gets suspicious."

"She's resting," Derek said, unable to stop himself from grinning.

"Oh," Elizabeth said knowingly. "I see."

Derek chuckled. "I'm going to get back to her."

"Yes. I'll see you tomorrow, Derek."

"Bye," he said, and hung up. He walked over to the fridge to grab a bottle of water before heading back upstairs, but nearly dropped it when he turned to find Meredith standing behind him.

"Who was that?" she asked.

"Oh, uh…" he stammered.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Izzie? Are you in on this? Please tell me you're not, because if you thought it was a good idea for me to be forced into going to a baby shower with the entire staff of Seattle Grace, I might have to castrate you, and then these will be your only children."

"There might be more?" he asked, ignoring everything else she'd said.

"Focus, Derek."

He laughed. "It's not everyone. And you're not supposed to know."

"Well, I do."

"It's just us," he promised her. "You, me, Izzie, Alex, George, Cristina, Bailey, Joe, Walter… maybe a couple others…"

"The last time Izzie had a party there…" Meredith started.

"The last time Izzie had a party there, we ended up having a very good time together."

"So not the point, Derek."

"Relax," he said, handing her the bottle of water and taking another out of the fridge for himself. He stepped closer to her and wrapped his arms around her. "I threatened to keep her out of surgery for a month if she invited too many people. I had full approval of the guest list."

Meredith went limp against him and sighed. "I knew there were advantages to marrying my boss."

He laughed.

"Technically, I'm your boss' boss," he reminded her.

"Technically, I'm your boss," Meredith said, leaning back to grin at him mischievously.

He bowed his head and kissed her hungrily. "Yes," he admitted. "In all the ways that matter."

* * *

Meredith reluctantly followed Derek to the door of her old house, dreading having to go inside and be the center of attention for the afternoon.

"Hey, hang on," she urged him and wrapped her arms around him. She buried her face in his shoulder and clung to him and he hugged her back.

"It won't be that bad," he chuckled.

"Ugh," Meredith moaned. She let her hands slide lower and he choked back a groan.

"Mer, seriously? You'd seduce me to avoid going in there?"

"What? No! I can't help it that you're hot and I want you."

"Mer, you're stalling."

"I'm not," she disagreed petulantly. Her hands continued to investigate him.

"Oh," he said, catching on. He gently pushed her back and reached into his pocket, extracting his car keys. "Were you looking for these?"

"Wow," Meredith said. "Are you feeling insecure or something?"

Derek shook his head. "You're trying to escape!"

"Derek!" she whined. "Please take pity on me. I'm the mother of your children!"

"Yes," he said, kissing her forehead. "You are. You are the beautiful mother of my children, and your friends want to celebrate that with us. It won't be bad, Mer. I promise."

"You don't know Izzie as well as I do," she grumbled, but allowed him to ring the doorbell. She stood stiffly at his side until the door opened and Izzie beamed at her.

"Hi," she said, standing aside. "So, the tapes that I was wondering about are in the living room. I'm sorry that we had to do this today, but it's the only day I'm off, and…"

"I know, Izzie," Meredith said. "It's fine. Let's just get this over with. Where are they, again?" she asked, playing along, despite her desire to roll her eyes very pointedly.

"Living room," Izzie said breathlessly, her face lighting up.

Meredith reached for Derek's hand and he squeezed it, and then followed her into the living room, which erupted with a chorus of "Surprise!"

"Oh my God," Meredith said with an obvious lack of surprise. "This is so unexpected."

"You knew!" Izzie said accusingly. She sounded dismayed. "Who told?" she asked accusingly. Her gaze fell on Cristina and she scowled at her. Cristina scowled right back, and won, as Izzie sighed and turned away.

"Well, whatever," Izzie said. "You came, and that's what matters. So I have some games set up, and then there is food in the kitchen, and…." She continued to ramble, but Meredith tuned her out.

As Derek had promised, the gathering was small, and Meredith even found herself relaxing and almost enjoying herself. After they ate, she allowed Izzie to lead them through one game, during which Cristina rolled her eyes almost constantly, but ended up winning.

"I always win," she said with a shrug, tossing her "gift" – a package of receiving blankets – at Meredith.

After the games, they started on the gifts, and Meredith was overwhelmed by her friends' generosity. She and Derek hadn't gone too crazy with buying things yet, preferring to wait until the twins arrived safe and sound, and they hadn't kept much from the first pregnancy, either. They'd wanted a fresh start. Alex handed Meredith an envelope with a gift card to Babies R Us. He shrugged.

"I don't do baby stuff," he said.

Meredith grinned and thanked him.

George gave Meredith a rocking chair and for each of the boys, a baby book and she thanked him with tears in her eyes.

Cristina's gift was coin banks for each of the boys, and a selection of classical music CDs. "My mother insists it helped make me the genius I am today," she grinned.

They continued passing her gifts, and a pile of tiny outfits and other items grew before her and Derek. Izzie was the last person to hand over a package.

Meredith carefully opened the gift that Izzie had painstakingly wrapped and pulled out two knit caps and matching pairs of booties. Under these were two hand-knit blankets and Meredith let out a breath before turning to her.

"Izzie, wow. Did you make them?"

She shrugged. "I was always better at knitting than you were," she said. "You were too easily distracted."

Derek chuckled and Meredith reached over to swat him.

"I've had a lot of time on my hands, lately," Izzie added, and then got to her feet. "I need to check something," she said lamely. "I'll be back."

She disappeared into the kitchen.

Meredith bit her lip and then turned to Derek. "Can you handle the rest?" she asked. "I just need to talk to her for a minute."

He nodded and Meredith followed Izzie into the kitchen.

"Iz?" she called. Izzie was in the pantry and when she came out, her eyes were red-rimmed.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "This is supposed to be your day and I'm ruining it."

"You're not ruining it," Meredith said. "What's wrong, Izzie?"

Izzie shook her head. "He's staying with Callie. You know? He's staying with her, and I… he's here because it's for you. But he's staying with her, and now I…. I'm sorry, Mer. I didn't want to ruin your party. I'm …"

Meredith sighed. "Izzie."

"I'm sorry," she repeated. She laughed dryly. "You know, everyone always thinks that the skinny blonde always wins…"

"Iz."

"God," Izzie groaned. "That probably sounded really awful, right?"

Meredith shook her head. "I know you didn't mean it that way."

"But I did," Izzie whispered. "It isn't supposed to happen this way. He's supposed to pick me."

"I know, Iz. I know."

"It's not going to be like it was with you and Derek, is it? He's not going to realize that he wants me after all, is he?"

"I don't know, Izzie. Maybe."

"No," Izzie decided. "It won't. Because he loves her, too. And I guess he just loves her more."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Izzie said with a wistful sigh. "Well, at least it worked out for one of us, right? Derek adores you."

"I'm very lucky," Meredith agreed. "Especially this year. We shouldn't have made it through this year."

"But you did."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. "We did."

"So you should celebrate it," Izzie decided, wiping away the remnants of her tears. "Okay?"

"Yeah," Meredith said, feeling grateful suddenly for all of it. "We should." She held out her hand to Izzie and together they returned to the living room.

"Did you finish?" she asked Derek, settling back down beside him.

"One more," he said.

"Oh?"

"It's from me."

She raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Okay," she said tentatively. "What is it?"

"Me," said a voice from behind them. Meredith turned quickly, coming face to face with Elizabeth.

"Oh!" she said in surprise, her face lighting up. She got to her feet again and Elizabeth came forward to hug her.

Elizabeth held her at arm's length and inspected her.

"You look tired," she said.

Meredith laughed. "Everyone else tells me that I'm glowing."

"Yes, people lie to you a lot when you're pregnant," Elizabeth laughed.

"How long are you here?" Meredith asked. She looked confused. "Wait, if you're a gift…"

"As long as you want, Meredith. Don't worry, I won't be moving in. I love New York. But I'd love to help after the babies arrive, if you'd like. I'm at your service."

Meredith couldn't help glancing over at Cristina, whose disapproval was written all over her face.

She frowned, and then turned back to Elizabeth with a smile.

"I'm so glad you're here," she told her mother-in-law sincerely and offered her a seat among her circle of friends.


	21. Chapter 21

Elizabeth returned to New York until Meredith's due date was imminent, insisting that she didn't want to infringe on Derek and Meredith's time alone together before the babies were due to arrive. Having her there for the shower was an unexpected gift to both of them, and Meredith used the few days following to ask her mother-in-law every question she could think of that hadn't been sufficiently answered from books or her own medical knowledge.

Elizabeth returned to New York, promising to return closer to the due date, but was back in Seattle sooner than any of them had expected. Meredith had woken in the middle of the night wracked with contractions. Derek was sleeping soundly next to her and she breathed through her contractions, not wanting to wake him. But eventually, she could no longer convince herself that it was a false alarm and she nudged him awake.

"Derek," she murmured, and then squeezed her eyes shut to deal with the tightening in her lower body.

His eyes opened slowly.

"Mer?" he asked sleepily.

After that, everything was a blur. Meredith tried to push down her fear: it was earlier than either of them would have liked, but she knew that at seven months, the twins had a good chance at survival. Derek drove as though he was at Indy – too fast, she'd tell him later – and took advantage of his premium parking spot at the hospital, before coming around to help her out of the car.

Ordinarily, Meredith would have felt guilty about being pushed through to the head of the line, but between the physical pain, and the more terrifying emotional trauma, she hardly noticed anyone else in the hospital, ignoring the room full of patients, the admitting nurse, and even fellow co-workers. Her eyes remained on Derek, relying on him to take charge while she focussed on the babies.

It wasn't long before she was in the maternity ward, and Dr. Briscombe was entering the room smiling at her encouragingly.

"Good morning," she greeted them.

"It's morning?" Meredith asked, panting.

"A little past three, actually," Lauren said, consulting her watch. "It seems that your boys are taking after the two of you in your schedules."

Despite this, the twins didn't seem to be in any hurry to arrive, and while they waited, Meredith urged Derek to call his mom. After Elizabeth had been informed, he stayed at Meredith's side, soothing and encouraging her. Hours passed and she told him to go home and get some sleep, after Lauren informed that they still had some way to go.

"I'm not leaving," Derek insisted stubbornly.

"Then at least go find an empty on-call room," Meredith urged him.

"No. I'm staying right here."

"Derek…"

"Meredith," he returned. "No."

She sighed, and paged a nurse; she asked for a cot to be brought in to the room.

"You worry too much," Derek grumbled when she insisted.

"Practice," Meredith told him.

Derek dozed off and on for a few hours, but gave up when Meredith kept letting out soft whimpers of pain.

"I'm sorry," she apologized.

Derek shook his head. "You have nothing to apologize for."

Meredith bit her lip. "It's so early, still."

"It's not that early," Derek argued. "And they're developing perfectly. They're going to be fine, Mer."

"I've just tried so hard, not to worry, and I was finally starting to feel like we've turned a corner and everything was going to happen the way it should be, and then this happens. It's too soon, Derek. It's too soon, and I can't imagine losing …"

"Shhh," he cut her off. "We're not going to lose them. Everything will be fine."

"You don't know that!" she snapped. "You thought that everything would be fine last time, but I knew. Didn't I?"

Derek sighed, but he sat up and inched off the cot before he moved over to her bed. "Move over," he said.

"What?"

"Meredith," he sighed. "Please."

She looked at him warily, but slid over enough to allow him room. He squeezed onto the bed beside her and wrapped his arms around her.

"I know you're scared," he said. "And I know that you think you know something that the rest of us don't. I know you think you feel something that we don't. But I feel something, too."

She looked up at him, her eyes still wary.

"I feel our babies," he said. He let her go and took her hands in his, sliding them down to her abdomen. When they were over their children, he kept his hands on top of hers and brought his mouth to her ear.

"They're there, Meredith. And they're safe, and in a few hours, they'll be here. They'll be small and they'll need some help for a while, but they're going to be just fine. They have a whole family waiting for them. Izzie and Alex are making sure everything is ready for them, and Cristina is sitting out in the waiting room. She was working all night, but she's waiting for our babies. George is on his way back in, and Bailey and the Chief are waiting for news, too. They're all here. Mom is probably halfway here by now, and my sisters have all left messages wishing us luck – yes, even Nancy – and I'm here, right beside you. Everything is going to be fine."

She sniffled. "I wish…"

"What?" he whispered.

She laughed. "It's kind of funny. My mom was not a baby person at all, but I kind of wish she was here. She wouldn't exactly be comforting, but she'd be reassuring in some way, I guess."

"She's here, too, Mer."

She laughed dryly. "In my heart, right? Ellis Grey didn't live in anyone's heart, Derek."

"No," he said. He kissed her temple. "She's in there. She's fighting against all of these emotional reasons you're coming up with. She's that little voice in your head saying that they're ready, Meredith. You are ready."

"You're not scared?" she asked him.

Derek smiled. "Only that we're going to take them home soon and I'll be their father."

"Oh, great!" she said. "I was thinking that you'd pick up my slack."

"We'll do it for each other," Derek said against her hairline.

Meredith didn't think that time could pass more slowly than it did during the long morning and afternoon after they'd arrived at Seattle Grace. Finally, in the early evening, Dr. Briscombe determined that Meredith had dilated enough to start pushing and she gripped Derek's hand in hers as she began.

Aidan arrived first, tiny and pink and with his father's dark hair sprinkled on his head. Ethan followed, with even less hair, but also less fuss than his brother. They were so small that Meredith's breath caught in her throat, and she insisted that Derek go with them. He looked torn but finally agreed and went to check on the boys. A few minutes later, he was back.

"They're doing okay, Mer," he told her and repeated himself until she nodded in understanding and started breathing normally again. He reached for her hand and curled his fingers around hers. "They're fine, Mer. They're okay. And they're beautiful."

"I want to hold them," she said. "I didn't get to."

"Soon," he promised her.

"Are they taking them up to NICU?" Meredith asked fearfully, imaging her tiny babies inside incubators.

"Just to monitor them right now," he answered. He smoothed back her hair with his free hand and kissed her forehead.

"Derek, I want to see them. I need to… I need to."

"I know," he answered her. He squeezed her hand. "I'm going to find Lauren, okay?"

Meredith nodded. "Derek…"

"I'll be right back," he assured her. He disentangled his fingers from hers and left her side momentarily.

Every time he came back without the babies, Meredith's heart sank. But Derek reassured her that they were doing well, and urged her to rest, a request she found completely ridiculous. Derek moved between his wife and children over and over again, trying to reassure Meredith and be at her side as much as possible. Izzie and Alex took over care of the twins when Dr. Briscombe was paged to another patient, and he made arrangements with them to bring Meredith to the babies as soon as she was able to come.

He returned to the room she'd been moved to and found her asleep. He collapsed in the chair beside her and soon drifted off himself, only to be awakened a short time later when Meredith reached out to comb her fingers through his hair.

"Hi," he greeted her sleepily.

"Derek?" she asked, and he smiled softly, trying to reassure her. "Are they…?"

"They're upstairs," Derek answered her. "With Alex and Izzie. Do you want to go up there?"

She nodded tearfully, and he felt a pang of guilt and sorrow that her friends were there with their sons, and she had yet to see more than a glimpse of them. He helped Meredith out of bed and into a wheelchair, then took her up to the NICU where their boys were waiting. When they were gloved and gowned, they entered the unit.

At the first sight of her babies, Meredith burst into tears and it took Derek a few minutes to calm her down.

"They're so little," she moaned.

"Their weight isn't so bad, Mer," Alex offered.

"I can't hold them?" she asked.

"We're monitoring them," Izzie said regretfully. "But you can touch them."

Meredith nodded tearfully.

"I bet they won't be in there for long," Alex said. "They're strong. They're doing really well."

Meredith gave him a watery smile and Alex and Izzie excused themselves to give Meredith and Derek some time alone with the boys.

"Do you want to see their charts for yourself?" he asked her, unable to keep his eyes off of Aidan and Ethan.

"Not right now," Meredith murmured. "Right now, they're just… I can't think. I just want to feel them, Derek. I want to know that they're real, and they're ours and they're going to be okay. I think…" she swallowed. "I think that if I can just touch them…"

She reached into the first incubator and touched Ethan's soft skin.

"Derek," she breathed.

"I know," he agreed, watching, rapt.

"I love them," she said.

"I know. I know, Mer. I love them so much that it feels like my heart is going to burst."

"Yeah," she agreed. "That's exactly… yeah."

"They should be together," Meredith decided. "Remember the quints? They did so much better after we put them together. Aidan and Ethan should be together."

"Okay, Mer. We'll tell them."

She shivered and he moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her. "They're okay, Mer. They're going to be okay."

After a minute, she leaned back against him and closed her eyes. He felt her relax. "Okay," she said.

* * *

The boys thrived together and as they gained weight and grew healthier, Meredith grew alternately more relaxed and worried as the date for them to go home came closer. As Derek had promised, Elizabeth arrived hours after the twins were born and after Derek had finally coaxed Meredith to sleep, she woke to find a bouquet of flowers with a card listing the names of all four Shepherd sisters on the table beside her bed. Elizabeth sat quietly across from her flipping through a magazine.

"That Lohan girl," she said, shaking her head. "Personally, I blame that mother of hers. A parasite if I ever saw one." She smiled at Meredith. "Congratulations, sweetheart." She got to her feet and approached Meredith's bed. "I saw the boys. They're absolutely gorgeous."

"They have Derek's hair," Meredith murmured proudly. "Well, kind of," she amended.

Elizabeth laughed. "It will grow in."

On the day that the twins were released from the hospital, Elizabeth stayed at the house so that Derek and Meredith could share the experience on their own, even though they both insisted that it would be anything but.

"We work in that hospital," Derek reminded her. "Half the staff will turn out to send us on our way."

"It's a hospital, Derek," Elizabeth laughed. "Surely they have better things to do?"

"You don't know Seattle Grace," Meredith had said, only half-joking.

But in the end, Elizabeth stayed at the house to prepare dinner and Derek and Meredith had brought the boys home without her.

Over the days and weeks that followed, Meredith was grateful for Elizabeth's presence. Elizabeth was patient and more than willing to answer Meredith's many questions. Derek spent as much time as he could at home, even taking a short leave from work so that he could spend time with his new family. Derek, too, seemed grateful to have his mom staying with them while they adjusted to being a family.

He'd just settled Aidan into his bassinette when he turned to find his mom standing in the doorway to the nursery.

"Finally," he breathed, moving away from his son. He met his mom at the door and she smiled at him.

"Come have some tea with me," she said, and he followed her down to the kitchen.

They sat across from each other at the kitchen table and Elizabeth poured them each a cup of tea.

"I'm going home on Saturday," she announced. Derek stared at her.

"Meredith knows," Elizabeth continued. "It's time. You need time alone as a family."

"Mom, it's fine. We love having you here."

"I know that," she said patiently, giving him a smile. "But it's time to take away the training wheels."

He frowned. "I just… Meredith…"

"She's fine, Derek. She knew it was going to happen sooner or later. She's a little nervous, but she'll be fine. She's ready for this. She's a good mother."

"I know that," he said proudly. He did. He'd seen the change in his wife; how she'd gone from being deathly afraid of doing something wrong, to being something of a pro at juggling the demands of the twins.

"I know she's ready," Derek clarified. "I'm just not sure if I am."

Elizabeth looked surprised and Derek sighed and looked down at his teacup.

"I don't have a clue what I'm doing," he admitted. "I don't know how to be a father."

"You seem to be doing just fine," Elizabeth assured him.

"I'm good at faking it," he said.

"Well, just keep doing that," Elizabeth advised. He nearly choked on his tea.

"Excuse me?"

Elizabeth shrugged. "What's that they say? Fake it 'til you make it?"

"Mom!"

"Darling, I hate to burst your bubble, but you're not going to be the best at everything you do with no effort. I know that everything has always come easy to you, but it's hard work being a parent. Half of the time you're flying blind. You do the best that you can. You do what you think is best. You love them and you support them, and you try to be fair and you try to protect them. It's not a science."

"Great," Derek muttered. "Science, I know."

"And your children, you love," Elizabeth smiled. "That's the most important thing. You just love them. You'll figure out the rest as you go along."

Derek shook his head. "How did you do it? With five of us?"

"I don't know," Elizabeth said, shaking her head. They both laughed.

"Especially after…" Derek continued.

"After your father died?" Elizabeth guessed.

"Yeah."

"Well, it helped that Nancy and Kathleen were almost grown. But I had a lot of people around me who loved all of you like you were their own children. I had a lot of support. You know that saying, that it takes a village?"

Derek nodded.

"More like a city when you have five of them, but it's not based on a lie, Derek."

He sighed.

"You aren't alone out here," Elizabeth mused. "I am leaving you in good hands."

Derek frowned. "What? Her friends?"

"They're your friends, too," Elizabeth said.

"No… they tolerate me."

"Nonsense," Elizabeth scoffed. "They look up to you. Okay, maybe not Cristina, but the others do. George and Izzie, they do. And Miranda has a grudging respect for you. Richard Webber has always had a soft spot for you, ever since you met him. You have a family here, Derek. You and Meredith, you have a village. And don't forget, you have Mark."

Derek made a face. "Not anymore."

"Don't be so quick to dismiss him, Derek."

"How can you forgive him?" he asked his mother.

"How can you not?" she asked. "You don't forgive someone to dismiss what they did, Derek. That's not it. But you need to forgive him for yourself. Do you want your boys to grow up feeling like a part of their father will always stay with Mark Sloane and never understand why? You've got to get it back, Derek. You have to take away the hold he has on you and just … forgive him. That doesn't mean that you have to hold him in the same regard that you once did, but maybe he can be something else. He knows you better than anyone else here, except for Meredith. And he was there. He was there when Meredith drowned, and he was there when you lost your girl. He may be selfish and arrogant, but he was there."

Derek sighed. "I'll think about it."

"That's something," Elizabeth smiled, taking what she could get. She took a sip of her tea. "I feel completely comfortable returning home. You and Meredith and the boys need time alone now. You need to be a family. It's time."

Derek sighed. "I'll miss you."

Elizabeth laughed. "I should hope so! But Meredith promised that you'd come and visit as soon as the boys are old enough, so I'll expect you at Christmas, is that understood?"

Derek laughed. "We'll see."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Oh, Meredith will convince you."

He shook his head. "Probably," he agreed.

Elizabeth fixed him with a look.

"Definitely," he sighed resignedly.

* * *

As promised by Meredith, at Christmas, the new family travelled to Brooklyn to spend Christmas with the rest of the Shepherd clan, having promised their Seattle family that they'd be back in time for New Year's.

Derek's sisters hovered over the twins, as most of their children were long past the infant stage. Even Nancy seemed much less combative than she'd been during their last visit, even though she spoke primarily to her brother and steered clear of Meredith as much as possible. Still, she was polite and respectful, and Meredith felt grateful for that.

On Christmas Eve, after they'd settled Aidan and Ethan down, they lay together in the dark, listening to the sound of little feet creeping down the stairs.

Derek laughed. "They don't know that Nancy is on watchdog duty this year."

Meredith shook her head. "In a few years, the twins will be down there with their cousins."

"Yeah," he smiled in the dark, closing his eyes.

"And maybe a little sister," Meredith murmured sleepily. Derek's eyes snapped open.

"What?" he rasped. "Mer? Are you….?"

"What?" she asked. "No! No, Derek… I just… well, it's a lot of testosterone, isn't it?" she asked. "I was just thinking that maybe… in a couple of years, when the boys are bigger and a little more independent, maybe…"

"Seriously?" he asked her. He sat up in bed.

"Maybe," she answered noncommittally. "Can we talk about it later?"

"Yeah," he said happily, sliding back down into bed beside her. She snuggled against him.

"Later," he said.

"Soon," she amended. "We'll just … talk."

"We'll talk," he agreed. "Talking is good."

Meredith smiled and closed her eyes. "We'll talk."

* * *

_Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and enjoyed this story. I had a wonderful -- albeit sometimes frustrating -- time writing it, and I appreciate all of your encouragement and thought-provoking comments._


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